Remembering

When you close your eyes
and all you see is what you don't want to see.

The colors, textures, and scents
all fill your senses behind closed lids.

The memory has been packed up
tucked away behind the gate, boxed up, forgotten.

When you close your eyes
and it all comes flooding back.

The hours and weeks and months
working to put it behind you matter not.

Less than a minute was all it took
for the moment to return to consciousness.

Now it is all you see
when you close your eyes.

Fingers crossed, wishes on stars,
whatever you can do to put the memory away again.

The scents, breeze, piney and floral,
The colors, orange, tan, white, golden, and green.

The textures, clearly visible even now
wood grains, corduroy, denim, grassy, velvety, rough.

Maybe not today, or this week or month,
but back in the faded darkness, behind the gate, and into the box.

This memory will once again,
leave my consciousness and I will resume fighting, living, growing.

For now, closing my eyes
is going to mean working twice as hard to change the picture.

Covering up the scene,
replacing the colors, the scents, the textures.

And I will move forward
stronger than before, better able to live the life I am destined for.

A Simpler Time

My favorite childhood memories, all wrapped up in the pencil drawn comic strip that landed on my porch six days a week, and the color-filled panels that arrived on Sundays.  Some of my warmest memories from the time I was a very little girl were reading the latest Calvin and Hobbes on the side stoop of my neighbor's house - I could not yet read, and she read it the best ever.

The simplicity of childhood is something I frequently yearn for.  I wish I could go back to the time when life was fairly simple- when the most important thing to do each day was make sure to listen to the teacher.  When the most exciting event of the day was afternoon recess, when just my grade level took over the playground, playing all sorts of games that required imagination by the bucketful, but no electricity.

A time when a skinned knee meant a band-aid and a hug from teacher, or a band-aid, popsicle, hug, and kiss from mom.  A time before life became flooded with worries no seven year old should ever have to carry.  A time when curling up with a favorite book in the spectacular colors of fall made for the best time ever.

Wishful thinking.....

Week 2: Favorite Childhood Memory

It's been over two years since I responded to this prompt, way back in 2001.  A lot of memories have surfaced over the last two years, some good, some not so good.

But this is about a favorite childhood memory.

So let me tell you about the times that my mom would go out for the evening.  I can't say how frequently this happened, but I do remember it happened often enough for me to look forward to our daddy-daughter date nights.

It was when I was between the ages of four through six.  My mom would go out for the evening, and as a special treat, my dad would let me stay up a little later than usual.  He'd put my brother to bed, and then the fun began.

We had this really old wooden chess and checker set, one where the pieces stored inside the board.  We'd sit in the kitchen, which was mostly white, and covered in white wall paper with a pointillism-like cloud pattern in greens, reds, blues, and yellows.  We'd sit at the kitchen table, which is the same kitchen table still present in my parents house.

And we'd play checkers.
Just me and my dad.

Even more special was the treat my dad gave me while we played.

Bubble gum.

The real, pink, sugary, bubble gum.  Something my mom never let me have.

We'd play a few games, with me happily chewing on a piece of gum, and then I'd get tucked into bed before mom came home, so our evening's events remained a secret just between me and my dad.

Eating Numbers

Anyone remember when life was simpler? 

Maybe during childhood, at least for a while, we got the taste of pure, simple, life.  A time when playing was the only thing on the agenda.  A time when getting up meant rolling out of bed and jumping into play clothes before heading out for a day of adventures of the imagination.

A time when I ate food.....
not numbers.

I was actually taken to my knees today, when it hit me.  The realization that I no longer see food as food.  I see it as a number.

I no longer enjoy meals, at least not until I've calculated "the number."
Snacks, treats, Starbucks, everything is a number, not a treat.

Tonight, I was sort of enjoying a favorite seasonal specialty from Trader Joes.  Sort of, because after I ate through my allotted "number" for the meal, I kept eating.  And at some point, I realized that I wasn't enjoying the treat anymore.  I was instead trying to get to a bigger number.

