Making Plans

Conversation as of late has revolved around taking care of myself, both with my therapist and dietitian.  This whole self-care concept is tough for me.  I know I'm not alone when I say that I can't seem to put myself on the list, that doing things just for me makes me feel guilty.  That's definitely at least part of why my house is a disaster, yet my office is uber-organized.  (The other part would likely be..... laziness, of course!

In an attempt to take care of myself, and make my house a little more of, well, a kind place for me, I made plans this weekend, just for me.  I was intentional in making sure I didn't plan too unrealistically, too (cause you know I never over think or plan too big!)  I am kinda proud of the fact that I deliberately decided to provide some structure to my weekend that revolved solely around me.

The weekend list contained four tasks - two major, one required, and one purely personal.  The major tasks were bagging up the clothes and clutter I'm donating to charity, and actually dropping them off at the donation center.  The required task was some school work.  The pleasure task was reading a book (that has to be returned to the library next week.)

Except I'm thinking my body had other plans.  Cause I woke up this morning and couldn't lift my head off the pillow.  And every time I bent down I got dizzy.  Goal one and two, down the drain, at least for today.  Schoolwork and reading were left on the list.... and kinda still are waiting to be checked off.  What was slated (in my mind,) to be a productive yet relaxing weekend, flipped.  Minimal schoolwork accomplished.  No reading done.  Lots of napping.  Lots of glumness.

The voice of reason would say, "You're sick!  Don't push yourself and make things worse, rest up instead and you'll do what you can get done tomorrow!"

My voice said, "See?!  You tried to make plans and take care of yourself but it didn't work.  You know you get lazy on the weekends!  When will you give up on yourself and just let things be?!"

Reality says, "You're not feeling well.  Do what you can do that doesn't involve bending down, and see how you feel tomorrow."

I knew going into the weekend that I wasn't feeling all that great.  What I'm wondering now.... did I set myself up for failure?  Maybe?  Cause the whole weekend was me taking care of things for me..... which isn't my favorite thing to do..... so making this to-do list when I wasn't feeling great?  Looking for excuses, maybe?  That seems to be my mode of operation.  Look for any excuse to NOT take care of me and my needs or wishes.

Much to do, both inside and out......

The Perfect Day

My dietitian asked me tonight what my dream day would look like.  Dream day?  Hmmm.....

Turns out my initial response - sleeping in, yummy breakfast, nice walk with the Pup, afternoon nap, dinner - wasn't all that dreamy.  Mainly cause it was me and the Pup.  I figured it was realistic, at least.... but reality?  I didn't know what a true "dream day" would look like because I've isolated myself that much.  So it took a little thought.... and here's what I came up with.

The day would start by sleeping in late, and waking up next to my (currently non-existent) partner.  WE would then go to a little cafe or something for a delicious breakfast, lingering on the last bites of food and enjoying conversation together.  Then we'd take a nice walk at a local park or trail.  That would be followed by a nap for me, and my partner would do whatever they chose, nap or otherwise.  Together we'd prepare a yummy dinner, and end the day snuggling on the couch with popcorn and a movie.

That day sounds really quite nice.  Really nice.  Like too nice.  Too perfect.  It will involve me kicking out the mean person that lives inside my brain, kicking that part of me so far out that I have room to let people into my world..... 20 some years of (false) comfort in being alone.... never really thinking there was hope for me to be anything but alone.....  But my dietitian said it's totally possible, and that it will happen.

I trust her fully, but I don't know if I quite believe her here..... I'm gonna sure try though, cause this is a day I'd love to live through......