Thankful Thursdays - Year 3

Day 163 - Thursday 4/30/15 - Starting off the morning with a snuggling pup is the. best. ever.

Day 162 - Wednesday 4/29/15 -  I love my doctor.  Who else would squeeze you in on their lunch hour at the very last second?  My doctor!

Day 161 - Tuesday 4/28/15 - Never realized how comfortable a couch can be during incredibly uncomfortable conversations, when the person sharing the couch with you genuinely wants to help.

Day 160 - Monday 4/27/15 - Spring?  Is that you?  Welcome back!

Day 159 - Sunday 4/26/15 - Enjoyed tea and conversation with two delightful women this morning.  Great way to kick off my Sunday!

Day 158 - Saturday 4/25/15 - Delicious dinner with my bff at an amazing restaurant.  My taste buds were happy as was my heart!

Day 157 - Friday 4/24/15 - I love putting the peanut to bed on Friday nights.  Nothing like an infant sleeping in your arms to make any day better.

Define Success

How do you define success?

Married?  Two kids?  White picket fence?  Labradoodle?  Salary?  Social circle?  Beauty?   Career?  Inner calm?  Physical fitness?

All of the above?

I thought I had a definition of success.  In my mind, you were successful when you reached the place where you were married, with two kids, a cozy home (not too big, not too small,) a lively and supportive social circle, a nest egg, a career that paid for everything, family vacations, a good education, and health.  One parent was always available for the kids, either due to job flexibility or being a stay at home parent.

Over time, my definition shrunk.  You were considered successful if you were married and had a family, with a nice little house and a few family vacations or stay-cations every year.  Ideally, someone was always available for the kids, and there was a stay at home parent until the kids reached school age.

From there, it further shrunk to involve a partner and a family with a supportive social circle, a safe home, and a healthy community.

All of my definitions of success involve having a family.

And here I am, in my late 30s, without one.  Single as a sliver. 

So if you ask me if I'd consider myself a success, I'd quickly reply with a definitive no.

Until tonight.

Success.  I have a great job, career, actually, that I love.  There is limitless room for growth and expansion in this career.  I am recognized as an expert in my area (which still makes me very, very uncomfortable.)  I have financial independence and security that I built for myself.  I have a home that is just right for me (even though I now want different) and in a safe area where I feel comfortable.  And despite all my health challenges of the past, I'm on a forward moving road to neutralizing my health overall, thanks to the most incredible support team in the world.

Success.  Family is not mentioned above.  Yeah, I have my brother and his wife and the peanut, whom I adore.  I get to be an aunt and enjoy the love that comes with that.  But I have no partner.  I share my house (still not quite a home) with the Pup and an aloe plant.  And I've kept that aloe plant alive for nearly three years.  Success.

Not quite what I pictured when I pictured success, but for now..... I'm working on changing my image of it.  Re-framing success, if you will.

How do you define success?

That's Me!

Yep.  That's me.  Hypersensitive.  Oversensitive.  Emotionally excessive.  Call it what you want.  

Just make sure that from now on, you call me an Empathetic Badass.

Thankful Thursday - Year 3

Day 156 - Thursday 4/23/15 - Super happy to have the chance to get a fresh start at just about everything in life.  Now, my goal is to make the best of this..... how do I do that....?

Day 155 - Wednesday 4/22/15 - Haven't thrown this one out in a while..... but today I'm feeling especially thankful for my therapist.  As I move through a massive transition, her support continues to be invaluable.

Day 154 - Tuesday 4/21/15 - Realizing that it is possible to sit with a feeling and not die.

Day 153 - Monday 4/20/15 - Finished conferences.  Technically, finished my last conference for a long, long time, if not forever.  Ended it on a very, very good note.

Day 152 - Sunday 4/19/15 - Sleep.  Loved spending most of my day sleeping........ much needed catch-up!

Day 151 - Saturday 4/18/15 - Wonderful morning with colleagues and wonderful evening with friends.  Together, with a nap, they made for a pretty nice Saturday!

Day 150 - Friday 4/17/15 -  Got chewed out by a parent today during conferences.  Didn't take it personally.  Not one drop of it.  Go me!

Construction Time

"I hope you are beginning to crack some of the windows in the house you built around you to allow some great things in, and perhaps, to allow some not so good thoughts to escape."

My dietitian said this to me the other day in my email check in.  She's so good it sometimes frightens me.  It's as if she knows what is going through my head, the fears, the justifications, the cover ups..... She sees it without my saying or doing anything.

And she's right.  I keep things shut up tightly so that nothing escapes.  I don't want to "poison" anyone with the toxic thoughts that permeate my mind when it comes to who I am.   The problem with keeping things shut up so tightly is that while I'm keeping all the not so good stuff in, so as not to spread the toxicity, I'm not allowing the good stuff to come in, either.  In essence, I'm perpetuating a fairly dangerous cycle - surrounding myself only with toxic air, and not allowing any fresh air to enter and replace the toxins with clean, breathable space.

I'm the one holding myself hostage in the dungeon.  I'm in the cell, but I hold the key to let myself out, too.  I've convinced myself that I'm doing it for everyone else's protection.  The truth is, I'm protecting myself.  I'm hiding myself behind the walls to keep out the potential pain.  Now I realize that I'm the one inflicting it upon myself, and until I let myself out?  That torture will continue.

My treatment team have been working their way over my walls for years.  Maybe it's time to start breaking the walls apart, and make it easier to let the fresh air into my life....

Thankful Thursdays - Year 3

Day 149 - Thursday 4/16/15 -  Received some reassurance from an unexpected place today.  Needed that.

Day 148 - Wednesday 4/15/15 - Took the chance of a lifetime today.  Let the adventure begin......

Day 147 - Tuesday 4/14/15 - I.  Stood.  Up.  For.  Myself.  I spoke up and made sure that I was taking care to ensure I would come out ok in the end.  And it worked.

Day 146 - Monday 4/13/15 - Enjoyed the first day back after spring break - the class was in a fun mood and we actually got EVERYthing done on our agenda, which is rare!

Day 145 - Sunday 4/12/15 - Never realized how satisfying it is to see a drawer full of clean socks and another full of clean underwear.  Clean laundry accomplished!

Day 144 - Saturday 4/11/15 - Though this might sound strange, I'm really rediscovering my love of writing......

Day 143 - Friday 4/10/15 - Got caught up on my schoolwork that has been staring at me all week.  Feels good to be done and caught up!