See, I've been slipping in and out of goal lately.  Some days I easily meet my daily intake goal (the number that drives my day) and others, I struggle.  Today was one of those struggle days, so I was determined to find a way to get the number to a more respectable place.

So I ate.  I ate what used to taste good.  I ate what used to be a favorite treat.  But tonight, it became just a number.

Just a number.
That's what food has become to me.  The thing that is supposed to nourish me, feed my body, my brain........ it's been relegated to a simply complicated number.

At least, I suppose, while food is a number, I'm fighting myself to keep the number healthy.

Four Leaf Clovers

As a kid, I remember spending what felt like hours searching for the elusive four leaf clover.  On more than one occasion, I got lucky, and found one!  It was always exhilarating, after crawling around in the grass long enough to have green-stained knees, coming up with one of those little gems like you were the champion of the world.

Four leaf clovers.

Technically, a mutation of the normal, more typical, three leaf clover.  The regular one.  The way most clovers are made.

We scour the ground in search of the odd one out.  The unique.  The different.  The lucky.  Finding a three leaf clover is ordinary.  Everyone is a three leaf clover.  The four leaf clover.  That's different.  That's lucky.

Even though, technically, it's mutated.  It's deformed.  It's grossly different than the rest.

I've been thinking about this for a while.  How it connects to my body.  To my eating disorder.  To recovery.

I want that four leaf clover.  It's different.

Yet.

I hate this body in which I reside for that same reason.

Cause it's different.

I want to be normal.  I want to be like that three leaf clover.  Fitting in with everyone else.  One of the crowd.

Or do I?

If everyone is in search of that one, so-called lucky, four leaf clover...... maybe it's time to start rethinking this.  Maybe being different is like being that four leaf clover...... maybe it means some one will actually pick me, and find me to be their lucky charm.....

Maybe I need to pick me first......

Day 31: A Vivid Memory

A vivid memory, eh?  This one happened more than ten years ago, and I still chuckle when I think of it!

I was nannying for a family while the parents were out of town.  I had three kids in my care for ten days.  I'd stayed with this family before, so it was nothing new.  I enjoyed spending time with them, and hey, the kids, a seven year old boy, and girls ages 9, and 11, were in school from 8-3, and had after school activities, so it was kinda easy, actually!

Friday night the girls had a sleep over. Around two o'clock in the morning, the girls flew into my room, completely freaked out, because they heard a noise downstairs.  I assured them all was fine, and told them they could bring their sleeping bags in and sleep in my room.  They got settled in, and this time, we heard the noise again.  They all screamed, and I have to admit, I was kinda scared myself!  A few more LOUD bangs followed, and with my heart pounding as loud as the noises, I crept down the stairs, leaving four pre-teen girls huddled in my bed.

The noise was coming from the kitchen, and with fear coursing through my veins, I tiptoed in, and flipped on the lights. 

There, I found their little brother, sitting in the pantry, eating peanut butter.  I unleashed the fury on him!  At this point, the girls had flown down the stairs and were standing, wide-eyed, in the kitchen door, as I screamed at him.  I think they were more afraid of me than anything at that moment! 

I totally took him by surprise, as he didn't anticipate getting caught.  He tried the "I just wanted some peanut butter!" ploy, but when questioned as to what made peanut butter so loud, he couldn't help but grin, confirming that he'd done it on purpose.  After a good minute of screaming at him, I quickly regained my composure, told him to brush his teeth again before he went back to bed, and sent everyone back up stairs.

What a night it was!

Day 31 Prompt: A vivid memory.

Day 18: Childhood

I think I was six or seven the year my parents had the hardwood floors refinished in our house.  I remember it being summer, and a good one at that, as I was going to an awesome day camp that I enjoyed a lot.

The way the house was laid out, having the floors refinished meant the only parts of the house we could access were my parents bedroom, the half-bathroom, the basement, the kitchen, and with a clever bridge that my dad created out of two milk crates and a board, we could access the full bathroom.  Everything else was off limits till the floors were finished.  Thankfully, it was summer, and my parents lack of disposable income led to a bit of creativity.

