Saturday, June 2, 2012

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: INVISIBLE

June Blog Challenge Day 2: Invisible

I almost always felt invisible growing up.  That began a lifestyle that I maintain to this day, and one that I am finally trying to change.  Being invisible meant that I blended in, and didn't make waves.  I called little attention myself (I hated being the center of attention!) and preferred to work in small groups.  The more people around, the more invisible I became.  As an adult, things haven't changed much.  I still hate making waves.  I still hate calling attention to what I am doing.  I still prefer being forgotten about and left to my own devices.  I still hate large groups, the only thing they're good for is hiding.

I was just talking with someone about my so-called-secrets, ones I keep invisible from the rest of my world.  I know that everyone has things that are personal, and not shared outside of a select few.  For me, more of my life is private than public, and that isn't always the best way to live.  Yes, invisibility is definitely one of my coping mechanisms.  Sometimes I pretend that some of my challenges are invisible, and try to ignore them.  That has yet to work.  In fact, it's backfired on me.  It's only helped hide my ed, and other issues that need to be brought to light in order to change.

I'm not afraid to be invisible because it keeps me safe.  I am afraid to be visible.  I am afraid that if people get to know the real me, they'll run from the room screaming.  I'm afraid of what will happen when I finally break through this pattern and step into the world.  A part of me would love to live life solo, hiding behind clothes and work... but a bigger part of me knows that the world has too many opportunities, and to hide, to live invisibly for the rest of my life?  That would mean missing out on a lot.  The question is, am I going to be able to change what has been so ingrained?  Only time will tell...

Prompt: Have you felt this way? Do you  feel this way? Is this ridiculous because you feel SO the opposite of  invisible? Are you afraid to be seen? Are you afraid to BE invisible? Does  this word remind you of being a kid? What does  this word mean for YOU?

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