Three..... ish

Three year blogg-a-versary.  Sorta.  Cause I kinda skipped 2 months.  I mean, during those months I wrote blogs, I just never published them.  Maybe I will.  Maybe I'll pre-date them so they show up in the chronological order they were meant to be in.  Maybe not. 

But for now.....

I can't believe it's been three years!  Seriously!  I didn't think I'd have it in me to do this blog thing this long, but you know what?  It's been such a powerful experience, that I now have one for my teaching, too!  That one isn't as busy as this one, cause, well, teachers are busy people and don't always have time to write or read outside of the classroom, but you know.....

I love My Purple Dreams.  I love the name.  I love that I get to be myself here.  I love that my words inspire others (even if they don't inspire me.)  I love that when I look back on where I was, MPD shows me how much progress I've made, even if it doesn't always feel that way.

Three years.  Three long winded years.  Now...... who's up for three more?

Week 38: Where Has Time Gone?

That is such a good question.  Where has time gone?  It seems like just yesterday it was summer vacation, and now it's nearly Halloween.  This school year is flying by, which while I don't mind that, I do mind that I always feel so stinking tired!

Funny thing is, that I was just looking at some recent pictures of my former students.  I worked with them when they were 8-9 years old.  This was a special group, so we've kept in contact through the years.  The pictures I saw today were pictures of young ladies and young men.  Not pictures of 8-9 year old kids.  These kids are gangly teens now.  Looking at them and seeing how much they've changed in the past few years.... makes me feel old.  At the same time, it makes me proud to see what wonderful people they have grown into.

Me, on the other hand?  It's been a whirlwind, that's for sure!

Challenge 1, Part 2: Self Soothing

Continuing with this challenging topic, moving into self-soothing, where I struggle even more, has been an interesting process.  Again, keep in mind, as negative as this might seem, I do know that things can only get better and easier, which is the silver lining on this whole process!  I think that compared to self care, self soothing is a whole different ball game.  My ways of soothing myself, of calming myself, aren't the healthiest.  So once again, a heck of a lot of effort gets put into this area as well.  I am super sensitive to light, sound, texture, temperature, all that stuff.  It poses a challenge more often than not, but I'm getting better at figuring out (with the help of my therapist and team) how to work through these sensory overload situations.

This might sound childish or corny, but I am very much a texture person - I love the feel of softness.  If I'm having a really hard day, I may tuck a scrap of this ultra soft cuddly fleece into my pocket, just so I have it for comfort.  I have super soft sheets for my bed, and a blanket made of the ultra soft fleece as well.  In addition, I do have a few stuffies that live on my bed that are perfect for when I need to wrap my arms around something and just hold tight.  All the softness is really comforting.  Strangely enough, as much as I hate the dentist, I like the feeling of having the lead vest covering me.  It is really helpful in grounding me when I get too spacy.  I have looked into weighted blankets that are helpful for those with autism, and due to costs, I'm hoping I'll eventually be able to make my own?  Not that crafty, so we'll see how that goes!

Other things I do at home to self-soothe include napping, reading a familiar book (it's like visiting my best friends,) and listening to music.  I also like to do yoga, and find a few restorative poses can be really helpful.  Sometimes I'm just so disoriented and upset, that all I can do is curl up in a ball and breathe, but you know what?  It works.

When I'm not at home, it's a little tougher to self-soothe when I get into a bad spot.  I do carry Xanax with me (and would not be able to survive without it) which is great because of it's near instant impact.  It usually gives me enough time to get refocused without going into a full on anxiety attack.  Carrying the little bit of fabric helps too, cause the softness can easily be run through my fingers without drawing attention to me.  Considering I teach grade school, my students often have little fidgets in their hands, so they see it the same and love that their teacher uses fidgets too!  Strange as this may sound, if I'm struggling, sometimes I will call my therapist's voicemail, just to hear her voice, which has a really calming effect on me.  At home or out and about, sometimes a walk outside (if the weather is cooperative) can also help.

While I know that many of my self-soothing tools are rather childish, they're what I've got right now.  Eventually I hope that I don't get as overstimulated and am better able to regulate just through breathing or what-not, but for now?  You gotta do what you gotta do, right?!

Just Do It.

There are so many things in life that I think kinda suck.  Ok, really suck.  I don't enjoy these things, I don't look forward to these things, and I avoid them at all costs.

But sometimes...

You just gotta do it.

Or at least that's what I've been told.  And that's what I'm trying to do.

For example... Tomorrow, I'm having surgery.  I have to do some stuff to prepare for the surgery that I really don't want to do.  At All.  Like, kicking-and-screaming-pounding-fists-on-the-floor temper tantrum.

But I've just gotta do it.  I don't have a choice.

It seems that there are a lot of things in life that I have to do, whether I like them or not.  Some are more digestible than others, but in any case, I've just got to move forward and get things done.

So that's what I'm doing.  I'm putting on my grown-up underoos and just getting things done.

(and it's actually kind of terrifying, but I'm doing it anyway!)

I'm hopeful that the more I push through and get these kinds of things done, the less scary, anxiety inducing, and challenging they will be.  Will I ever love going to the dentist for my cleanings?  Probably not.  But I can now at least go get my cleanings done without needing massive doses of Xanax first.

Practice... right?

61 days left...

One down, three to go

It's been exactly one month since I tearfully said good-bye to a very important person in my life.  In just under three months I'll get to welcome this person back, and yes, it will probably be rather tearful too.

I feel like the month has crawled by.  A part of me really wants the rest of the time to go quickly, but even that is bittersweet, because around the same time this person comes back, I will say farewell to my class, send my students on to the next grade, and head into summer, anxiously awaiting what lies ahead in the coming fall.

Time is such a funny thing.  It reminds me of the riddle, "What weighs more, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers?"  (In case you forgot, a pound weighs the same, no matter what you're weighing.)  It's been unseasonably warm here, though yesterday, it was unseasonably cold.  It's amazing, though, what time does.  If you think about it, 38 degrees Fahrenheit feels a lot colder in October than it does in April.  38 degrees is 38 degrees.  But time makes it feel different, at least to me.

In the fall, we've just come off of summer, and 38 degrees feels rather cold.  In the spring, we've just come off of winter, and 38 degrees feels nice and warm.

Does this mean that the time that is passing right now, is passing extra slowly because I miss this person way more than I care to admit?  Or does it mean time is passing quickly, because I'm already not looking forward to saying good-bye to my students at the end of the school year?

Time.  A funny thing it is.  Mixed with a little perspective it can sure make things complicated.

"Time is the longest distance between two places."

-- Tennessee Williams