Thanksgiving 2015

Well.  This generally explains my Thanksgiving experience.  This year, however, was different.  And it's taken me a while to digest the day- literally and figuratively. 

My whole life, my parents have hosted Thanksgiving.  It's always hovered around 18 people, swelling to 30 at some points in the past.  Thanksgiving has been, by far, my favorite holiday to celebrate with family because there are no gifts involved.  It's simply family getting together to share a great meal together.  Good food, sharing stories and memories, and an easy day for me to hide my eating patterns.

This year, though.... it was the first time in my life I wasn't with my family.  I shouldn't really care much about that, considering how much my family drives me nuts 85% of the time.  But it was really weird.  And I didn't like it.  I didn't like not being around everyone.  I didn't miss the cursing and arguing that ensued.  Nor did I miss the negative family members who always complain about being on the receiving end of hell.  But I did miss the family. 

Sure, we celebrated together on Friday, but it wasn't the same.  It was just the immediate family.  No aunts, uncles, cousins..... just us.  And the food Friday was non-traditional.  It was supposed to be a "leftover Thanksgiving" meal, but it morphed into leftovers, brunch, and Jewish delicacies.  The meal was actually rather schizophrenic, and as my mom changed the menu a dozen or so times in 24 hours, I ended up without much to eat.

The odd thing about the whole event was the way it confused the heck out of me.  When I was younger, I always wanted to be able to celebrate holidays with friends.  Trick-or-treat with my best friends (was never able to do so, always had to stay with family,) or new years, or even enjoy Christmas Day with my Jewish friends.  But none of that ever happened.  I was always with my family (with the exception of NYE babysitting years).  Somehow, that is what *felt* right, even though I didn't always want to be there.

So this year, I celebrated with my best friend and her family.  I knew pretty much everyone in her family, and I always enjoy hanging out with them.  It was a lovely evening, full of good food, good conversation, laughter, and relaxation.  It was quite pleasant.

But when I got in the car, it hit.  I spent the drive home alternating between tears and "I'm ok right now because" conversations in my head.  Truth was, I really was ok.  A great evening with great friends and great food?  Heading home to a warm house in a safe neighborhood, driving a safe car that's paid off - all stuff that make things perfectly good.  Perfectly all right.

Perfectly ok.  Despite what my head thinks.  That's where the confusion comes in.

So I guess I will remind myself that one of the things I am most thankful for is my treatment team - cause with their help, maybe one day I won't be as confused.....!

Challenge 6, Part 3: The Self

This one is still a struggle for me.  I think what it boils down to is I am still trying to figure out who I am.  I mean, I know that I'm a person, a teacher, a daughter, a sister, a friend - all that stuff.  But really, who am I?

I've spent so much time being a chameleon, being the person that fits where I am at that moment.  In doing so, I never established a firm sense of self.  And that is one of the things I'm working on right now.

I read this great blog post from Surfacing After Silence about developing your own identity, or, more likely, finding your true self.  It definitely got me thinking about who I am and who I want to be.  I may be in my 30's, but it's never to late to do some self-discovery and create the me I want to be!

Don't Want To Think...

Coping Mechanisms

How do you react under stress?  How do you respond to stressful situations?  How do you handle things that are out of your control, yet impact you rather a lot?  How do you catch life's curve balls in a healthy manner?

I ask... cause I don't.

My biggest coping mechanism is probably one of the most unhealthy ways to cope.  Period.

Right now, I'm in a myriad of stressful situations.  Between school, health, work, and life in general, there are at least 3 major stressors in every area right now.  As in, this very moment.

And I want to go back.  I want to go back to the coping mechanism that has been helpful for so many years, and at the same time, has been so hurtful and unhealthy, I know I shouldn't go there.

Right now, I'm trying to invest myself in a project for school that I have no energy to do.  I want to do it, I know I could, but since I don't have the energy to do it to my standards, I don't want to do it at all.  Right now, I'm trying to organize some support, unsuccessfully, I might add, to help me through a big medical procedure I'm having in just over a week.  Right now, I'm trying to put together lesson plans for four weeks.  Yep, four.  This week, the two weeks I'll be out of school, and the week I return.  Right now, I'm wishing I knew how to better communicate with those I care about cause it's going to be really hard to pull through without them.

The sadness of the reality in my head is suffocating me right now.  It's clouded my vision and strained my breathing so that I can't see clearly what really is.  The reality in my head isn't some place that I like to spend time.

But until I learn some healthier coping mechanisms, it's where I tend to retreat, cause at least it isn't as bad as what I used to do, what I want to do... run back to the place of familiarity, where I am comfortable listening to the grumblings... in fact, they're music to my ears.

47 days down, 71 days to go.

I Just Don't Get It

It has absolutely been a crazy few months.  Lots of family stuff, lots of health stuff, lots of stuff in general.  I'm starting to realize that my life thrives on the chaotic times that never seem to end, yet, somehow, I seemed to have learned to live amidst the chaos.

Despite the chaos, though, I have managed to somewhat stabilize my weight.  This is a very good thing, and a part of me is quite pleased with my progress.  Only a few short months ago, I was barely able to maintain from week to week.  A year ago, I wasn't even eating enough to sustain basic metabolic function.  I've come a long way!  I mean, I even saw *that* number a few weeks ago, and while it startled me, it didn't derail my progress like it did last time.  Talk about progress!

In a few weeks, I'll be having minor surgery.  This comes after a two and a half year journey and dozens upon dozens of doctor visits, so I'm actually kind of excited that there is not only an answer to this issue, but a solution, too.

Here's what I don't get.

In thinking about my progress with my health and eating, I can see how far I've come, and how much better I'm doing.  So why then, has the nasty little voice in my mind been telling me that as soon as the surgery is over, and I'm recovered from that, I'm going back to my (not-so) good buddy who never has my best interest in mind in the first place?  Why then, would I throw away the hard work of the past few months once the surgery is done, only to go backwards in my recovery?  Why on earth would I even entertain those thoughts?

I just don't get it.