Prayers for Paris

Rules

I like rules.

I like following them.
(Hello, eating disorder.)

Or, at least I like following them when they do what I want them to do.

Which is keep me safe.

"Don't go out after dark if you're alone!"

That was one of my parents favorite rules growing up.

"Never say no if someone asks for help."

That was another rule they had.

"Always be helpful to others, no matter what the cost."

"Family first, even if it's not appropriate."

"Taking time for yourself is selfish, spend time with family instead."

My parents had so many rules.

And I've internalized them as my own.

Despite the fact that I've been living independent of my parents for more than ten years, their rules still haunt me.  They scared me into believing the world is a bad place, full of cruel people who you can't trust, or they might hurt you.

I'm tired of those rules.

I'm so very tired of them.

If I keep following "their" rules, I know I'll never be able to be truly at peace with myself.

If I keep following "their" rules, I will not be able to let myself be happy.

If I keep following "their" rules, I will live the rest of my life in fear.

How to get over the fear of "breaking" the rules my parents ingrained in me?

Suck it up and do it anyway.

Go shopping after dark.

Drive through the city that is scary.

Make the phone call that I'm afraid of making.

Suck it up and face the fear.

Over.  And over.  And over.

The worst part about these ingrained rules?  My parents set them, but it is me who chose to keep living them, long after they were necessary.  I held on to them.  And I continue struggling to let them go.  Because of all that?  I'm truly afraid to let myself be.  I'm afraid to allow myself to get excited, to feel happiness, to take time for myself without the guilt.

It's time to change the rules.

It's time to break them.  All of them.

It's time to suck it up and do it anyway.

I wonder what it is going to feel like 

to allow myself to live without them?

To feel excited about things....... to go on adventures both near and far....... to take time to get to know myself without the guilt....... to live a life I want to be a part of.......

I may be a rule follower.......

But these rules need to be broken.

Unexpected Surprise

I had a very dreaded doctor's appointment today -- one that I made way back in September, which means I've been waiting over four months.  Not gonna lie, t was a pretty bad appointment, too.  The doctor was nice enough, but the office always stresses me out -- it's outdated, the walls need repainting desperately, the floors never look clean enough, and the staff are so not the best.....

However.

I was very pleasantly surprised when the X-ray technician called me in to her space.  Her space was SUCH a contrast to the rest of the office.  The X-ray room had inspirational quotes on the walls.  It had framed pictures of beautiful images.  There was calming classical music playing.  There were soft curtains and a beautiful wooden bench with welcoming pillows in the changing area.  There were little smiles tucked all over the space, which was not very big.

For the first time all appointment, I was able to breathe.  I didn't feel like I was holding myself, stressed, clenched muscles.  I was comfortable, calmer, and breathing. I complimented the technician on the space, and she replied that it's important to help people feel calm, and that since she spends so much time in the room, she wanted it to be a place she'd like, too.

It was a very unexpected surprise to find this little gem of a room in such an "interesting" office...............

At last!

I had a pretty cool experience yesterday.  Or, more likely the experience of yesterday, months and months in the making, did not go unnoticed.  That's a more accurate description.

You might remember that a little over a year ago, I was in complete agony over my dietitian's maternity leave.  Actually, agony doesn't quite describe it.  More like, an unbearably intolerably excruciating inner ache.  Not gonna revisit that, but you can read more if you want.

Anyway.  Back to yesterday.  As I was heading for my visit with my dietitian, it hit me that it was three weeks since I last saw her.  Three weeks.  Three, rather chaotic, exhausting, long, weeks.  Three trying, frustrating, agonizing weeks.  But those three weeks were missing one thing.

In the past, when a week went by without a visit with my dietitian, I felt a desperate sense of longing, an urgency of sorts.  I could not go without my weekly visit, my weekly hug.  When we moved into visits every other week, that same longing was there, elevated at first, and while it did subside, it never fully went away.

Until recently.

Three weeks.  A few months ago, just the idea of going three weeks between appointments would have brought about crippling anxiety.  So you'd think that upon seeing my dietitian yesterday, for the first time in three weeks, I'd have that old sense of desperation and longing hanging around my neck.

Not the case.  Yes, I am just as surprised as you are.  There was no agonizing longing, no desperate sense of need.  There was just a sense of contentment in seeing my dietitian for the first time in three, long and crazy weeks.

I believe that I've finally arrived at what the psychology world calls "secure attachment."  This type of attachment is what I feel to be the healthiest, and yet, it's one I've experienced the least.  I have to admit, I was very excited to see my dietitian yesterday, and equally excited to share with her the news - that I now finally know that she's going to always be there for me, whether it's been days, weeks, or months between our visits.

Feels pretty darn good, if you ask me.

Sketches in Stillness

I came across a new blog (by way of Facebook friends) that I have become completely smitten with.  It isn't so much a blog.... well, at least not in the sense I think of when I hear the word "blog."  It's more of an artist's blog, a sketch pad, you could say.

Anyway, I was perusing the pages and found the image here-

YogiPets Sitting - Sketches in Stillness

Love.... could it really be that simple?