They created a campsite in the back yard for us.  Being summer, it was pretty fitting, and it was a lot of fun!  For three days we slept in sleeping bags in the tent.  While my mom cooked in the kitchen, we ate on the picnic table next to the tent and enjoyed popsicles and smores for dessert.

Three days of living in a tent were any kid's dream, cause camping meant no bath!  Except, that's where the bridge my dad built came into play.  And to be honest, it's my favorite memory of the whole situation.  It felt quite adventurous climbing across the rickety board, perilously perched atop the waxy milk crates.  It made taking a bath not so bad, at least for those few days!

Day 18 Prompt: Tell a story from your childhood. Dig deep and try to be descriptive about what you remember and how you felt.

Day 12: I miss...

Ooohhhh...... this prompt feels like letting the air out of a balloon.  There's a lot that I miss, people, places, times...... and I really try to not dwell on them because they evoke a degree of sadness that tends to linger for longer than I care to admit.  Which means you're getting another list.  Cause they're less emotional.  Or something.

• I miss my equestrian life.  It was such a special chapter of my life.
• I miss my sweet, cuddly cat.
• I miss the carefree innocence of childhood.  I didn't get to be a kid long enough.....
• I miss the family camping trips before they got bad.
• I miss my California "family" and the vacations I had with them.
• I miss being able to make decisions that were not based on money.  
• I miss the milestone experiences I skipped growing up.

Day 12 Prompt: What do you miss? (a person, a thing, a place, a time of your life...)

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 24

24. What are some examples of things that your eating disorder has taken from you?

My eating disorder robbed me of a lot.  Including the ability to enjoy food.  I eat because I have to.  Not because I want to.  I know so many people who crave specific dishes, who love cooking and eating, who know how to savor a good meal.  Not me.  Eating is still a lot of work.  It's a chore.  Something that must get done each day, and in no way enjoyable.  At least not yet. 

I also think that I let my eating disorder have what little confidence I had.  I hid behind it with a plethora of excuses for avoiding the "normal" life experiences that one has as they move through their teen years, their high school years, their college years....

I'm trying to leave that behind me.  To let go of the old behaviors.  To move past the missed opportunities.  To re-live the experiences that were skipped..... none of this is easy.  But who said life was easy? 

Deja What?

Have you ever had a deja vu experience?  I used to think I had them a lot and, oh, how I hated them!  I always felt like I was punched in the stomach when the moment passed.  Not to mention, the memories were never pleasant ones!  Seriously, who wants to go back and re-live painful memories?  I don't know about you, but I sure don't!  It always amazed me when people spoke of "fun" deja vu experiences.

From the time I was ten (maybe eleven, but I'm pretty sure they began around my tenth birthday) I have experienced these sort of "flashbacks" at often the most unwelcome times.  Like when I was at a friends house.  Or in the middle of a baseball game.  Or getting ready for school.  They always arrived unannounced, and always left me feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me.

I now know that these moments have been PTSD flashbacks. 

Funny thing is, though two prior therapists have told me that I have PTSD, I never believed them.  Somehow, though, my therapist explained it in a way that made sense to me.  She helped me understand what PTSD is, and how it "works," per say.  And after all these years, I now know what these moments are, and why they are not in the least bit fun.  It's not deja vu that I have experienced, it's PTSD episodes.

And this week has been full of them.

I was always very afraid of the idea of PTSD, or any sort of trauma, often cringing when the word was connected to me and my life.  It scared me to think that my history contained any traumatic experiences.  I worked hard to keep them hidden from my memory.  At least I know what is going on, and why I feel so discombobulated after each episode.  Though they last only a few moments, the effects linger for hours. 

The good news is that since we now know what is happening, we can look better at how to treat it, and to help me work through these moments.  After all, knowledge really is power!

