365 Days of Giving Thanks

Day 219 - Thursday 6/27/13 - Thankful for good results from my labs.  It's always reassuring to know that nothing new has cropped up!

Day 218 - Wednesday 6/26/13 - Very appreciative of spontaneous dinners with my BFF.  Especially when the conversation is as great as it was tonight.

Day 217 - Tuesday 6/25/13 - Love my doctor.  Seriously.  Love that she checked in on me this evening to see how things are going with this nasty virus.  Truly the best doctor ever, and I'm very lucky that she's my doctor!

Day 216 - Monday 6/24/13 - SO thankful that my doctor had an opening today - so much better than waiting till the end of the week!

Day 215 - Sunday 6/23/13 - Appreciative of the delicious goodies I got from the Farmer's Market this morning!

Day 214 - Saturday 6/22/13 -Thankful for air conditioning.  My body needs it, even though my bank account loathes it.

Day 213 - Friday 6/21/13 - Thankful that my brother and sister-in-law have such a lovely home for us to enjoy a family dinner outside!  Perfect "neutral" territory to be with family.

The Cupcake Queen Bites Back!

Now that summer is here, I've finally found that I have time to read!  And the first book of summer is one that I have to share.  It's called The Cupcake Queen Bites Back and it's written by my bloggy buddy Jackie Tanner who authors the blog Confessions of a Cupcake Queen.

Jackie sent me a copy of her book a few months back, and it's been sitting on my nightstand ever since, calling my name on a fairly regular basis, so I was eager to dive in and finally read it!  It was worth the wait!  A very quick read, Jackie keeps the reader engaged with short chapters sprinkled with poems of all sorts, as she shares her journey through an eating disorder and into recovery.

One of the poems that grabbed me is called You still here?  In it, Jackie speaks of being pulled down, sucked under, yet, reaching out with the hope that help will be there.  I like the simplicity and clarity of the hope that speaks from these words.  Pay particular attention to the passage called Life Is For Embracing.  It starts with a very true quote "you're here for a good time, not a long time," which kinda made me think.  A lot.

I leave you with one last gem from the book - Inner Beauty.  You are, inside and out, far more beautiful than you think.  And you very well may want to go and read this book!

New Blog Challenge!

Yeah!  I finally found another challenge that looks to be right up my alley!  Don't get me wrong, it isn't going to be all fun and roses, but it looks to be one that will definitely make me think, and hopefully, help me grow.

I found the challenge through my bloggy-buddy Amanda over at Therapy Addict.  She participated in it when it began.... which considering the challenge is called Blog Every Day in May, well, you know when she started it!  I was thinking of tackling the challenge in June, but it doesn't have 31 days.  So July it is, and I'm hope, hope, hoping that I'm up for the challenge of daily blogging.  Haven't done that since November's NaBloPoMo! 

With summer in full swing, I need the focus, something to guide my writing, and I'm looking forward to the journey.  If you'd like to follow along, please do so!  All the prompts are listed on the Blog Every Day link, and check out Amanda's prompts on the Therapy Addict blog.  If you're feeling really brave, feel free to join in the challenge!

Cautiously Optimistic

This is a term my therapist has used in the past, and I think I'm finally starting to understand it.  To me, it feels like cautiously optimistic is the balance that I lack - the balance between fear and possibility.  And boy, do I lack that balance for sure!  I live in the fear district, and occasionally visit the possibility district.  I rarely, if ever, visit the balanced district though, which is ultimately where I'd like to reside.

Fear.  It's a strange thing for me.  I know it's got to be part of how I was raised - the oldest kid, a girl, very, very sheltered and overly protected (read: controlled) by my parents.  I was raised to be scared of the world.  Something as simple as trick-or-treating with friends was a no-no, cause what if something happened?  My parents wouldn't be there to "help" me.  When I got my license and was driving, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere after dark.  It wasn't safe for a girl to be out and about at night.

Hello?  Seriously?!?  I grew up in a suburban mecca of safety - streetlights, super security, friendly neighbors and stores....... yet, I was trained to be scared of what could happen.  Funny thing is, my siblings were not gifted with this curse.  They traveled freely wherever and whenever.  That meant they could head out after dark- heck, they could head out after midnight, and often did!  They are literally world travelers, and have been since high school.  Me?  I'm a nice, predictable, homebody.  To a fault.  To the point where I'm still afraid to go out at night sometimes, cause those old tracks start playing, and they trigger my fears, sending me right back inside with The Pup.

So where does cautiously optimistic come into play?  It means that fear is healthy, to a degree.  It keeps me cautious, and therefore safe.  Optimism is the key balance though, as it's time to try and let go of the old fear that the world is unsafe, and instead trust that there is more good than bad out there........ Balance.  Always looking for that balance........

Meet The Robinsons

Have you seen the movie Meet The Robinsons?  It's one of, if not my favorite Disney movie.  It's one of those movies that if I see it is on, I flip to it just to have it playing in the background, and then end up watching much of it!

