Monday, April 20, 2015

Construction Time

"I hope you are beginning to crack some of the windows in the house you built around you to allow some great things in, and perhaps, to allow some not so good thoughts to escape."

My dietitian said this to me the other day in my email check in.  She's so good it sometimes frightens me.  It's as if she knows what is going through my head, the fears, the justifications, the cover ups..... She sees it without my saying or doing anything.

And she's right.  I keep things shut up tightly so that nothing escapes.  I don't want to "poison" anyone with the toxic thoughts that permeate my mind when it comes to who I am.   The problem with keeping things shut up so tightly is that while I'm keeping all the not so good stuff in, so as not to spread the toxicity, I'm not allowing the good stuff to come in, either.  In essence, I'm perpetuating a fairly dangerous cycle - surrounding myself only with toxic air, and not allowing any fresh air to enter and replace the toxins with clean, breathable space.

I'm the one holding myself hostage in the dungeon.  I'm in the cell, but I hold the key to let myself out, too.  I've convinced myself that I'm doing it for everyone else's protection.  The truth is, I'm protecting myself.  I'm hiding myself behind the walls to keep out the potential pain.  Now I realize that I'm the one inflicting it upon myself, and until I let myself out?  That torture will continue.

My treatment team have been working their way over my walls for years.  Maybe it's time to start breaking the walls apart, and make it easier to let the fresh air into my life....

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