As if.....

A lot has happened in the last seven days.  A LOT.  I love my job, I love where I work, but this year has been a real roller coaster in terms of expectation shifts.  And in terms of good old basic respect of one another.  Recent news has required me to act as if what has been said is no bother, has no impact, and does not even enter my zone of concern.  On the inside, though, with every bit of news, a part of me feels like it's dying. 

Part of recovery has meant trying things that I am not comfortable with.  It's meant stretching out of my comfort zone on so many occasions.  It's meant doing what feels impossible.  It's meant doctor's appointments and therapy appointments and dietitian appointments that are painful as painful gets.

But nothing hurts as much as having to pretend everything is fine, even though everyone around you knows it's not.  Pretending that the announcement that was just made isn't going to cause a major recovery setback.  Pretending that you're going to be just fine, when inside, you're ready to give up, and everyone around you is watching for your reaction. 

I've gotten quite good at acting over the years, it's part of my job, and it's usually useful.  I am so appreciative that today all that practice acting paid off.

Awarded?

Well, I hate to admit it, but I'm blushing.  Larissa over at Papa is a Preacher honored My Purple Dreams with a Wonderful Team Member Readership Award!

I "met" Larissa through NaBloPoMo, and have quite enjoyed reading her blog.  I've actually met many wonderful bloggers through NaBloPoMo, and while it's sometimes tough to post every single day, I'm definitely glad I signed up for the challenge!

This recognition comes with a few requirements, and I want to get those situated before the celebrating begins!

The Rules

1. The Nominee of the Wonderful Team Member Readership Award will display the logo on his/her post/page and/or sidebar.  - Check!
 
2. Over a period of 1 week, the Nominee shall nominate a number of readers that he or she appreciates – this can be done at any rate during the week. It can be all on one day or a few on one day and a few on another day, as most convenient to the Nominee. - Check! (see below!)

3. The Nominee shall name his or her Wonderful Team Member Readership Award nominees on a post or on posts during the 7 day (1 week) period. - Congratulations bloggy friends! (all nominations have been delivered!)

Jackie @ Confessions of a Cupcake Queen
Kylie-Rose @ Rose's are Red
Attachment Girl @ Tales of a Boundary Ninja
Paula Young @ A Therapist's Thoughts
Nicole @ Riding the Wavez
Tracey @ Just As I Am

4.  The nominee shall answer the questions, all in the spirit of fun! - Check!

1) Why do you blog?
I blog because I want to make a difference.  If sharing my story - the good, the bad, the painful, the happy, all of it, helps even one person, then I'll have reached my goal.  As I know this has already happened, I continue to blog because I enjoy writing, and am enjoying meeting new people in the blog-o-sphere!

2) If you were trapped on a desert island, what book, DVD, food, cartoon character, and childhood game would you bring?
Umm..... can I say that I'd bring my iPad, a wireless hot spot, and a solar recharging station?  Then I'd have all the entertainment, books, and distractions I'd need!
Oh, that kind of answer.  Well then..... let's see......
Book: Can I have a series?  Can't pick just one book.... at least not easily.  Ok.  One book.  Every Soul a Star by Wendy Mass.  Series?  Harry Potter.
DVD: American Eats Series.  History Channel rocks.
Food: Cereal.  Cereal and chocolate.
Cartoon Character: Calvin and Hobbes - I'd never be bored!
Childhood Game: The game of Life!

3) Share a funny joke or one-liner.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.  It was tense.
:)

4) What is your favorite thing about yourself?
Tough one..... it'd have to be my ability to connect with my students and make learning meaningful for them.

5) What one word best describes you?
Thinker.  Explanation here.

6) If you could have a lifetime supply of any candy/candy bar, what would it be?
Almond m&ms.  Or peanut m&ms.  Or mounds bars.  Yeah, maybe mounds bars.

7) What fictional character do you relate to most?
Easy!  Wrote a whole post about it.  You can read it here.

8) If you were to write the story of your life, what would you call it?
Well, I already have the title picked out, and the blog site reserved..... so let's just keep that between me and my therapist for right now, k?

Acts of Kindness

I've been having a really bad week.  Actually, it's been more like a really month.  Things are not going my way at all lately.  In fact, things are not even headed in my direction whatsoever these days.  And I've been working very hard to keep my crabbiness from seeping out.