The other day, I hit the couch after a very intense therapy session, and flipped on the television.  What was on?  Yup!  Meet The Robinsons!  It was the tail end of the movie, and the perfect way to decompress.

(Click HERE for the lyrics)

While I've seen the movie in it's entirety at least a half dozen times (I show it nearly every year in the classroom) I've never truly heard the song that plays at the end.  And this time, after the intensity of therapy, I heard it.

Don't know if it's cause of where I was in the moment, or if I finally listened to the lyrics, or what, but wow.  I heard it like I've never heard it before.  And I cried.  Oh...... how I cried.

Excuses

School ended last week, and I celebrated by getting really sick.  Not by choice, mind you.  The timing was uncanny though, school got out Friday, I got sick Saturday night, spent the next 48 hours in the commode, visited the ER, and then spent the next 48 hours laying low and praying food would stay in.  Thank goodness school was out, cause it would have sucked to miss that last week!

On the plus side, mentally, this bug didn't beat me.  Not one bit.  I was surprisingly upbeat and cheery despite the fact that I now know how many tiles are in my bathroom floor.  Except.....

My ex-bff is trying really hard to work his way back into my life.  We haven't spoken in a while, which has been really nice.  But when this bug hit me, he was right there next to me, offering comfort and companionship.

And I've been buying it.  Sort of.  I've been (sort of) using this as an excuse to not eat.  By sort of, I mean that for 48 hours I didn't eat.  I was too sick.  The next 48 hours I really couldn't eat.  Believe me, I tried, but my stomach rejected everything but crackers and bananas.

It's been day one of actual eating, and I'm on a very bland diet..... and he is loving it.  I looked in the mirror this morning and have visibly lost weight over the last 5 days.  It made me smile, looking in the mirror and seeing the smaller body staring back at me.  Even though I know it's so not a good thing..... being happy about losing weight from being sick....

I'm giving myself the week.  That's it.  I've been exhausted and weak, and in no mood to argue with him.  I know that this is a blip in the path.  I know that while I may be enjoying his visit at the moment.... I know he's the worst influence on me, and he views my health completely differently than my team and I do.  A week.  Then it's back to the meal plan.

At least that's my plan.

365 Days of Giving Thanks

Day 212 - Thursday 6/20/13 - So so so so so so so so so so so so thankful for my therapist in so so so so many ways......

Day 211 - Wednesday 6/19/13 -Finally!  It was nice to be able to eat a meal - first one that stayed in since Sunday!

Day 210 - Tuesday 6/18/13 - So glad The Pup has learned to sleep in!

Day 209 - Monday 6/17/13 - Grateful to my doctor..... took the edge off a nasty 36 hour bug that locked me in the house.

Day 208 - Sunday 6/16/13 - Thankful to be able to spend the morning with my dad, and to be able to treat him to the breakfast brunch he treated us to as kids!

Day 207 - Saturday 6/15/13 - Grateful to not have to set an alarm this morning!

Day 206 - Friday 6/14/13 - Thankful that the school year ended so smoothly! Best year yet!

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder?

I know that I've felt my absence on the blog.... I've not even read any blogs over the past three weeks, life has been that hectic!  And if you really want to know the truth, I haven't been in the mood to write much at all lately.  Maybe it's cause I had to do so much writing for the end of the school year.  And cause I have so many thank you notes to write in the next few days.
I'm dreading writing.  A lot.

The expression "absence makes the heart grow fonder" applies in two different ways here.  First, I'm hoping that means you've missed the blog!  Second, I was hoping since I've missed writing, it would make me want to write more!  You know, the break from writing makes me miss it and want to write even more....

Yeah.  Nope.

I'm going to set myself a summer goal to post three times a week, with one of those posts being Thankful Thursdays.  As it is summer, I know that it's supposed to be a time of fun in the sun, so I'm gonna try not to beat myself up too badly if I don't meet that goal, yet, at the same time, I'm hoping sharing the goal with you will make me more likely to meet it!

Aside from the end of the school chaos.... I do want to say, this was the best school year ever.  Ever.  Seriously.  Finally realized that what I've been told for ages is actually true: to best serve others, you must take care of yourself, first.

More on that later.

365 Days of Giving Thanks

Day 205 - Thursday 6/13/13 - Love the innocence of children - they make me smile, laugh, and even dance (though I hate to dance) because their joy is so contagious!

Day 204 - Wednesday 6/12/13 - Love how unexpected lessons are learned when I'm not trying to teach them. 

Day 203 - Tuesday 6/11/13 - Grateful for a great school year..... sad it's almost over.

Day 202 - Monday 6/10/13 - Thankful that I've finally figured out an effective way to use to-do lists - post them on the board and have my students hold me accountable!

Day 201 - Sunday 6/9/13 - Grateful that report cards only have to be completed twice a year.  Twelve hours is a lot of time to spend on paperwork that will be read in five minutes.

Day 200 - Saturday 6/8/13 - Patience is always appreciated, especially when dealing with redundancy.  Extra appreciated today, cause I didn't think I had any left when I had to deal with my family.