Liebster: Questions Answered

Liebster Part II: Amanda's Questions For Me

1. What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?

I have been given much advice over the years, and a few pieces really stand out to me.  One was given in the context of me preparing for surgery, as I was concerned about being out of school for so long while I was recuperating.  One of my colleagues said "don't be a hero" as she encouraged me to take as much time as I truly needed so that I didn't come back to work too soon, and in doing so, end up messing with my recovery.  It helped me see that I need to take care of my needs first, not put everyone else in front of me, essentially being a "hero" at the sacrifice of my own well being.
 
2. What is your favorite quote?
Oh my.  This is like asking a parent to pick a favorite child!  There are so many I love!  I mean, there's a whole page on this blog devoted to quotes!  They are sprinkled all over the blog!  I guess my favorite is the tag line image at the top of the page - "Just because today is a terrible day doesn't mean tomorrow won't be the best day of your life.  You just gotta get there."  (And I sprinkled a few more within this post!)

3. If you had the power to change the world in one way, what would you do?
I'd eliminate suffering.  I don't understand why people need to go through so much suffering!  Yes, I get that experiencing pain helps us appreciate the good feelings, but must there be so much suffering?   That, or I'd find a way to support all children and their families that would ensure every child received a well-supported education.  If we start by insuring that kids get a good education, then we may very well eliminate the poverty that plagues so many.  We can't do this by "fixing" schools, we need to reach into the homes and support the families so that all children have warm beds, food to eat, and a safe and nurturing living environment.

4. What is the best book you read in 2012?
I have to say that it wasn't just one book.  That's just like asking me to choose one quote!  So I narrowed it down to two.... which was quite hard, actually!  I finally got around to reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower.  It was a well written book, that's for sure, but.... let's just say it was an interesting read for me.  Another great book I read (yes, the title is strange) was Foreskin's Lament.  It is a memoir of sorts, and I really enjoyed reading it.  The first time, and the third time!  

5. If you could only have one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?
So funny!  This was the fifth fact about me I posted in the first part of this award response!  Since you asked again... I'd say that aside from cereal... nope.  Cereal it is.

6. What is your most prized possession?
This might be cheesy, but my most prized possession is my college diploma.  Yes, it's tucked away in a drawer, but it represents a lifetime of hard work and commitment, along with struggles and stress, that have paid off.  I love my job, I can't imagine doing anything else.  And I couldn't be doing my job with out that piece of paper.

7. What would you name the autobiography of your life?
Believe it or not, I have already chosen a title for my memoir, which shall remain secret until the memoir is actually written!  I do have some other ideas though, including Small Me, Big Stories, Once Upon a Pony, and The Booktabulous Life Of.  We'll see what ends up happening when the time comes!

8. What is your first memory of being really happy/excited?
Is it sad that I can't remember?  Cause I can't!  I have memories of times I was happy or excited, like when my dad would let me stay up late and chew bubblegum while we played checkers.  Or when we went to feed the ducks at the pond nearby.  Or the time the street flooded and we got to swim in the street, literally!  There are memories that I know were happy ones, but I can't pinpoint one single happiest moment......

9. What 5 things would you bring with you, if stranded on the beach?
If I were stranded on the beach, the first thing I'd bring is a solar powered charging base station.  That way, I'd be able to power my iPad so that I'd be able to access the internet (we're talking the G3 enabled pad) and all the books on my kindle app, as well as stay in touch with loved ones.  The third thing I'd bring is a water purifier, that would also be powered from the solar charger, so that I'd never run out of water.  Which leads to the fourth thing, a bottle to hold the newly purified water!  Finally, I'd bring sunscreen.  I am way to sensitive to be out in the sun for long without it!

10. If you could replay any day in your life, which one would it be?
This is another tough one.  When I look back, there are actually a few "events" in my life that I'd like to get a do-over for.  One sad day is the day I put my horse down.  I couldn't bring myself to be there, so my coach went to take care of things.  To this day, I wish I could go back and make myself be there, to say good-bye and give him one last hug.  One day that I'd love to redo is the day I competed in my first medal finals.  It was in the HUGE arena, double the size of the normal show rings.  I had a beautiful round!  My horse was wonderful, and everything went fantastically.  Except for the first line where I added a stride (fancy word for step).  If I hadn't added the stride, we'd have won for sure.  I'd like to ride that class again, but even with the added stride, I'm still so proud of my riding and of my horse!

