Saturday, June 2, 2012

Three down, one to go

I have made it three months.  The first two months d-r-a-g-g-e-d by, the last month, while slow, wasn't as torturous.  That's likely cause I was rather preoccupied with recovering from surgery.  Doesn't mean I didn't think about her every single day.  One month from today, she'll be back.  Three months ago, I was shocked I survived the first month.  One month from now, I'll be able to say I survived four whole months without someone pretty important in my life right now.  

Like that Kelly Clarkson song...
There were lots (I mean lots) of ups and downs.  There were a few scary moments, where all I wanted was to be wrapped up the safety of a hug, but I survived.  It was really hard for me to admit how much it hurts to miss someone special, but strangely, there was a sense of relief once I did.  I still am not comfortable with this attachment, with this idea of missing someone that much.  But I'm dealing.

My therapist would say that because of all the challenges over the past three months, because of those ups and downs, and because of the emotional pain involved in missing someone... she would say that surviving this ordeal has made me stronger. 

I think she's right... kind of.  I don't know that I'm any stronger, but I do agree that I've changed, that I've grown as a result of this experience.  I've been more in touch (reluctantly) with my emotions than ever before.  I've felt very supported and cared for, despite this absence, my therapist has made sure of that.  I don't know where I would be without her.  My whole team is incredible, but my therapist?  One of a kind.  I've learned what it's like to feel some key emotions I've repressed for my whole life.  No, I don't enjoy that whole feel-the-anger-feel-the-sadness part, and I'm not terribly good at it, but I've experienced both over the past three months, and as promised, neither killed me.

Life has a funny way of teaching lessons.  All I know right now, is one month... I just hope it doesn't go as slowly as that first month did!

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