Day 199 - Friday 6/7/13 - Thrilled that I still have my softball arm!  60% success rate in successful dunking of students in the dunk tank!

365 Days of Giving Thanks

Day 198 - Thursday 6/6/13 - Thankful for a drama free family dinner tonight. 

Day 197 - Wednesday 6/5/13 - Feeling kind of ugh today, so it's a simple thanks for clean air to breathe.

Day 196 - Tuesday 6/4/13 - Grateful for all the parent volunteers we have at my school - they make the amazing events like field day and our school carnival possible!

Day 195 - Monday 6/3/13 - Thankful that I am not going any more insane than usual, as yes, my new med can make *that* much of a difference after only three days.

Day 194 - Sunday 6/2/13 - Appreciative of another great Sunday morning with my great friend.... I love how easy it is to just hang out together, no agenda needed!

Day 193 - Saturday 6/1/13 - Grateful that I got not one, but two great naps in today!  Much needed sleep catch-up!

Day 192 - Friday 5/31/13 - Grateful that my annual evaluation went pretty smoothly.  Even more grateful that it's over.  I lost too much sleep over it.

Close Encounters of the Numerical Kind

A few weeks ago, I had an unfortunate run in with that dumb box of springs. 

It wasn't pretty.

The result of that skirmish?  One big mixed up ball of mush.
Also known as my brain.

I started this post way back in April, believe it or not.  And while I'm still plugging along, working to meet my daily calorie goal, trying to incorporate more protein and all the other stuff I'm supposed to eat, the run in back in April is still in my consciousness.

I've not changed my actions or behaviors.  I'm still doing what I need to do to walk this recovery road.  Still working to meet my recommended nutritional needs.  Still following my team's guidance.  Yet, my thoughts are haunted by the number I saw.  The number, which hasn't changed much in nearly six months, is a number that is likely going to be mine for a while.

According to my team, it's a healthy number.  It's a natural number for my body.  It's where I have safely, and with healthy-ness, settled.

I get all that.

But I still don't like the number.  I still wish it was smaller.

And more than that, I really, really wish I didn't care one bit about the number at all.  I wish that having a strong and healthy body was good enough for my mixed up brain.

A Treat and A Lesson

On my way home from the day, I treated myself to a small fries from a local fast food restaurant (for the record, I eat fast food maybe six times a year.)  Someone at work had fries from this place for lunch today, and they looked soooo good, so I figured, it was Monday, I could splurge!
It was a simple order - a value fries.  A whole $1.26.  Quick, right?  I did get there after the dinner rush, too.  And there were only two cars ahead of me in the drive through lane.  I sat in line knowing that I was only moments away from the salty, crispy goodness entertaining my tastebuds.

Except the line took for-ev-er.  Seriously.  I was in line for 12 minutes.  That's a long time for a fast food place.  Especially when there are only two cars ahead of you.

So as I sat there, I began stewing.  I drafted a complaint letter to the company to complain about this particular franchise.  Thanks to my super smart phone, I even pulled up the corporate website and found my contact information.  It was a great way to pass the wait time.

When I finally pulled up to the pick-up window, I was beyond annoyed.  I planned on commenting to the drive through attendant, asking what was happening to make things ridiculously slow, and comment how this is unacceptable service for a fast food place.  When the attendant came to the window, I could tell that things were not hunky-dory.  The place looked to be very frazzled and short staffed.  The attendant gave me a pained smile as she asked if I had the value fries.

In that split second, I decided that my complaint wasn't worth it today.  Something bigger was happening behind the scenes at this franchise, and while a complaint to corporate may have been helpful, after a peek into the behind-the-scenes situation, it wasn't worth it.  Instead, I smiled back at her, and cheerfully replied.  As she said her pre-programmed closing, I bid her a good evening with another smile, and drove off to enjoy my fries.

Sometimes lessons arrive in the strangest of packages......

Back on the Roller Coaster

Do you like roller coasters?  I used to. I don't know if I still like them, cause I don't know if my stomach could handle it!  I'd like to think that I'd still enjoy the ride, though, especially considering it only usually lasts less than three minutes!  The last time I was on a roller coaster I actually blacked out down the first HUGE hill.  It.  Was.  Awesome!

There is one roller coaster I definitely don't like.  And it's one I've had to ride way too many times in the last few years.  Nearly every ride has resulted in mass chaos, both internal and external, and has tossed my life into the trash for a while.  Some have lasted a very long time, while others were short jaunts.  The best ones were short jaunts with a long shelf life.

It's the medication roller coaster I speak of.  And I just climbed back on.  There is good news, though!  After stopping (slowly, of course) my previous medication, my nightmares have completely vanished.  Totally and entirely gone!  It's been six months of hauntingly horrible nightmares (ironically coinciding with the beginning of a specific medication) that nearly instantly ceased within days of discontinuing that med.  I was thrilled!

The down side is that now I have to get used to a whole new medication, complete with side effects (not sure how they'll hit, if they hit at all) and all the internal crud that goes along with it.  I'm hoping that this is one of the more enjoyable roller coaster rides.  And a short lived ride, too!