365 Days of Giving Thanks - Year 2

Day 23 - Thursday 12/12/13 - Trying to accept the idea of "weird" being ok.  My therapist says it's ok, so it must be........

Day 22 - Wednesday 12/11/13 - Grateful my dietitian knows me so well.......

Day 21 - Tuesday 12/10/13 - Thankful for an early to bed night........

Day 20 - Monday 12/9/13 - Feeling lighter after voicing a concern to my therapist and hearing her reassurance.

Day 19 - Sunday 12/8/13 - Grateful for a tasty, Violet-friendly brunch this morning - I missed pancakes!

Day 18 - Saturday 12/7/13 - Thankful for the warmth of my home on this cold day.

Day 17 - Friday 12/6/13 - Glad it's Friday.  It's been a long week.

Trust

Trust.
Five letters.
Just five little letters.
Four consonants, one vowel.
A loaded word if I ever saw one.

I trust few people in this world.  Very few.  I attribute that to the fact that I have been hurt so many times by people I was supposed to be able to trust....... people who took advantage of me, who hurt me, who deceived me....... who "earned" my trust by building me up, only to abuse that trust, until I finally broke.

Now, I deal with the intense fear that the world is an unkind, unsafe place, full of untrustworthy people.  At least that's the reality I created for myself, based on my past experiences.

But it's time to change that.  It's time to start giving people the benefit of the doubt.  Now, we're not talking trusting complete strangers here.  We're talking members of my treatment team, my two BFFs, and a few colleagues here and there.... people that are deemed "safe" in my world.

Except I'm SO freaking afraid to trust.

My therapist said something that really stuck in my head.  She said that telling me not to be afraid wouldn't be helpful.  Instead, she told me that even though I'm scared, she thinks it will be worth it to push through that fear and trust this person, the newest member of my treatment team.  Trust that this person, who has given me no reason not to trust her, is trustworthy.  My therapist trusts this team member.  I trust my therapist.  I totally and completely trust my therapist.

So I guess it's time for me to try and trust this team member, too......

Eating Numbers

Anyone remember when life was simpler? 

Maybe during childhood, at least for a while, we got the taste of pure, simple, life.  A time when playing was the only thing on the agenda.  A time when getting up meant rolling out of bed and jumping into play clothes before heading out for a day of adventures of the imagination.

A time when I ate food.....
not numbers.

I was actually taken to my knees today, when it hit me.  The realization that I no longer see food as food.  I see it as a number.

I no longer enjoy meals, at least not until I've calculated "the number."
Snacks, treats, Starbucks, everything is a number, not a treat.

Tonight, I was sort of enjoying a favorite seasonal specialty from Trader Joes.  Sort of, because after I ate through my allotted "number" for the meal, I kept eating.  And at some point, I realized that I wasn't enjoying the treat anymore.  I was instead trying to get to a bigger number.

See, I've been slipping in and out of goal lately.  Some days I easily meet my daily intake goal (the number that drives my day) and others, I struggle.  Today was one of those struggle days, so I was determined to find a way to get the number to a more respectable place.

So I ate.  I ate what used to taste good.  I ate what used to be a favorite treat.  But tonight, it became just a number.

Just a number.
That's what food has become to me.  The thing that is supposed to nourish me, feed my body, my brain........ it's been relegated to a simply complicated number.

At least, I suppose, while food is a number, I'm fighting myself to keep the number healthy.

365 Days of Giving Thanks - Year 2

Day 16 - Thursday 12/5/13 - Thankful for my amazing ability to blow things out of proportion.  It's always fun when my therapist shrinks said things back into reality.

Day 15 - Wednesday 12/4/13 - Appreciate that others recognize my abilities and look to me to help them hone theirs.

Day 14 - Tuesday 12/3/13 - Thankful that I recognized when I was being treated unkind today.  I didn't do anything about it, but recognizing it is a good first step.

Day 13 - Monday 12/2/13 - Thankful that my therapist pointed out that I have, actually, started standing up for myself and did so twice alone today!  I never would have recognized it had she not pointed it out.  Small as it may be, it's progress!

Day 12 - Sunday 12/1/13 - Kinda surprised and pleased that I managed to get super detailed lesson plans written for the full-on-crazy week ahead!

Day 11 - Saturday 11/30/13 - Thankful for the unseasonably warm weather that made a nice long walk with the Pup quite pleasant!

Day 10 - Friday 11/29/13 - Grateful to finally have made time for reading, it's been so nice getting lost in the pages of books again.......

Stuck on Repeat?

So I realize this, that the thoughts in my mind (which are mostly negative when it comes to myself) are tracks I allowed others to record in my brain.  Instead of releasing them, or not believing them, I've held on to them for so long, they feel like they're my own.  Like they are thoughts that I came up with, attacks on the self.

I know I didn't create them.  I didn't record them or plant them or even initially think or speak them.  What I did do was adopt them as my own.  Accept them as my own.  And allow them to play over and over and over.

I truly do hope that I will one day (soon?) reach the place where the old record plays it's tune, but I don't even pay attention it.  Even better?  I hope to toss that old record out the window, and instead, replace it with some kind tracks on a shiny new mp3.......

I Want to Write More

I recently realized how censored I've been on the blog.  I am watching my words very carefully, and in doing so, am limiting myself and my posts.  I'm not sure why all of a sudden I recognized this, and hope to change that.

Starting now.

It's no surprise that for someone recovering from an eating disorder, the holiday season, in the states kicked off by Thanksgiving, is not an easy one to maneuver through.  Throw in there an invasive medical procedure requiring fasting and a liquid diet, and it could be a recipe for disaster. 

I'd like to say that I've staved off that disaster.  Which, I kinda sorta have, actually!  I survived the liquid diet day, I survived the morning of fasting, I survived the test, and I've actually managed to get back on the eating wagon pretty quickly!

So, I have staved off the disaster.  I was going to add an "and yet......" but I don't have one.  When it comes down to it, Yes, I got back up to near goal within days of the torture.  I survived Thanksgiving, ate well all weekend, and am pretty close to back to my required goal area.

But.

Image from Shirt Woot Derby - if you created this,
please let me know so I can give you credit!

(There's nearly always a but for me.)

While I'm doing pretty darn well getting to goal..... what I'm eating to get there is SO not the best....... it's mediocre, at best.  I guess you could say I have a very child-like palate.  I prefer peanut butter and jelly and apple sauce over Caesar salad and grilled salmon.  I prefer chocolate milk over wine.  I prefer cereal over eggs.  I prefer macaroni and cheese over risotto.

I have simple tastes.  Add in some food intolerances and a refusal to give up my vegetarianism, and, well, I make things in the "eating appropriately" department rather tricky.  My dietitian (who has the patience of a saint) has been working her @$$ off trying to figure out other sources of protein for me.  Most of which, I turn my nose up to and come up with some reason or another why I can't eat it.

Truth is, I need more protein.  I desperately need more protein.  My body needs it.  (Though, this is all coming from my team, I don't crave protein, nor do I know what my body would feel like in it's quest to obtain more protein!)  I know it's good for me.

Then again, so is writing..........