Post Secret Ponderings

I got the newest Post Secret book for my birthday a few months back.  I skimmed it then, but I finally had a chance to sit and really read through it recently.  There I sat, in my swing, snuggled in with a pillow and a blanket.  Cradling my Post Secret book.  Knowing that I'm gonna be diving into a hole, by choice, and I don't know what will be when I climb out.

This book, in particular, struck me on a very deep level.  It's my third Post Secret book, and I look forward to Sunday Secrets every week, but still.  In reading this book, I realized something that I think I've known for a while, but never acknowledged to be true.

Reading this book, I realized that some of my darkest deepest secrets have been shared by others.  Flipping through the pages, I saw at least three secrets that I was too afraid to send.  Two of the three have never been spoken of outside my treatment team's offices.  The third secret still resides solely in my head.

And apparently, they all reside in the minds of others, too.  

Does this make me feel any better?  I don't know.  Not really, I think.  It does make me feel less alone, knowing others are struggling with my struggles, too.  But it doesn't make me feel better.  Cause no one else should have to deal with my struggles, these in particular, and I wouldn't wish them upon anyone.

But clearly, others are inflicted, too.

And while occasionally, it helps to hear examples of what others have done in similar spots, usually, when someone on my team provides an example such as "you need to remember that you're not the only person in the world dealing with this?"  That? That is not helpful.

See, I'm an overachiever when it comes to constantly comparing myself to others.  I'm masterful at using others checklists to "score" myself.  I like knowing that sometimes, when my dietitian has a ridiculous schedule, she will fit in a workout anyway, though it may only be 20 minutes, because it's better than nothing.  That tip has kept me exercising on days when I was too busy to, knowing that if she is good with the concessional 20 minute workout instead of the full on hour, then I can be too.

So why do I still struggle with the idea of knowing that others suffer from the same issues I do?  Why do I cry when I see my secret on Post Secret, or in one of the books, though I never sent it in?  Why can't I find comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in my struggles?  While I might never know the answers to these questions, I'm ok with that.  I will continue reading Sunday Secrets, and continue reading the Post Secret books, and continue crying when I read one of my secrets in someone else's handwriting.  Maybe one day, I'll take comfort in those secrets, too.

Secrets II

I've spent my whole life trying to figure out who I was.  In doing so, I became a chameleon with an eating disorder.  There was something so deeply wrong with me, I had to do whatever it took to keep that buried and away from the world.  And I did so at any cost.

I was young, just around my first decade of life, when I realized there was something that "wrong" with me.  A secret that could NEVER escape lived in my head, and I spent every moment in public ensuring the protection of that secret.  I got good at it, too.  It was like an invisible armor that automatically dropped on me as I left my bedroom, and was magically removed when I returned.

My eating issues developed around 13.  This secret became more scary around that time, too.  By 16 it became so scary that I started the roller coaster of dieting.  I had to starve it to death.

More than 20 years later, that secret is no longer buried as deep.  It's still secret.  It's still something I can't speak.  But it no longer holds me hostage.

My therapist holds the secret.  So does my dietitian.  One of my BFFs knows, too.  Sharing this secret with them has made it a little easier for me to carry myself.  I'm still afraid to tell anyone else, yet the lightness that came from sharing with the few above?  That they all still like me? 

Secrets are insanely scary.  Holding them and sharing them, actually.  I was so afraid to even acknowledge my own secret, much less share it with anyone, for fear that the world would hate me even more than I hated myself.

I don't know what I'd do with out my treatment team.  I've worked with therapists on and off much of my life, but nothing compares the support I have now.  Secrets may stay hidden from the rest of the world, but having my team to share with?  I wish everyone could have the chance for a relationship this therapeutic, it's the best gift I've ever given myself.  Between my dietitian and therapist, I've never felt so optimistic.

I wish everyone could have someone to hold the horrid secrets that keep us captive in our own minds.  As bad as my secret felt, it is held differently by my team than by me.  Secrets don't need to destroy me anymore.  Sharing them won't make me explode.  It won't end my world.

Sharing them only makes me stronger.

