Sunday, September 6, 2015

When You've Got it All....

and you still feel like crud......

Then you'd be me.

Cause right now, my life is really, really good.  My new job is ah-may-zing.  Seriously.  I am up well before my alarm goes off for the first time in years.  And my alarm now goes off early!  I have already faced many challenges at work, and yet, working through them has not deterred me from loving my new position.

While my new colleagues have me up on a pedestal right now, I know that the truth is, I'm walking with them, not ahead of them.  They just don't realize it.  And for every time they try to push me onto that pedestal, I lift them right up there with me.

The kids, though I don't have my own class, have been inspiring and motivating.  There is such a vibe at this new school, unlike any school I've been in before.  I love it there, even with the challenges and flaws, it's already feeling like home, and it's only been a month.

But inside.  Eating disordered behaviors are surfacing again, and I didn't even realize it.  I've been watching the depression creep up, slowly at first, and rapidly the last week or so, until now, where I'm buried in it again.  My doctor is worried.  My therapist hasn't figured this out yet, I am that good at hiding it.  My dietitian is on to me, though.

The worst part is that I actually have no reason whatsoever to feel this way.  Walking into school every morning, I'm invigorated.  The opportunities I've already been given, in this first month of school?  I know that I'm in the right place, where my talents are embraced and utilized.  I finally feel a sense of contentment.  I'm with my "peeps" who accept me and all of my quirks, just as I am.

And yet.  I am depressed.  Again.

Will this cycle ever end?

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