Six Hundred!

The quote that started the blog.....

This post, yes, this very one you're reading, is the 600th post on My Purple Dreams!

When the blog began, I figured that I'd post once a week or so.... now, three years later?  Well, if I posted once a week for 2 full years, that would be 104 posts.  Considering we're at 600?  Guess this blogging thing has worked out, at least for the most part!

A few reflections on the blog....

1.  I started this blog as a part of a recovery project.  While recovery is still a daily challenge, this blog has seen me through the lowest of lows, and I hope, will see me through the consistency of recovered.

2.  My favorite part of the blog is the fact that with each post, there is a chance that someone will read my words, and they will be exactly what that person needs to read at that moment.  The words will be the glimmer of hope, the sign, the realization that they're not alone, the affirmation that they're on the right path...... The words will brighten someone else's day, or comfort the tears that have fallen.  In essence, since I have read a handful of incredible blogs, that were such support during my roughest times, I hope that maybe my words can be there to help someone else.

3.  The hardest part of blogging has been making myself write when I don't want to.  It's been letting my words hit the screen even when they don't want to leave my brain.  It's a challenge, for sure, that I succumbed to this past summer for two months, but it's a challenge that is worth tackling on a regular basis.

To all who are reading this now.... thank you for sharing even a few moments of your day with me!  I hope you find something here that makes you smile!

Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen.

This is the last time, at least in my lifetime, that there will be a numerically fun day like this.

So far, I've seen:

01/02/03

02/03/04

03/04/05

04/05/06

05/06/07

06/07/08

07/08/09

08/09/10

09/10/11

10/11/12

11/12/13

And this year:

I think it's kind of neat that I've been present for 12 number-fun days.  

Yes, there have been other fun days, like:

01/01/01

02/02/02

03/03/03

04/04/04

05/05/05

06/06/06

07/07/07

08/08/08

09/09/09

10/10/10

11/11/11

12/12/12 

The funny thing is, despite the number-fun play, I was never a math person.  I pretty stopped liking math in 5th grade, and pretty much failed out of Algebra in high school.

And yet.... I love numbers now.  I love how they always make sense.  There is no arguing with an accurate equation.  Yes, there may be different perspectives (for example, 1 + 1 = 3)* but for the most part, math and numbers are clean cut, proven, and reliable.

Considering the only reliable things in my life are my therapist and the Pup, 

it's no wonder I've become a fan of math!

*1 adult + 1 adult = 3 people (2 adults + 1 baby)

Eating Numbers

Anyone remember when life was simpler? 

Maybe during childhood, at least for a while, we got the taste of pure, simple, life.  A time when playing was the only thing on the agenda.  A time when getting up meant rolling out of bed and jumping into play clothes before heading out for a day of adventures of the imagination.

A time when I ate food.....
not numbers.

I was actually taken to my knees today, when it hit me.  The realization that I no longer see food as food.  I see it as a number.

I no longer enjoy meals, at least not until I've calculated "the number."
Snacks, treats, Starbucks, everything is a number, not a treat.

Tonight, I was sort of enjoying a favorite seasonal specialty from Trader Joes.  Sort of, because after I ate through my allotted "number" for the meal, I kept eating.  And at some point, I realized that I wasn't enjoying the treat anymore.  I was instead trying to get to a bigger number.

See, I've been slipping in and out of goal lately.  Some days I easily meet my daily intake goal (the number that drives my day) and others, I struggle.  Today was one of those struggle days, so I was determined to find a way to get the number to a more respectable place.

So I ate.  I ate what used to taste good.  I ate what used to be a favorite treat.  But tonight, it became just a number.

Just a number.
That's what food has become to me.  The thing that is supposed to nourish me, feed my body, my brain........ it's been relegated to a simply complicated number.

At least, I suppose, while food is a number, I'm fighting myself to keep the number healthy.

444

You know me, not gonna miss a chance to play with numbers!  

(All positive number play, this time!)

So this is my 444th post.  That's four hundred forty-fourth.  That's a lot of posts.  

And that's a very cool number.  444.

In those 444 posts, there have been a lot, and I mean a lot of topics covered.  

Here's a sampling of them to celebrate 444:

New friends, long time friends, and visitors who will hopefully become friends, 

thank you for reading 444 posts.  Here's to 444 more!

Close Encounters of the Numerical Kind

A few weeks ago, I had an unfortunate run in with that dumb box of springs. 

It wasn't pretty.

The result of that skirmish?  One big mixed up ball of mush.
Also known as my brain.

I started this post way back in April, believe it or not.  And while I'm still plugging along, working to meet my daily calorie goal, trying to incorporate more protein and all the other stuff I'm supposed to eat, the run in back in April is still in my consciousness.

I've not changed my actions or behaviors.  I'm still doing what I need to do to walk this recovery road.  Still working to meet my recommended nutritional needs.  Still following my team's guidance.  Yet, my thoughts are haunted by the number I saw.  The number, which hasn't changed much in nearly six months, is a number that is likely going to be mine for a while.

