Week 15: Higher Power?

I'll admit it.  I struggle with the concept of a "higher power" of any kind.

Don't get me wrong, I know that there is definitely magic out there.  I mean, what makes the seasons change?  How is it possible that no matter what happens, the sun always rises, no matter how rough the previous day was?  No matter how long and cold winter is, summer always comes.  No matter how hard it rains, it always stops.  The trees always bud in the spring, the flowers always bloom, the grass always turns green (sometimes 
after a bit of time in the shades of brown!) and the sky is always a beautiful blue at least a few months out of the year.  (On that same note, though, somehow kids end up sick with cancer, disease takes the youngest, the nicest, the hardest working, good things happen to bad people...)

And something makes that change happen.  Each and every change.  It really makes you think...

Some people call it a higher power, some people call it Allah, or Adoni, or Brhama or Vishnu or any number of names.  Some people believe that higher power comes from one, some people believe it comes from many, and believe it or not, some people believe that it comes from their coffee cup.

I guess for me, it doesn't matter what anyone else believes in, it doesn't even matter what I believe in.  It just matters that there is something for everyone.  It just matters that you believe... however you need to, whatever form it takes...

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day Challenge

I'm going to try something new this month!

One of my favorite bloggers has partnered with Hungry for Change to create a June Blogger Challenge!  This isn't your typical challenge, instead, the daily prompt is a single word.  Here's Arielle's page outlining the challenge, for anyone who would like to participate.  I'm going to give it a try.... and see how it goes!

Week 14: Gratitude

grat·i·tude  [grat-i-tood] - noun - the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful: He expressed his gratitude to everyone on the staff.

I have a lot to be grateful for these days.  Yes, there are a lot of things that suck.  Big time.  But if I can get myself out of the tailspin in which I seem to be spending much of my time, and if I can get myself to pause, and take a deep breath... yes, I do have a lot to be grateful for.

I can walk, I can run, I can sit in the sun

I can laugh, I can smile, I have fun once in a while

I love my job, I love to teach, My class knows nothing is out of reach

I can think, I can write, The future does look rather bright

I can talk, I can cry, I can not tell a lie

I can learn, I can grow, I can share all that I know.

I have a house, in which I live

and lots of love that I freely give

I have sweet friends who care about me

They share their love, and help me see

The world is full, of love, of hate

Of peace, of beauty, it's never to late

To take time out, and thank those who care

Those who dream, and those who dare

When I think of things, that I haven't got

I pause to remember, I'm grateful for a lot!

Perspective

I had a major attitude adjustment last week.  It was very much needed.

In a short, 15 minute conversation, I was relieved of months of anxiety involving a specific situation that had taken over a large chunk of real estate in my brain.  After month 5 of that same situation coming up over and over, it seemed to have purchased the property.

Amazingly, things quickly shifted when the *right* words registered in my brain.  A new landlord came and kicked out the previous owner, and finally, finally left a little room for calm space to reside.  It really was a 15 minute conversation (one that has happened no less than a dozen times over the past 5 months,) so it wasn't anything I hadn't already heard, but this time, I listened differently.  I heard the same words, but they didn't land in the same place.

When it comes to me, I tend to see things from a very narrow perspective, one that gets even narrower when it comes to my thoughts.  Ironically, I'm incredibly good at helping my students see multiple sides to any situation or story.  I just can't see it myself, at least not without help.

I'm good at taking the blame for anything and everything that goes wrong.  I mean, it has to be my fault, it has been my whole life, so why would now be any different?  In many cases (ok, 97% of them,) I still take the blame, but now, in this situation?  I don't.  And while this is a situation likely to arise again and again, next time it happens, it won't be renting space in my brain for long.

Oh, and while I'm great at taking the blame for anything and everything?  When it comes to taking credit for the good stuff?  Yeah.  I can't do that.  But that's a whole different post!

Wonderland

While I loved the Disney version of Alice in Wonderland, as well as the books, I have to admit, I wasn't able to get through much of the latest version (even though I do like Johnny Depp!)

What made this quote stand out to me though, is the concept of falling down.  I have done a lot of falling down in my life.  A lot.  We all have.  Think about when you learned to walk, or ride a bike... falling was par for the course!  It never stopped you from walking or biking though.

So why, as an adult, when I fall, do I feel so defeated?  Where did I lose that sense of purpose, of adventure... where did I drop the zest for newness, the thrill of accomplishing what felt impossible only moments before?  When did I become so fearful of trying?  So afraid to live?

My wonderland is still out there, I know it is.  It's possible I'm actually living in my wonderland right now, but I'm stuck in that dark hole, and just haven't yet reached the light.

