Enlightenment?

More Music

Have you seen the movie Moneyball?  It's one of my favorite movies.  I never get tired of watching it. In fact, I just finished watching it again.... and though this song struck me from the first time I watched the movie, it hit a homer tonight.  Make that a grand slam.

Music seems to be speaking to me louder than usual as of late.  Maybe because these days, other than my therapist's voice, music is the only thing that gets through to this frenetically hyperactive brain of mine. Gives me momentary pause to think.

Sometimes that's a good thing.  Tonight?  I've kinda liked not thinking.

More processing ahead.......

The Show (Lyrics below)

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle,

Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone, 

I've tried and I don't know why
Slow it down, make it stop 

or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much, yeah it's a lot
To be something I'm not
I'm a fool out of love
'Cause I just can't get enough..

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone
I've tried and I don't know why
I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down
I know I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

The sun is hot in the sky just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the signs and synchronize in time
It's a joke nobody knows, they've got a ticket to the show
Yeah, I'm just a little bit caught in the middle,
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone, 

I've tried and I don't know why
I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down
I know I've got to let it go and just enjoy the show
Just enjoy the show

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone
I've tried and I don't know why
I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down
I know I've got to let it go and just enjoy the show
Just enjoy the show, just enjoy the show....

(Here's the full length version)

Little Guy, Big Hopes

I recently adopted a little dog, whom I absolutely adore. His history is unknown, all that is known is he's a lap dog that loves to lick noses and faces and fingers. He's adapted quickly into the household, and found his favorite spot to sleep (my pillow) and favorite spot to nap (the couch.)  In case I didn't mention it before, I'm completely smitten by his adorable eyes. I hate leaving him as he still barks when I leave, but I do love his wiggly, kiss-filled return!

Confession: I had really hoped that getting a pet, more specifically a dog, would fix a lot of my issues. I'd have someone else to take care of every day. I'd have an excuse to go out and walk at least three times a day (short as they may be!) I'd have someone to come home to who will love me unconditionally. I hoped that once I found the right pet (which I have,) things would get better.

Maybe my thinking was naive. This little guy had a lot of hopes riding on his tiny shoulders that he can't carry.  No one can.  Getting a dog may have been a great thing for me, but it sure hasn't fixed things.  Yes, I'm getting fresh air daily. I'm not spending every non-work moment in bed.  I'm working on a home routine, even if it is for this four legged little guy (who, by the way, is a sleepy-head like me!)

But I had hoped for more.... I had hoped that having a dog would magically lift the depression fog that follows me around. I hoped that my anxiety would lessen... that I'd be more hopeful about life in general.... instead, I'm feeling hopelessly in love with a little dog who can't fix me. He can't make things better. He can't make me feel less depressed or less anxious or less hopeless. He can't make my world feel any less heavy, despite his lightness.

Out-of-the-Box

That seems to be where I spend a good deal of time.  Thinking outside of the box.  I've always thought it to be a good thing, but lately, I'm not so sure.  It seems that sometimes, or so I've been told, thinking outside the box scares those that prefer to spend their time inside the box.  Ironically, just yesterday, I read a GREAT article about this exact topic on another blog.  Seems that most people find comfort within their little box.  But in some cases, people outgrow the box, for whatever reason, and decide to leave it behind.

And that makes others very nervous.  Cause being an outside-the-box thinker is who I am naturally.  Which these days, I'm not sure I like.

Some people might say that living inside the box is lonely and isolating, but I'm experiencing the opposite.  Seems that there are few people who naturally think outside of the box.  So really, I'm finding the outside rather lonely, and to be honest, a bit frightening.  I'd much rather have preferred to stick in the box if I knew it would protect me from ridicule and bullying that has escalated the more I spend time outside the box.  People inside their boxes feel threatened by me (or so I'm told) and would rather I stop thinking the way I do, which is kinda impossible.

I can understand their perspective to a degree, I mean, there is definitely comfort in consistency and security that the box offers.  But..... not everyone is comfortable in the box..... so please, if you know someone who is an outside the box thinker, even if you don't always get where they are coming from, please don't make fun of, or ridicule, or bully them into believing they are wrong for the way they naturally think.  That doesn't help anyone.  And to be honest, it hurts.  A lot.  Because while questioning oneself can be a good reflection tool, when done from a critical perspective, it does more harm than good.

Week 30: Three Words

Three words.  That's it.  Just three words.

Which three words best describe me?  Argh!

More decisions to make!  Too many choices!

(Temper tantrum over, sorry you had to witness that!)

OK.  So Three words.  Hmmm..... This is for sure a challenge!  BUT, at this moment, I will say that the following three words best describe me:

emotional               thinker              sensitive

I am a very emotional person.  For years and years I kept my emotions inside, locked up, and only released them when there was no more room in my body to hold them.  That, or sometimes they snuck out, late at night, alone, as tears in my pillow.  I get very emotionally invested in things - work, students, projects, and so on.  That can be a good thing, but sometimes it turns into a major-one-track-mind deal, and the emotions become so imbedded in what I'm doing, that the task becomes more than what it really is.  And that leaves me so exhausted from feeling so much, that I have nothing left, and just fall apart.  At least that's what happens more and more frequently, since I've stopped trying to keep my emotions inside.  That stupid ed really helped with the emotional numbing, and since that's not my go-to coping mechanism anymore, there's a heck of a lot more frequent emotional releases... and (unfortunately) they aren't always alone as tears in my pillow anymore!

Now this next word?  It was a tricky one to select, because I wanted to pick something that talked about how much I love being a teacher, and how much I love being a learner, too.  I figured that in order to do each of those, I need to be a thinker.  I like to spend time thinking about what I've read, what I've learned, what I've observed, and lately, thanks to my team, I even spend some time thinking about how I'm feeling (not my favorite kind of thinking!)  Sometimes this is a good thing to be, as I can find multiple perspectives to different scenarios (as long as they don't involve my personal life) which can be fun and helpful.  Sometimes this is not the greatest, because I do have a tendency to over-think things..... which can lead to some emotional distress.... but for the most part, being a thinker is a pretty good thing, I think!

This last word, sensitive, kind of fits well with emotional, and I almost didn't use it because of that.  But it's a really fitting word, because I am sensitive in every possible definition.  I have this tendency to "feel" the room, as someone once put it.  If I walk into a room where people are agitated or stressed or happy or excited, I'll feel it.  That level of sensitivity can be good, but it is often very draining.  I'm pretty sensitive to people's needs in the sense that I am good at figuring out what someone might need, and helping them get that.  I can tell if people are upset and hiding it, which can be good, if I am willing to address it, but it can be rough, if I instead just think about it endlessly.... I'm also sensitive in the literal term - I'm allergic to way too many things - foods, medicines, products in general.  My skin is super sensitive, so is my stomach.  So are my feelings, which are easily hurt, which make me a little more emotional....!

(BONUS! Since I was never good at following rules, here is one bonus word that describes me.  I am observant.  I notice everything.  That little flower growing through the crack in the sidewalk that wasn't there yesterday?  I notice that.  That you wear the same outfit every Friday?  Yep, I notice that too.  That you've started biting your nails again?  That the pillows were rearranged?  That the kids are always a little more talkative on pizza day?  Yup.  I notice all of it.  Like the other adjectives I selected, this too, has it's positives and negatives.  It's nice to notice the little things, as people appreciate compliments on those little things.  But sometimes it's tiring, because too many little changes make me really anxious!)

So, in summary, I am an (observant and) emotionally sensitive thinker!