The "L" Word

Today I was posed with a task that is proving to be way more of a challenge than it should be.

See, I just returned from a brief vacation with my family (first time in for-ev-er!) and I was surprised by how much I enjoyed the trip.  (Never, ever thought I'd say that!)  Anyway, it was suggested to me by someone I very much trust and respect that I send a thank you note to my parents, who I know worked quite hard to make sure I (and my high maintenance requests) were accommodated and that I was comfortable with everyone.

The thank you, though an idea I never would have had, was fine.  I could do that, no problem.  But somehow, it led into another conversation that still, hours later, has me unable to press send on the thank you note.

How do you close a letter to your parents when you really don't have the greatest of relationships, when they are "overly interested" in being in your world, and when there are absolutely zero boundaries?

I wanted to sign it with something simple, like "xoxox" but that isn't what was suggested.  I played around with a few others, such as "with appreciation" and "hugs" but again, not what was suggested.

The "L" word is what was suggested.  More specifically, I was encouraged to close the thank you with "I L you" but I can't.  I just can't.  The "L" word has such strength behind it, I just don't feel like I can use it with my family.  (Yes, I know I'm referring to the "L" word as "it," just goes to show how uncomfortable that word makes me feel.

So, in an effort to understand what the closing actually means, I did what any anxiety-ridden techie does - I went to Google.  I was enlightened, but still.... yeah....

So it turns out that signing a note or letter "love ya" actually is less "strong" as signing "love you" and that is less strong than signing "I love you" or "love always," which are quite strong and serious.  Then there are the variety of signatures that hold similar connotation and strengths, such as "affectionately," and "ever yours," and adoringly," and "with love" and all the other closings that make my stomach churn.

Don't get me wrong, I can liberally use the "L" word in the "right" setting.  Like saying "I love my dog," or "I LOVE maple walnut fudge."  In that situation, the "L" word fits without hesitation.  It's when applying it to people......

Growing up, every single phone conversation with my parents ended with "Love you" which drastically diluted the meaning of the "L" word, and contributed to my aversion to using it.  To me, it's got power and, well, how shall I put it..... power, strength, and an overwhelming amount of warmth that fill it, I just don't like using it unless it's really all those things.  Guess that's part of growing up with the deep scars in which I did, and learning to overcome my aversion while accepting the scars is part of the work my team and I are in for..... Oy.

Guess I better go send that email........

You Can Tell Me

Four simple words.
Short.
One syllable.
Unremarkable apart.
But together?

Those four words flooded my heart,
filling me with the warmth only a hug brings.

Four little words,
spoken at just the right moment,
turned a fear-filled few minutes
with hope.......
with understanding.......
with possibility.........

And filled me
with gratitude........
with appreciation.......
with faith........

You can tell me.

You.
Can.
Tell.
Me.

Thank you.
Thank you thank you thank you.

Pup Speak

The Pup and I were out for a walk this evening, when a helicopter flew over head.  Yes, it was quite loud, and I know dogs have excellent hearing, so I had no doubt that the Pup would notice.  What I didn't expect was that not only would the Pup hear the helicopter, but he also saw it.  And he tracked it through the sky until it was out of sight. 

Probably no big deal, but it got me thinking.  This little nine pound dog, light enough to be blown about by a helicopter breeze, stopped and noticed something a few thousand feet above him.  Not only did he notice it, but he focused his entire little body on it until it passed, at which point he gave me his full attention once again.

It got me thinking about perspective. 

And this quote.

The way the Pup greets me when I walk in after work or errands you'd think I was this magical human who makes his world better.  Until I rescued him, I never realized how nice it was to go home.  When you're being greeted by a cuddly pogo-esque Pup, how can you not smile?

While in the Pup's eyes, I might be incredible....

One day I'd like it to be true in my eyes, too.

Little Guy, Big Hopes

I recently adopted a little dog, whom I absolutely adore. His history is unknown, all that is known is he's a lap dog that loves to lick noses and faces and fingers. He's adapted quickly into the household, and found his favorite spot to sleep (my pillow) and favorite spot to nap (the couch.)  In case I didn't mention it before, I'm completely smitten by his adorable eyes. I hate leaving him as he still barks when I leave, but I do love his wiggly, kiss-filled return!

Confession: I had really hoped that getting a pet, more specifically a dog, would fix a lot of my issues. I'd have someone else to take care of every day. I'd have an excuse to go out and walk at least three times a day (short as they may be!) I'd have someone to come home to who will love me unconditionally. I hoped that once I found the right pet (which I have,) things would get better.