According to my team, it's a healthy number.  It's a natural number for my body.  It's where I have safely, and with healthy-ness, settled.

I get all that.

But I still don't like the number.  I still wish it was smaller.

And more than that, I really, really wish I didn't care one bit about the number at all.  I wish that having a strong and healthy body was good enough for my mixed up brain.

Twelve. Twelve. Twelve.

If you know me, you know I love numbers!  So of course, I'd not pass up the chance to for another numerical celebration!

Today is actually the last "triple" date of my lifetime, heck, of the next century!

Twelfth month.
Twelfth day.
Twelfth year.

We recently had ten. eleven. twelve.
And before that we had eleven. eleven. eleven.

Funny enough, a few of the students that I had last year asked if I would be doing another writing celebration for today's date.  Honestly, I'd like to, but we'll see if I can pull something together before days end that we can actually do!  I'll keep you posted.

For now, enjoy twelve. twelve. twelve!

Ten. Eleven. Twelve.

I can't resist a chance to bring a little mathematical logic into the blog-o-sphere, and today is one of those mathematically magical days that will only come around two more times in my lifetime.

Image from heodeza.blogspot.com

Today is October 11, 2012.
That makes today 10/11/12.

Now, with my fascination with numbers, I wanted to post on 10/11/12 at 13:14:15, but I kinda forgot.  But just because I forgot at that moment, didn't mean I was going to let this day escape without at least a little acknowledgement.

And you know what?  Today was a pretty good day.  I had an *awesome* therapy session, one where I left actually smiling instead of with a wad of tissue, blotchy eyes, and a runny nose (which happens more often than not.)  No matter how my therapy goes, I am always grateful for my therapist, who puts up with my incessant need to re-hash topics over and over and over until they get through my thick skull.

I'm one lucky person in the grand scheme of things, because even on my worst days, I know my team will be there to pick me up when I need them.  And on the better days, like today, which are still few and far between, I can record these moments so as to remember them on days when my team IS picking me up off the floor....

Happy 10/11/12!  See you on 11/12/13!

Numbers: Take 2

I saw a number today that I didn't like.  

I didn't like it at all.

A few months ago, I saw this same number (it was slightly different at the time) but the way in which I saw it didn't upset me, at least not much, and definitely not enough for me to blog about it like I did the first time I saw the number back in February (which I wrote about here.)  Today, though, I had a similar reaction to the February situation.  The number sent me through the roof, evoking an all out internal war.

I try... I have been trying, not to think about that number at all.  I've definitely been trying not to give it any more power over me.  Some days are more successful than others, but over the past five or six weeks, I have been rather successful in not letting that number take up residence in my thoughts.

Until today.

Today, at the doctor's office, the nurse was careless.  Today, the nurse seemed to be somewhat unaware of my situation (I say somewhat because she did know enough to have me get in a gown first, but she did so with not all that much tact - ok, with no tact - whatsoever.)  Today, I was so unprepared for this situation to arise, especially considering it's a monthly appointment with this same doctor, whom I really like, and the same routine happens every time, that it really stunned me, and quite frankly, really upset me, too.

Sometimes things work out in for the best, even if it wasn't planned that way.  I left this appointment a complete wreck, fighting tears, determined to "fix" things in regards to the number, no matter what the cost.  I had to head to another appointment from there, so I tried not to get too worked up before heading in to that one.  This appointment, though, was a gift.  I was able to let go of the number, let go of the whole situation, and look at it through a different lens.  By the time I left appointment number three (I had one other in the morning, uneventful and not worth mentioning) I felt calm, contained, and much more able to positively move forward without inflicting any damage on my already over-taxed body and mind.  Thank g-d for my amazing therapist!  Thank g-d for small miracles!

Now, the challenge is to continue on the course in which I was prior to seeing that number this afternoon.  Can I do it?  I'm not sure, but I'll sure be giving it a try!

The Power of Sleep

It is amazing how important sleep is.  I know that my body needs 7-8 hours of sleep every night.  I'm an absolute mess if I get less than that multiple days in a row.  It's kind of ironic, though, that the times that are most important for me to get enough sleep, like, say, when there's a big event coming up, or I have a presentation due, or something like that, are the times when I get the least amount of sleep.

This is one of those times.  I have a pretty big weekend coming up, and am going to be going pretty much non-stop for three straight days.  You'd think I'd be certain to get enough sleep!  I really planned on it, tried to, was all set-up for sleep success.... and then my computer decided to act up.  Which mean that the little project that was supposed to take a half hour, took longer.  Like 10 times longer.  Literally.  Five hours.  Five hours of work on a very simple, already done project, that just needed to be exported.