A Little Sunshine

In case you haven't noticed, I've been in a crabby place lately.  (That's ok, it took me a while to realize it too!)  I am going to try a self-imposed attitude adjustment.  I can't guarantee how well it will work, but it's worth a try.  With that in mind... here's a bit of a sunnier quote to start the week.

They Paved Paradise

You don't know what you've got till it's gone.

Nine simple words.  A million complex feelings.

The hardest part is when you get an emotional punch in the stomach that knocks the wind out of you for a little while.  While gasping for air, the overwhelming sense of longing weighs you down, pinning you to the spot until the moment(s) pass and you can breathe normally.

Often, for quite a while after, my heart aches.  In those few moments, all I want is whoever it is I'm missing.  Just for a few minutes... I know it won't fix things, but in that moment?  It's all I want.  Doesn't matter how many times I revisit old emails or notes or pictures or whatever.  Sometimes that makes the ache worse, not better. 

I guess the good news is that now I know what it's like to have people around you worth missing.  I guess I didn't have that very often, so I never realized how painful it can feel to miss someone.  Supposedly, this is a good thing.  (Jury's still out.)  Good or bad, I'm chalking it all up to another learning experience during this journey called life.  I guess it's a good thing I like to learn...

(In case you don't get it the title, click here.)

Surfing

Have you ever been surfing?  I have.  It's a lot of work, but it is so much fun!  I learned to surf several years ago, and while I will not post pictures of the embarrassing but fun experience, I will tell you this: I learned a lot more about life from surfing than I expected.

For example... You can't force the waves to come.  You have to sit patiently and wait.  When you see *the* wave, the one you want to ride, you have to do something.  You can't just sit there.  You have to actively seek the wave you wish to ride on the wave's time, not yours.  You can't control the ocean, instead, you need to go with the flow.

How the hell am I ever going to learn to surf feelings if the waves never slow down?  I mean, it's as if the ocean of my life has been under a severe storm warning for the last three months, and just when you think one round of storms pass, and the ocean settles down, here comes the next storm.  The rain, the tears, they are overwhelming...

Choosing which one to surf... now that's a funny thought, considering me trying to make a choice these days is like trying to catch the big one while your surf board is on the beach.  I'm trying to keep one thing in mind... some of the roughest waves, once caught, make for the best rides to shore...

Vacation?

Have you ever felt like that before?  Like you want to leave the world behind for a little while, including yourself?

I'm ready.  I'm ready to leave my self, my life, my world- all of it, behind.  Just for a little while.

Life has been so exhausting these last few weeks.  Logically, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and the tunnel won't last forever, but right now, in the thick of all this?  I'm tired of feeling the constant ache.  I'm tired of feeling lost and logic isn't helping.

There's way too much good in my life, in my world, for me to feel this down.  That makes it all the more frustrating.  I DO see the good in my world, all the happiness and positive things that are there... I'm just at a place where the rest of the stuff, the not-so-good stuff, is overriding the good.  My generally optimistic attitude is being clouded by pessimism. Not a big fan of this "half-empty" thinking.  I just don't have the energy to change it right now.

I gotta change that.  And soon.

Shocking. Not.

This about sums it up.  I know that shit happens.  I know what to expect from whom.  I've been around long enough to know that people are really rather reliable, oftentimes we just wish their reliability was of the dependable type....

Guess that when I'm not feeling myself (aka, recovering from relatively major surgery) I put myself in that uncomfortable position of letting myself down.  Even though I know people haven't changed, I let them in just a little bit (even though EVERY bone in my body is screaming NOOOOOO!) and expect a different outcome.

Nope.  Fail.  My bad. 

Where's the reset button when you need it?

Just Do It.

There are so many things in life that I think kinda suck.  Ok, really suck.  I don't enjoy these things, I don't look forward to these things, and I avoid them at all costs.

But sometimes...

You just gotta do it.

Or at least that's what I've been told.  And that's what I'm trying to do.

For example... Tomorrow, I'm having surgery.  I have to do some stuff to prepare for the surgery that I really don't want to do.  At All.  Like, kicking-and-screaming-pounding-fists-on-the-floor temper tantrum.

But I've just gotta do it.  I don't have a choice.

It seems that there are a lot of things in life that I have to do, whether I like them or not.  Some are more digestible than others, but in any case, I've just got to move forward and get things done.

So that's what I'm doing.  I'm putting on my grown-up underoos and just getting things done.

(and it's actually kind of terrifying, but I'm doing it anyway!)

I'm hopeful that the more I push through and get these kinds of things done, the less scary, anxiety inducing, and challenging they will be.  Will I ever love going to the dentist for my cleanings?  Probably not.  But I can now at least go get my cleanings done without needing massive doses of Xanax first.

Practice... right?

61 days left...