From Bad to Worse

Things just seem to be going from bad to worse.  Friday it was a complete stranger that sent me into a tailspin, today, it was a situation at work.  Lately, I feel like I can't catch a break.  Which sucks.  Big time.  (and apparently, I'm not the only one who's noticed the target I seem to wear, as colleagues have commented on "things" too.)

It's as if I'm walking around, as a colleague described it, with a giant target on me.  When anything at all goes wrong in the building, I'm blamed.  It is irrational and illogical in every way.  But unfortunately, it is what it is, and I have no choice but to ride out this wave of insanity.  And not let it break me.

Cause I'm stronger than my eating disorder.  And I'm stronger than a blame-game target.  The question is, how long will I be able to maintain that strength, maintain my dignity, maintain my life.... without breaking completely into un-fixable pieces.  Cause sometimes, you just can't fix the platter that's shattered into hundreds of pieces.

Mother Teresa said "I know G-d won't give me anything I can't handle.  I just wish He didn't trust me so much."  I know what she means.  I know I am meant to learn something from these past few days.  Maybe it's that I can't give one person the power to make me feel bad about myself, or worthless, or self-conscious.  Maybe it's that I am meant to handle situations like this because I'm strong enough to do so.  Maybe.... I dunno, but I wish, whatever the lesson I'm meant to learn, would show itself soon, because this is getting really hard to handle...

One of those days....

Have you ever had one of those days where you look back on it as you unwind from the day, and are shocked at all that transpired?

That was my today.  The day flew all-too-quickly, which was rather nice for a Monday.  On the same note, it felt very disjointed because of external issues that cropped up, demanding immediate attention.

I was really looking forward to seeing my therapist tonight, to debrief, and hopefully get my head on a little bit straighter after the chaos of the past few days.  While it was a great session, and a great conversation, and I left her office feeling pretty ok.... I got in the car and cried my way home.  No words, either, to explain why.  Just an unleashing of tears that I can't explain.  I just wish they had arrived earlier, so that I could have been in therapy at the time and could have explored the possibilities for them with my therapist.

Some days just leave me wondering how I made it thorough the day in one piece, while still managing to plant some good in the world.  Today was one of those days.  I planted good seeds in the lessons taught at school today, and then my tears watered them all evening long.  Maybe that means they'll grow faster?

I Just Don't Get It

It has absolutely been a crazy few months.  Lots of family stuff, lots of health stuff, lots of stuff in general.  I'm starting to realize that my life thrives on the chaotic times that never seem to end, yet, somehow, I seemed to have learned to live amidst the chaos.

Despite the chaos, though, I have managed to somewhat stabilize my weight.  This is a very good thing, and a part of me is quite pleased with my progress.  Only a few short months ago, I was barely able to maintain from week to week.  A year ago, I wasn't even eating enough to sustain basic metabolic function.  I've come a long way!  I mean, I even saw *that* number a few weeks ago, and while it startled me, it didn't derail my progress like it did last time.  Talk about progress!

In a few weeks, I'll be having minor surgery.  This comes after a two and a half year journey and dozens upon dozens of doctor visits, so I'm actually kind of excited that there is not only an answer to this issue, but a solution, too.

Here's what I don't get.

In thinking about my progress with my health and eating, I can see how far I've come, and how much better I'm doing.  So why then, has the nasty little voice in my mind been telling me that as soon as the surgery is over, and I'm recovered from that, I'm going back to my (not-so) good buddy who never has my best interest in mind in the first place?  Why then, would I throw away the hard work of the past few months once the surgery is done, only to go backwards in my recovery?  Why on earth would I even entertain those thoughts?

I just don't get it.