11. What is 1 quality that you admire in others?
One quality that I admire in others is their self-confidence.  In the self-confidence department, I come up very, very short, and always admire those who are confident and comfortable with themselves.  

These were some great questions!  Very thought provoking!

Liebster Award Details

1.  Thank the person who awarded you - check!
2.  Share 5 facts about yourself - check!
3.  Answer the 11 questions you were asked - check!
4.  Nominate 5 up and coming blogs
5.  Ask them 11 questions.

Saturday Smiles

Shirt Woot (unprinted)  (If you know the creator, please let me know so I can give appropriate credit!)

Remember this game?  I loved playing it as a kid.  There were so many variations - freeze tag, TV tag.... I think that a lot of the games we played as kids are no longer being played by kids today.... might be time to do something about that!

Adios 2012!

The Earth is completing it's 365 day journey around the sun, and another year comes to a close.

I am SO glad this year is over.

Here's to creating something better in 2013!

Continuing on with a tradition I started several years ago (read more about it here) I have dubbed this year the year of pain.  I know that sounds harsh and cold, but it is the truth.  There have been so many painful experiences this year, both physical and mental, I can't even begin to explain it.  2012 was hard and painful and unpleasant in so many ways.  I wouldn't wish the pain I've been through on anyone.

While 2012 was a painfully uncomfortable year, there is one big upside to pain.  It makes you appreciate the good that much more.  Cause while there was a tremendous amount of pain this year, there was also some good.  And maybe it's because of all that pain that the good feels that much more special.

I know that the pain of 2012 won't end at the stroke of midnight, but I am hoping that as we move through 2013, it lessens a little bit every day.  And I'm going to continue trying to take things one day at a time.

A Day of Silence

Always remember.... 

"I wanted to do SOMETHING for the families and I didn't know what else to do. Ed Sheeran's guitar played at the exact moment I heard about the tragedy. The song came out of me faster than any before. It felt wrong not to share it. I hope this finds its way to the proper ears at the proper time. God Bless you. I'm so grateful to be alive. Maybe this terrible day will make sense in Heaven." --Mike Posner

Challenge 18: Lauren Lemon

This is the last image challenge of the year in the Blogging for Wellbeing project, and it ends with another fab photographer!

Image by Lauren Lemon

Lauren Lemon's photos capture moments, snapshots of moments, peeks into moments.... I wouldn't say the are mundane, cause her photos are anything but, yet..... at the same time they're not out-of-the-ordinary either.  Her unique eye is thought provoking yet grounded, whimsical yet simple.

There were a few that I liked, but this image, loosely titled Meanwhile in California, reminds me exactly that, of my days in California.  I have a great friend who lives there, and I love any chance I get to head to the coast.  Lounging on the beach or by the pool, soaking up the salt filled air and burning the image of a California sunset into my brain....  It's one of the most relaxing places I know to visit!

As I'm typing this post, I'm sitting in the exact position as in the image.  Except I'm on my couch.  And there isn't a beautiful sunset on the beach in front of me.  And I'm not filled with sunny feelings that the beach usually brings.  But I can dream....

Week 40: Favorite TV Show

Yikes! This is going to be tough!  Kinda like picking characters that remind me of me, there are just too many choices! Not that I'm a big TV junkie, because I'm not. At least not anymore. I used to have the TV on whenever I was home, just for background noise. I usually kept it on Food Network. Now, I find the background noise to be a bit annoying, and I only watch a select few shows all together.

Dividing this up into current and past might make it a little simpler.

My current/recent favorite TV show is The Big Bang Theory. I can't help but laugh out loud as I watch! I DVR episodes just so I can watch them again and again. Really helps bring a smile to my face on a gloomy day! I am embarrassed to admit that I've probably seen every episode thus far. (Except this week's episode, still haven't watched it, but it's on DVR!)

