Sunday, November 4, 2012

Insecurities

I am who I am.  Lots of people, surprisingly, seem to like me, too.  Unfortunately, I'm not one of them.  I am not my biggest fan.  In fact, I'm not even in line to become a fan at all.  People in my field see me as knowledgeable, compassionate, innovative, outgoing.... The list could go on for a while, but then I'd be too ill to finish this post.

Because I struggle to see past my insecurities, most of which are body image related.  Yep, I said it.  Body image.  Something I generally try very hard to avoid talking about.  In fact, I haven't broached the subject in more than six months.  It's that hard for me to think about.

But it's time to open that door up a little bit, and peek inside the darkness of the room in which all my body fears reside.  It is not going to be fun.  But I'm told it's a necessity.  I have found myself stuck in the painful place of wanting to listen to what others say about my abilities, but being pulled down by my self-perceptions instead.  Unable to accept compliments about my skills because after all, how could someone as [gulp] ugly as me be good at anything?

The truth is (and I'm quoting from others here) that I am quite good at what I do.  I am "knowledgeable and compassionate and innovative when it comes to education.  The things [my] students are doing and learning is pretty spectacular."  It makes me ill to hear that, even though a part of me knows it's true.  I chalk it all up to the fact that while most people were out and about, developing social skills and building relationships, I was hiding inside, escaping from the world.  The benefit from the time I spent alone is the fact that during that time was/is when I explore new tools that eventually become the norm.

That's the thing.  I feel like what I do with my class is the norm, and it's always shocking to hear that it isn't.  I am stuck behind the fact that I don't think it's possible for someone like me (read: ugly, insecure, self-conscious, socially awkward, highly sensitive, easily distracted, and so annoying) to be innovative.  To be excellent at anything.

So here I am......  Trying to accept that I may have admirable traits and skills. Trying to swallow the fact that others seem to be able to see past my appearance, and see the whole picture.  Trying to pull out the knife that I plunged into my own heart so long ago.... and trying to let myself be seen, just a little, just for a few minutes, so that maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to hear what my team (and a lot of others) is telling me, instead of listening to my vicious inner voice.

8 comments:

  1. I've been there. And I know that the journey you're embarking on is a hard one. But keep going. Step, by step, by step. The person you will become (who is the person you already are) is well worth meeting, when you're ready to. Good luck :-)

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    1. Thanks for the encouragement. It's a very interesting paradox - I know I'm a good teacher, but I seem to leave that mentality in the classroom, and outside of the four walls of the school? I'm anything but good. I'm hanging onto your words here, and hope to meet "me" sooner than later!

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  2. I hope you not only hear what your team mate and others are saying to you--but that you take it to heart.
    Cheers, Jenn
    http://www.wine-n-chat.com

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    1. From your mouth... I'm trying Jenn, it's a huge struggle, but I'm trying. Trying to find the balance between accepting my strengths without going into ego-territory, so instead, I stay as far away from there as possible!

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  3. I know what you are going through. I struggle with it everyday as well. I am not as brave about talking about it, and I found your words to be comforting and helpful. Your post on fairy tales and inner dragons was wonderful!

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    1. Thanks for your empathy rennata, though I am sorry that you're struggling with it too. It always helps to know I'm not alone in my battle, I just wish that there were less people experiencing the pain we are going through! Thanks for the comment on inner dragons, and thanks for stopping by!

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  4. "But it's time to open that door up a little bit, and peek inside the darkness of the room in which all my body fears reside." Your bravery is inspiring and hopefully you can help other women struggling with body acceptance. The first step is opening that door!

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    1. Thanks for your encouragement Denise! If I can help inspire one person, than this blog is worth maintaining. I find that I often post about what I need to be reminded of, and comments from people like you help me keep moving forward along the rocky road. Thanks for stopping by!

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So? What do you think?