Monday, October 22, 2012
From Bad to Worse
It's as if I'm walking around, as a colleague described it, with a giant target on me. When anything at all goes wrong in the building, I'm blamed. It is irrational and illogical in every way. But unfortunately, it is what it is, and I have no choice but to ride out this wave of insanity. And not let it break me.
Cause I'm stronger than my eating disorder. And I'm stronger than a blame-game target. The question is, how long will I be able to maintain that strength, maintain my dignity, maintain my life.... without breaking completely into un-fixable pieces. Cause sometimes, you just can't fix the platter that's shattered into hundreds of pieces.
Mother Teresa said "I know G-d won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." I know what she means. I know I am meant to learn something from these past few days. Maybe it's that I can't give one person the power to make me feel bad about myself, or worthless, or self-conscious. Maybe it's that I am meant to handle situations like this because I'm strong enough to do so. Maybe.... I dunno, but I wish, whatever the lesson I'm meant to learn, would show itself soon, because this is getting really hard to handle...