I Bought the Wrong Butter

You probably didn't realize there was a "wrong" butter to buy.

Well, when you're recovering from an eating disorder, there is.  Or, at least for me there is.

For the last as-long-as-I-can-remember years, I've always, always, always bought sticks of butter.  Preferably the quarter sticks.  They're easier to measure, I mean, cut.

Last week, I was in such a rush as I flew through the grocery store, I grabbed the butter my parents usually buy.  With only two ingredients, I was fine with that (the fewer ingredients the better, as always) I grabbed the tub of butter of the shelf and headed to the check out.  For once, I only had the items in my basket that I specifically walked in to get.

Tub.

Of butter.

Me?

Really?

Ooopsie.....

But I survived.

And I'm actually using the butter-in-a-tub.  It tastes the same, it still works, and it actually spreads easier right out of the fridge.  The only problem is that it's not nearly as easy to measure.  To track how much I used.  To count the exact calories needed.  I mean, sure, I know how much I'm eating, I'm just not able to be as precise as I'd like.  As precise as I'm used to being.

Positive growth?  Step forward in recovery?  Maybe.  Rather fear-inducing?  Yup.

Eating Numbers

Anyone remember when life was simpler? 

Maybe during childhood, at least for a while, we got the taste of pure, simple, life.  A time when playing was the only thing on the agenda.  A time when getting up meant rolling out of bed and jumping into play clothes before heading out for a day of adventures of the imagination.

A time when I ate food.....
not numbers.

I was actually taken to my knees today, when it hit me.  The realization that I no longer see food as food.  I see it as a number.

I no longer enjoy meals, at least not until I've calculated "the number."
Snacks, treats, Starbucks, everything is a number, not a treat.

Tonight, I was sort of enjoying a favorite seasonal specialty from Trader Joes.  Sort of, because after I ate through my allotted "number" for the meal, I kept eating.  And at some point, I realized that I wasn't enjoying the treat anymore.  I was instead trying to get to a bigger number.

See, I've been slipping in and out of goal lately.  Some days I easily meet my daily intake goal (the number that drives my day) and others, I struggle.  Today was one of those struggle days, so I was determined to find a way to get the number to a more respectable place.

So I ate.  I ate what used to taste good.  I ate what used to be a favorite treat.  But tonight, it became just a number.

Just a number.
That's what food has become to me.  The thing that is supposed to nourish me, feed my body, my brain........ it's been relegated to a simply complicated number.

At least, I suppose, while food is a number, I'm fighting myself to keep the number healthy.

I Want to Write More

I recently realized how censored I've been on the blog.  I am watching my words very carefully, and in doing so, am limiting myself and my posts.  I'm not sure why all of a sudden I recognized this, and hope to change that.

Starting now.

It's no surprise that for someone recovering from an eating disorder, the holiday season, in the states kicked off by Thanksgiving, is not an easy one to maneuver through.  Throw in there an invasive medical procedure requiring fasting and a liquid diet, and it could be a recipe for disaster. 

I'd like to say that I've staved off that disaster.  Which, I kinda sorta have, actually!  I survived the liquid diet day, I survived the morning of fasting, I survived the test, and I've actually managed to get back on the eating wagon pretty quickly!

So, I have staved off the disaster.  I was going to add an "and yet......" but I don't have one.  When it comes down to it, Yes, I got back up to near goal within days of the torture.  I survived Thanksgiving, ate well all weekend, and am pretty close to back to my required goal area.

But.

Image from Shirt Woot Derby - if you created this,
please let me know so I can give you credit!

(There's nearly always a but for me.)

While I'm doing pretty darn well getting to goal..... what I'm eating to get there is SO not the best....... it's mediocre, at best.  I guess you could say I have a very child-like palate.  I prefer peanut butter and jelly and apple sauce over Caesar salad and grilled salmon.  I prefer chocolate milk over wine.  I prefer cereal over eggs.  I prefer macaroni and cheese over risotto.

I have simple tastes.  Add in some food intolerances and a refusal to give up my vegetarianism, and, well, I make things in the "eating appropriately" department rather tricky.  My dietitian (who has the patience of a saint) has been working her @$$ off trying to figure out other sources of protein for me.  Most of which, I turn my nose up to and come up with some reason or another why I can't eat it.

Truth is, I need more protein.  I desperately need more protein.  My body needs it.  (Though, this is all coming from my team, I don't crave protein, nor do I know what my body would feel like in it's quest to obtain more protein!)  I know it's good for me.

Then again, so is writing..........

Ugh.

I'm struggling again.
Or more likely, still.

I don't want to eat. 
I've once again
conditioned hunger
out of my body.

I, once again
can go all day without food.

This time, though
I don't feel like I'm doing it
on purpose
I'm just not hungry
at all.

I make myself eat
breakfast
lunch
snack
dinner

I just don't want to.

Eating is hard.
Too hard.
Too complicated.

Some live to eat
Some eat to live

I don't want to do either

And yet....
I eat.

Excuses

School ended last week, and I celebrated by getting really sick.  Not by choice, mind you.  The timing was uncanny though, school got out Friday, I got sick Saturday night, spent the next 48 hours in the commode, visited the ER, and then spent the next 48 hours laying low and praying food would stay in.  Thank goodness school was out, cause it would have sucked to miss that last week!

On the plus side, mentally, this bug didn't beat me.  Not one bit.  I was surprisingly upbeat and cheery despite the fact that I now know how many tiles are in my bathroom floor.  Except.....

My ex-bff is trying really hard to work his way back into my life.  We haven't spoken in a while, which has been really nice.  But when this bug hit me, he was right there next to me, offering comfort and companionship.

And I've been buying it.  Sort of.  I've been (sort of) using this as an excuse to not eat.  By sort of, I mean that for 48 hours I didn't eat.  I was too sick.  The next 48 hours I really couldn't eat.  Believe me, I tried, but my stomach rejected everything but crackers and bananas.

It's been day one of actual eating, and I'm on a very bland diet..... and he is loving it.  I looked in the mirror this morning and have visibly lost weight over the last 5 days.  It made me smile, looking in the mirror and seeing the smaller body staring back at me.  Even though I know it's so not a good thing..... being happy about losing weight from being sick....

I'm giving myself the week.  That's it.  I've been exhausted and weak, and in no mood to argue with him.  I know that this is a blip in the path.  I know that while I may be enjoying his visit at the moment.... I know he's the worst influence on me, and he views my health completely differently than my team and I do.  A week.  Then it's back to the meal plan.

At least that's my plan.

A Foodie Post

It's no secret that food and I don't get along. With the plethora of allergies I have to deal with, it's no wonder cereal is my favorite meal - it's easy, it doesn't leave me covered in hives, and it doesn't wreak havoc on my digestive system.

Thankfully, my nutritionist has the patience of a saint and she's always looking for creative ways for me to expand my palate. Right now, we're working on increasing my daily intake of vegetables, and last week, she shared this great idea - creating veggie boxes.  What you do is prep and pack ahead of time, so that you have these little boxes, full of veggies, ready to grab and toss in a lunch bag, briefcase, whatever!

For me, the big task is getting things prepped and packed each day, so considering I can pack this up for the whole week? I'm giving it a try.  I bought my three favorite vegetables - sweet peppers, cucumbers, and broccoli. I washed em and chopped them and packed them all up!

I gave it a try last week, and surprisingly, I ended up eating all my veggies!  So far this week, I'm two for two in the veggie jar department. Tonight, I packed four days worth of veggie jars... wish me luck!