I saw a number today that I didn't like.
I didn't like it at all.
A few months ago, I saw this same number (it was slightly different at the time) but the way in which I saw it didn't upset me, at least not much, and definitely not enough for me to blog about it like I did the first time I saw the number back in February (which I wrote about here.) Today, though, I had a similar reaction to the February situation. The number sent me through the roof, evoking an all out internal war.
I try... I have been trying, not to think about that number at all. I've definitely been trying not to give it any more power over me. Some days are more successful than others, but over the past five or six weeks, I have been rather successful in not letting that number take up residence in my thoughts.
Today, at the doctor's office, the nurse was careless. Today, the nurse seemed to be somewhat unaware of my situation (I say somewhat because she did know enough to have me get in a gown first, but she did so with not all that much tact - ok, with no tact - whatsoever.) Today, I was so unprepared for this situation to arise, especially considering it's a monthly appointment with this same doctor, whom I really like, and the same routine happens every time, that it really stunned me, and quite frankly, really upset me, too.
Sometimes things work out in for the best, even if it wasn't planned that way. I left this appointment a complete wreck, fighting tears, determined to "fix" things in regards to the number, no matter what the cost. I had to head to another appointment from there, so I tried not to get too worked up before heading in to that one. This appointment, though, was a gift. I was able to let go of the number, let go of the whole situation, and look at it through a different lens. By the time I left appointment number three (I had one other in the morning, uneventful and not worth mentioning) I felt calm, contained, and much more able to positively move forward without inflicting any damage on my already over-taxed body and mind. Thank g-d for my amazing therapist! Thank g-d for small miracles!
Now, the challenge is to continue on the course in which I was prior to seeing that number this afternoon. Can I do it? I'm not sure, but I'll sure be giving it a try!