Today, an excruciatingly long 13.5 hour day, was the longest day yet.  I came home absolutely exhausted and crabbier than ever.

Then I got my mail.

It's not usually all that exciting to get my mail.  Most of the time it's full of junk mail and offers for credit cards (which I consider junk mail, too.)

A few weeks back I had written a check and taken it with me to pay my massage therapist.  When I got to her office, the check had vanished.  Like completely and utterly gone.  I was baffled as I dumped the contents of my purse out in the lobby looking for the check that I had written only minutes before.  As I've been a long standing client, she had no problem with me paying next time, but I was still annoyed.  I searched my car, my house, retraced my steps walking from house to car to business.  Nothing.

Until I opened today's mail.  There was a hand addressed envelope from an address I didn't recognize.  Usually that means a solicitor or a realtor or something, but this time it was different.

It contained my first real smile in weeks.  A complete stranger found the check I had written and instead of ignoring it or throwing it away, they mailed it to me with a note.

A small act of kindness from a complete stranger..... maybe things are going to start looking up??

Stormy Weather

In life, there are huge storms, hurricanes, if you will, that uproot us at our core.  The destruction and devastation, in whatever form it takes, is pretty excruciating.

Then there are the storms, full of thunder and lightning, and maybe even some wild winds.  These storms definitely cause chaos, and wreak havoc in the moment, but their path of destruction is much smaller, requiring little more than righting patio furniture and picking up the sticks that have been strewn about the yard.

Finally, there are the breezes that blow through on a day to day basis.  You know the ones, right?  The breeze that makes an 82 degree day feel just perfect.  These do little more than cause a slight chill, or bring a nice refreshing breeze, making the wind chimes dance as they fill the space with music.

With all three of these "winds" the goal is that we as people learn to bend, no matter what the forces.  We are flexible, yet strong.  We have firm roots, so we stay within our space, yet, bending allows things to stay fluid, and even lets some of the old, decaying debris break off and blow away, leaving us ready to begin again.

Sometimes there's a rather lot of rebuilding (think: hurricane) that needs to happen, generally bringing people together to support each other.  Sometimes there's just a bit of clean up that needs to happen (think: storm) and then we're ready to go again.  Sometimes, there is nothing to do but enjoy the breeze.

Then there's me.  The person who falls apart at even the slightest breeze.  The person who turns a misty spring morning into gale force winds.  The person who doesn't bend, instead, painfully breaking into dozens of pieces.

That's where I am right now.  Facing a situation that in reality is a storm, but I'm acting as if it's a wild hurricane.  Do I like doing this?  No way.  But this "hurricane" reaction is how I tend to respond to every breeze that blows through.  It's pretty painful, breaking all the time.  I feel like I've been broken so many times where I was left to put myself back together alone, and I missed a few pieces.

This time is going to be different.  The hurricane has been downgraded to a storm.  And while, as usual, I'm picking up the pieces and putting myself together, this time, I have an instructional guide, and that..... that is making a huge difference.

Jumping in...

So, seems I've decided to jump back into the hole.  I have been spending a lot of time lately hanging around the hole, but I don't know that I've jumped back in willingly in a little while.  Looks like I'm back at chapter two...

What hole is this, you ask?  Well, let me explain....

There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: 

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters 

By Portia Nelson

Chapter I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost . . . I am helpless
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in . . . it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V
I walk down another street.

(I visited the hole here back in February, too.......)

Challenge 17: Radu Voinea

Image courtesy of Radu Voinea

This week's Image Inspiration comes from photographer Radu Voinea.  As I've done for the last few weeks.... I've sought out images that are striking to me, and this one really hit well as it speaks to the season, which is one of my favorites.

I want to step into my monitor, and right into this scene.  My nostrils dance with the cripsness of the autumn air.  My ears are serenaded by the crisp crunch of the fallen leaves.  My feet almost glide over the slippery texture of the moist, fallen leaves.  The fall mist that is sprinkling washes the day away....

I want a good book, a waterproof cushion, and a thermos of warm cider as I sit on a bench, under my red umbrella, enjoying the best that autumn has to offer.

P.S.  I just saw that this is my 222 post!  You know how I love numbers, so I couldn't resist marking this milestone in my blogging world!