The A Word Revisited

A little over a year ago, I had a rather unpleasant encounter with the A word.  Probably not the word you are thinking right now!

Anger.

At the time, I was in a very frustrating situation involving people close to me.  (I purposely avoided even using the A word!!)  Off the top of my head I don't remember what triggered the situation, though I do remember how horrible I felt:

Engulfed with sadness (that was covering the anger.)  

Swimming in fears (which were masking the anger.) 

Swallowed by a tremendous inner turmoil (that was disguising the anger.)

And extremely, extremely, self-destructive (which was the anger turned inward.)

At the time, anger was not allowed in my vocabulary.  It was evicted from my body (or so I thought) and sent permanently away.  Not only was anger not in my vocabulary, it was NEVER an emotion I experienced (or so I thought.)

Well, seems that I've been revisited by the anger train.  Except this time, instead of burying it, ignoring it, pretending it didn't exist, all the things I have done my whole life..... I felt it.

I felt anger.  

I.  Felt.  Angry.

And I didn't explode.

(Yeah, I'll admit it, I imploded a bit,
but even that was not nearly as destructive as a year ago.) 

This time, my first reaction was not a helpful one.  My second reaction was not a helpful one.  My third reaction was not a helpful one.  But I allowed (unconsciously) each of those reactions to come into view, dangle for a few minutes, and pass, without grabbing on to one of them and acting on what could have been rather quite self-destructive.

While my chosen coping tool wasn't the most positive, no one got hurt.  (Had I gone with either of my first three reactions... yeah, things would have gotten really ugly.)  And after using my words to journal about the situation and talk and process the situation, I found that I didn't feel angry anymore.

I survived, what one year ago would have been a catastrophic set-back, that this time, left me relatively unscathed.  Yes, it ruined my entire weekend.  Yes, I felt extremely miserable for a few days.  Yes, I thought I would never escape the angst that enveloped me.

I felt anger, and my world didn't end.  It didn't come crashing down around me.  It didn't cause me physical harm.  I didn't allow that anger to put me in a space of self harm.

I felt anger..... and I survived.

Progress.