Sunday, September 20, 2015
I am a Kate Hudson fan, and always have been. She sends a very positive message to the world, and while I know TV is not real at all, she comes across as a person who would make for a good friend.
This. Scene. Where William yells at Penny Lane about the Real World, and the confusion all the rules and sayings and nicknames.... I get it. While this movie is completely fictitious, the idea of being in a false reality, as in on tour with the band, is familiar. The rules of this "world" and all the sayings and such? I get it. And I get why William is mad. He sees the potential.
I've lived in this world. I think I still do.
For years, I participated in a sport that was more expensive than I could afford. I was literally surrounded by people who dropped $15K a weekend, and purchased horses worth more than a new car. I lived in that fantasy world for years. At first, I loved it. But deep down, I knew I didn't fit. I tried. I tried hard to fit. And there were times, moments like Penny's reaction at the end of the clip, where I swallowed the "this isn't right" and "I know I am worth more" feeling and shoved ahead, even though I knew there was a better place for me in the world.
I relied on humor a lot back then, and I'm finding myself relying, once again, on humor as I navigate my new world. Yes, my new world. My new job that I began this summer required a massive change of venue, and a huge shift in working overall.
All good. All good for sure.
Except. Once again, I feel like the end of this scene, where no matter what Penny is thrown, she will always, always, always smile through the tears, lighten the situation, and not let it get to her. But I saw her face. I saw her reaction. The tears. The brief but powerful shift of her gaze. I recognized it. Cause I do it.
And this new job? Yes, it's my dream job. And yes, I love it. But I feel like an outsider in the "real world" of this community. I do have a commonality with everyone, which is good, but.... the rules... the nicknames.... the sayings..... the confusion..... the inner hurt because I don't get it. It's outside of my knowledge base. And it makes me feel uncomfortable and bad about myself.
Here's the thing. Everyone has said if I have questions, feel free to ask. And I have asked questions, and people have patiently explained and clarified. And like in the movie, everything in the end comes around, through the road blocks and confusion, there is a sense of peace as the credits roll.
Right now, though, I'm in the end of the scene. The first few weeks of school were crazy, and it would have been no shock to anyone if I broke down at all. What people don't know is that on the inside, I was frustrated to the point of tears. But on the outside, I was smiling and cracking jokes. And keeping everyone shielded from any emotion that wasn't positive.
I'm really getting tired of smiling through those tears. Really tired.