Insecurities

I am who I am.  Lots of people, surprisingly, seem to like me, too.  Unfortunately, I'm not one of them.  I am not my biggest fan.  In fact, I'm not even in line to become a fan at all.  People in my field see me as knowledgeable, compassionate, innovative, outgoing.... The list could go on for a while, but then I'd be too ill to finish this post.

Because I struggle to see past my insecurities, most of which are body image related.  Yep, I said it.  Body image.  Something I generally try very hard to avoid talking about.  In fact, I haven't broached the subject in more than six months.  It's that hard for me to think about.

But it's time to open that door up a little bit, and peek inside the darkness of the room in which all my body fears reside.  It is not going to be fun.  But I'm told it's a necessity.  I have found myself stuck in the painful place of wanting to listen to what others say about my abilities, but being pulled down by my self-perceptions instead.  Unable to accept compliments about my skills because after all, how could someone as [gulp] ugly as me be good at anything?

The truth is (and I'm quoting from others here) that I am quite good at what I do.  I am "knowledgeable and compassionate and innovative when it comes to education.  The things [my] students are doing and learning is pretty spectacular."  It makes me ill to hear that, even though a part of me knows it's true.  I chalk it all up to the fact that while most people were out and about, developing social skills and building relationships, I was hiding inside, escaping from the world.  The benefit from the time I spent alone is the fact that during that time was/is when I explore new tools that eventually become the norm.

That's the thing.  I feel like what I do with my class is the norm, and it's always shocking to hear that it isn't.  I am stuck behind the fact that I don't think it's possible for someone like me (read: ugly, insecure, self-conscious, socially awkward, highly sensitive, easily distracted, and so annoying) to be innovative.  To be excellent at anything.

So here I am......  Trying to accept that I may have admirable traits and skills. Trying to swallow the fact that others seem to be able to see past my appearance, and see the whole picture.  Trying to pull out the knife that I plunged into my own heart so long ago.... and trying to let myself be seen, just a little, just for a few minutes, so that maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to hear what my team (and a lot of others) is telling me, instead of listening to my vicious inner voice.