Running

I run a lot even though I don't use my feet.
I realize that now.
I run when things are uncomfortable.
I run from change.
I run out of fear.
I run from sadness.
I run from anger.
I run from hurt and pain and discomfort.

And I run from my head.
My own thoughts.
And that's the hardest running of all.

Therapy.
In my mind, major disaster session,
though my therapist said all was fine.
The time to talk will come when the words are ready.
No time limits.
No pressure.

Except all of this pressure from me.

I tried to talk I really did try I came close too.
At one point I had wandered off into silence for a bit.
She asked if we were done for the day.
I couldn't answer in words,
but I did un-bury my face and uncurl myself from ball on the chair that I had become.

Then the tears came.
Lots of them.
So uncomfortable.
I tried.
The words were on my tongue but they couldn't escape.
It just wasn't happening, no matter how much I wanted to speak them.
I told Her I wish she had was a mind reader.
She laughed. Not that easy she said.

She's right.

Maybe next time.

I can't hold this secret for much longer.

Maybe next time........
Maybe next time.........

NEDA Week: Secrets

Post Secret is a guilty pleasure of mine.  I wake up Sunday morning the first thing I do is check Sunday Secrets.  This week, in honor of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, the secrets* are all on the topic of Eating Disorders.  I am not going to post any other postcards, as they may be disturbing or triggering.  I chose this one because it illustrates a key "element" of eating disorders: secrecy.

My eating disorder remained such a closely guarded secret for so long, I wasn't even aware I had one.  Once I realized that there was a chance I had an eating disorder, I still kept it secret from everyone, even my doctor.  It wasn't until I began working with my therapist that it couldn't be kept secret anymore.  And let me tell you, it was such a relief to have it out in the open.  Well..... out in the open with in my safe circle of trust, of course!  I am lucky.  I have an amazing support and treatment team that has helped me through the worst of things, and continue to help me on my path to recovery.

In the rest of the world, my eating disorder is still a secret.  I wish it wasn't.  I wish I had more people to talk to, more people that I trusted with this deep, dark, secret.  But I don't.  I trusted two very close friends when I first came clean with my eating disorder, and their reactions deterred me from telling others.  At this point, nearly 3 years after diagnosis, outside of my treatment team, only six people know my secret.  Makes it very hard to reach out for help.......

If you need help........ please reach out!  You can start right HERE.

*This link may only direct to eating disorder secrets until March 1st, at which point it may shift to whatever secrets are there.

Secrets

I am a good listener.  People tell me things.  I am glad to hold on to their secrets because I know how good it feels to have someone else hold my secrets.

Want to see lots of secrets? 
Check out www.postsecretcommunity.com

The thing is, these days... I don't have many secrets.  I've become a great tattletale.

No, you don't have to worry.  If you gave me a secret to hold, I'll hold it till you tell me otherwise.

I'm talking about tattling on myself.  I'm great at telling on me.

Lately, well, for the past year or so, I've been great at doing stupid things.  Like really, really dumb things.  Things that could get me into a heap of trouble.  No, not that kind of trouble.  I'm not that dumb.  The kind of trouble that ends up hurting only me.  The kind of stupid that causes me to suffer more, that causes me to hurt, that causes damage to my body.

And when I do things like that, I have such a guilty conscience, that I have no choice but to tell on myself.  It's the right thing to do.  It's the right thing to do, and if I ever want to grow past this self-loathing phase I seem to be in, it's the only thing to do.

Sometimes I don't even realize I have a secret... sometimes I've let myself get so wrapped up in the illusion that I don't even realize I've been lying to myself for days.  Not good.

I guess it's good that with my team, no secret stays secret for long.  Well, it's a good thing AND a challenge... cause with this team, there can be no secrets.  I have to keep it real, keep it honest, and keep telling on myself... 

I just hate those secrets that are so hard to tell the fist time, and then I have to repeat it enough times so that everyone is in the loop.  Guess it's a good thing I like to talk...

Here's a secret I'll share with you.
Yes, you.

When it comes to Secrets... One Republic explains em really nicely....