My two favorite TV shows from the less-distant past are Friends and Gilmore Girls. And yes, I've seen every episode of both of them. I can quote both, too. And I never get tired of the reruns (though there are a few Friends episodes that I've seen so many times....) I wish I lived in a town like Stars Hollow, I loved the small feel of the place. Oh, and the banter between Lorelei and Rory didn't hurt, either.

As for overall most favorite shows?  These two three stem from my oh-so-distant childhood.  Kids Incorporated was a Disney Channel favorite and I loved watching it. I still remember every single word of the theme song, and can hear in my head at the slightest mention of Kids, Inc. (I may or may not have spent way too much money purchasing VHS tapes of the show on ebay.)  Nickelodeon hosted another favorite of mine, which recently came out on DVD, much to my surprise! Hey Dude was about as fake as they come, but I didn't care. I loved being at the Bar None ranch with Kyle and Brad and Mr. Ernst. My weekly escape to the summer vacation of my dreams. Finally, and likely my most favorite show of all time, Punky Brewster tops the list. I wanted her bedroom. I wanted her to be my best friend. I admired her optimism and spunk, despite the challenges she faced.

Ok, so I narrowed it down to six, not too bad considering the list spans 30 years!

Week 38: Where Has Time Gone?

That is such a good question.  Where has time gone?  It seems like just yesterday it was summer vacation, and now it's nearly Halloween.  This school year is flying by, which while I don't mind that, I do mind that I always feel so stinking tired!

Funny thing is, that I was just looking at some recent pictures of my former students.  I worked with them when they were 8-9 years old.  This was a special group, so we've kept in contact through the years.  The pictures I saw today were pictures of young ladies and young men.  Not pictures of 8-9 year old kids.  These kids are gangly teens now.  Looking at them and seeing how much they've changed in the past few years.... makes me feel old.  At the same time, it makes me proud to see what wonderful people they have grown into.

Me, on the other hand?  It's been a whirlwind, that's for sure!

Challenge 14, Part 2: A Swing and A Bear

Photo by Andre Arment

When we are children we seldom think of the future.  

This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can.  

The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind. 

--Patrick Rothfuss--

Challenge 14, Part 1: Staircase

Photo by Andre Arment

I like this new twist on the Blogging for Wellbeing Project!  The photos are so cool!  That, and I'm meeting photographers and artists I've never met before.

This picture stood out to me from all the rest of them, partially because I'm drawn to the warmth and richness of the wood, and partially because it reminds me of one of my favorite artists, M.C. Escher, who creates these incredible optical illusions.

Then there's the heart of the image...... where this child, in red, stands.  Alone.  On the stairs.  Maybe waiting?  Maybe hesitating?  It reminds me of when I was a child, waiting for mom and dad to come home, and how I'd sneak out of my bedroom and wait at the top of the stairs until I heard the garage open, and then I'd tiptoe back to my room and go to bed.  I always had to wait to make sure they got home safely before I could fall asleep.

Yet, somehow this image makes me smile.  Maybe it's because the warmth of the wood reminds me of my years in the horse world.  Maybe it's because sometimes, despite the challenges of my past, there are some memories that feel good when they come up.  For whatever reason, I needed to know my parents were home safe and sound before I could go to sleep.  Looking back now, I think it was kind of cute, actually, and cute usually makes me smile!

Challenge 13, Part 2: Butterfly

Image by Julie D Waroquier

I love this picture..... the innocence, the softness, the possibility..... reminds me of the innocence of childhood.  Staring out the front window, watching the wind blow through the trees, waiting for dad to get home from work.  Wishing.... hoping....

I noticed, too, the somewhat "old fashioned" tone to the image.  The jumper the child is wearing, the shoes, they are all reminiscent of a time so far away.... when things were simpler.  When kids played in the yard with boxes and sticks, and their imagination took them places that kids today will never visit.  When family dinners were a daily event, and conversation took place face to face, instead of screen to screen.

Innocence.... possibility..... hope..... hope that the children of the future will be able to enjoy.....