Nine.  That's the number right now.  Nine.  It's the number of hours of sleep I've gotten in the last TWO days.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I've gotten 4.5 hours of sleep for the last two nights in a row, and something is going to have to change ASAP if I'm going to stay healthy on this little sleep.

So what to do?  Can I just throw the computer out the window?  I don't know that I've ever been as frustrated with technology as I was last night.  Usually, me and my tech toys are connected at the hip, but last night.... oh was it a mess.  I actually had no choice but to give up and go to sleep, otherwise I'd have been in big trouble today.  A nap today would be nice, but I'm not sure my students would go along with the afternoon nap plan... sleeping on desks would get uncomfortable.

I'm going to go to work and try to make the day as simple as possible (and might actually play a video for my class, something I rarely do!) so that all that needs to be done can get done.  I actually don't plan on even opening my computer tonight when I get home from the festivities, instead, I'm going to go straight to bed.   That's not going to be easy, but as a good friend once said, we don't need easy, we just need possible.

Life is full of possible... I just like the possibilities a lot more when I'm well rested!

Numbers

The world is FULL of numbers.  I mean FULL.  There are numbers every where you look.  Numbers on the clock.  Numbers on the cable box.  The thermometer.  The train schedule.  The bus.  The grocery store.  Mail.  Books.  The phone.  Keyboards.  Your toothbrush.

Ev-re-where.  Everywhere!

So can anyone tell me why some numbers seem to have this eerie power over me more than others?

I never rarely cringe when I'm at the grocery store buying apples (though off season prices can be yikes!)  I like apples.  They're good for me.  So I buy them.  I grab a few (complete with the numbers on the bar code, and on the price tag) and toss them gently into my cart.  They're yummy.  Recipes are full of numbers, but those don't seem to stop me from eating.  Usually.

I sometimes cringe when I'm shopping in general, as sticker shock is pretty regular these days.  But I never rarely question prices when shopping.  I see what I need, I buy it.  Sometimes I even buy things just cause I want them.  I usually cringe when I get to the numbers at the gas station, but that's another story.  I score my students spelling tests and add a number to each one.  I attach numbers to math tests, to pages, to all sorts of things.  None of those numbers are any big deal, even though they are not taken lightly.

So why, why, does one specific number seem to throw a wrench into my whole world?  Why do I avoid that number like it's an infectious disease?  Why, when I saw that number for the first time in five months, did I have a complete internal meltdown?

If the world is full of numbers, why can I coexist peacefully with 99% of them, but one, little, three-digit number has the power to rock my world in all the wrong ways?

"Scales only have the power which we bestow upon them.

Imagine if I said my self-worth is determined by the toaster."

-- unknown

11 Things

Today is the 11th day of the 11th month of the 11th year in the century.  Kinda special day today, at least for those mathematically sentimental.  To mark the day, the Friday writing prompt for my class was to make a list of 11 things they are thankful for, telling why they are thankful for each.  It was really surprising to me how the kids struggled to get their lists going!  Many were easily able to list the basics - family, friends, pets, but after that?

The flag that waves to everyone
as they arrive at my school.

Only after our morning discussion, where we talked about the double importance of today - being not only 11/11/11, but also being Veterans Day, a day where we pause to remember and those that fought for our country... being thankful for those that protect what we are so grateful for... Well, after that discussion, it was if their brains unlocked, and I was blown away by their thoughtful thankful lists.  They, once again, showed me that there is nothing like the mind of a child - innocent, naive, yet incredibly observant.

Since I asked my students to celebrate the day with a list of 11 things, I decided to do the same.  So, in no particular order... my list.

1.  My friends.  I might not have a lot of them, but each and every one of them brightens my life.
2.  Technology.  Corny, yes, but thanks to technological wonders, I have learned much, met many, and gained an endless amount of learning that will never run out.  Nor will the joy of digital photography, carrying a computer in my pocket, connecting face to face with those thousands of miles away....
3.  My job.  I love my job.  I love what I do.  I love where I work.  I love who I work with.
4.  Life's challenges.  What doesn't kill me just makes me stronger.  Challenges also help me remember to appreciate the good "stuff" more.
5.  My family.  They've taught me a lot - some great "how to" lessons as well as many "how NOT to" lessons.
6.  Children.  There is nothing more rewarding than watching a child learn, grow, and explore their world on their journey...
7.  Mother Nature.  Her gifts are endless - from the sunrises to the clouds, from the ocean waves to the crunchy autumn leaves... She never ceases to amaze me.
8.  Chocolate.  Life is usually a little easier to handle when it's covered in chocolate.
9.  Peace.  No explanation needed.
10.  Books.  Whether on a kindle or an iPad, or (my personal preference) a good old fashioned page turner, books, like the internet, have opened my eyes to a world of possibilities.  With books in my life, I am never, ever bored.
11.  Hope.  It is because of the hope for a better tomorrow that I often keep going...

"We often take for granted the very things that 

most deserve our gratitude." -- Cynthia Ozick