Maybe my thinking was naive. This little guy had a lot of hopes riding on his tiny shoulders that he can't carry.  No one can.  Getting a dog may have been a great thing for me, but it sure hasn't fixed things.  Yes, I'm getting fresh air daily. I'm not spending every non-work moment in bed.  I'm working on a home routine, even if it is for this four legged little guy (who, by the way, is a sleepy-head like me!)

But I had hoped for more.... I had hoped that having a dog would magically lift the depression fog that follows me around. I hoped that my anxiety would lessen... that I'd be more hopeful about life in general.... instead, I'm feeling hopelessly in love with a little dog who can't fix me. He can't make things better. He can't make me feel less depressed or less anxious or less hopeless. He can't make my world feel any less heavy, despite his lightness.

In Awe and Appreciation

It's no secret that I'm in the midst of some yucky changes that I would prefer to avoid.  I really do work hard to keep this blog somewhat motivating and positive, but sometimes life happens and that is reflected here.  Gotta keep things honest and real, at least that's my goal.

Despite the changes and challenges, or maybe because of them, today I was once again reminded of how lucky I am to have such a wonderful team.  Really truly beyond what I could have dreamed up..... they are amazing.

Today was my annual physical, which I'll admit is not my favorite thing.  But I know that it's necessary if I want to take the best care of myself that I can.  I've been seeing my physician for upwards of 13 years now, and I have nothing but admiration and appreciation for her.  She cares, above and beyond, she cares.

Truth be told, my doctor is the reason I'm still around today.  She sent me to my therapist, who sent me to my dietitian.  Between the three of them...... I don't know that I'll ever be able to find the words to express my gratitude.  They've pushed me, frustrated me, scared me, annoyed me, and most of all, they've cared about me.... all for my own good.  Because of my team, not only am I here today, but I am able to survive challenging changes (albeit kicking and screaming sometimes!)  The mix of love, admiration, appreciation, and gratitude that I have for them.... I don't know where I'd be without them.

The confidence they have in me is actually somewhat frightening, as I'm not really sure where they find it.  But my trust in them?  I'd travel to Mars and back if they told me to.  And it is nice to have that trust in them.... maybe one day I'll find that confidence they seem to have, too.

Challenge 11, Part 3: YOU

I saw this quote this afternoon and it really grabbed me.  I am one of those people full of weird, random facts.  I hide behind them as a way to protect others from seeing the real me - the somewhat shy, very insecure, afraid-to-be-happy, ashamed-of-her-body, girl who just wants to find someone to accept her for who she is.

But before that will ever happen, it means I need to accept myself for who I am.  Which is so f@#$%& difficult!  It's been the topic of therapy for weeks now, the fact that I'm clinging to childish wishes that will never be fulfilled unless I figure out how to fulfill them myself.  And until I let go of those wishes, I'll never be able to process what I didn't get, and move forward into a world full of things I did get, and I do have.

Once that happens?  Who knows, maybe the world will reveal a person who falls in love with the me I've been trying to hide.  That'd be kind of nice, dontcha think?

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: LOVE

June Blogger Challenge Day 14: LOVE

When I saw this word, I cringed.  Love is not something that is easy for me to write about, maybe because I struggle to express it, to say it, to allow it into my heart.

BUT....

There is something that I do love. 

And two quotes came to mind.

The first is a rather familiar quote by Rumi.  I like the simplicity and elegance of it.  I like it even more, because yes, I do LOVE what I do.  I love getting up for work (almost) every morning and getting my room ready for the arrival of my students.  I love hearing their voices as they eagerly descend upon the classroom, their home for seven hours a day, 180 days a year.  I love watching their eyes light up when they learn something new.  I love their laughter.  I love seeing them grow and learn.  I love teaching them new things, and watching them apply their new learning to other areas of their lives.

The second quote needs a little alteration to fit in this blog post.  If you read the quote by James Barrie (also known as the author of Peter Pan among other things) replace the "likes" with "love" and you have me and my job.  I love what I do.  I love teaching children.  I don't always love dealing with the politics that come with teaching, nor the sometimes-overbearing parents, but I do love the kids.  When I am at school is when I am the happiest.

Prompt: You knew this would be on here.  But don’t think of it as a clichéd prompt. Write about what love means for you, or something that embodies love, how you want to be more loving, or what it’s like to love yourself. It’s up to you.