Saturday, April 28, 2012


I found this quote this afternoon and it sent me into a rather complex thought spiral.  Not the place I want to be spending my time right now.

So, if it doesn't matter what I see in the mirror... how do I change what I see inside?  Cause my inside isn't all that attractive either.  In fact, sometimes I think that my outsides match my insides, and my insides need a complete makeover.  Like, tear everything apart and start from square one.

Beauty.  Guess I have a really, really, really long way to go.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Coping Mechanisms

How do you react under stress?  How do you respond to stressful situations?  How do you handle things that are out of your control, yet impact you rather a lot?  How do you catch life's curve balls in a healthy manner?

I ask... cause I don't.

My biggest coping mechanism is probably one of the most unhealthy ways to cope.  Period.

Right now, I'm in a myriad of stressful situations.  Between school, health, work, and life in general, there are at least 3 major stressors in every area right now.  As in, this very moment.

And I want to go back.  I want to go back to the coping mechanism that has been helpful for so many years, and at the same time, has been so hurtful and unhealthy, I know I shouldn't go there.

Right now, I'm trying to invest myself in a project for school that I have no energy to do.  I want to do it, I know I could, but since I don't have the energy to do it to my standards, I don't want to do it at all.  Right now, I'm trying to organize some support, unsuccessfully, I might add, to help me through a big medical procedure I'm having in just over a week.  Right now, I'm trying to put together lesson plans for four weeks.  Yep, four.  This week, the two weeks I'll be out of school, and the week I return.  Right now, I'm wishing I knew how to better communicate with those I care about cause it's going to be really hard to pull through without them.

The sadness of the reality in my head is suffocating me right now.  It's clouded my vision and strained my breathing so that I can't see clearly what really is.  The reality in my head isn't some place that I like to spend time.

But until I learn some healthier coping mechanisms, it's where I tend to retreat, cause at least it isn't as bad as what I used to do, what I want to do... run back to the place of familiarity, where I am comfortable listening to the grumblings... in fact, they're music to my ears.

47 days down, 71 days to go.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

I Just Don't Get It

It has absolutely been a crazy few months.  Lots of family stuff, lots of health stuff, lots of stuff in general.  I'm starting to realize that my life thrives on the chaotic times that never seem to end, yet, somehow, I seemed to have learned to live amidst the chaos.

Despite the chaos, though, I have managed to somewhat stabilize my weight.  This is a very good thing, and a part of me is quite pleased with my progress.  Only a few short months ago, I was barely able to maintain from week to week.  A year ago, I wasn't even eating enough to sustain basic metabolic function.  I've come a long way!  I mean, I even saw *that* number a few weeks ago, and while it startled me, it didn't derail my progress like it did last time.  Talk about progress!

In a few weeks, I'll be having minor surgery.  This comes after a two and a half year journey and dozens upon dozens of doctor visits, so I'm actually kind of excited that there is not only an answer to this issue, but a solution, too.

Here's what I don't get.

In thinking about my progress with my health and eating, I can see how far I've come, and how much better I'm doing.  So why then, has the nasty little voice in my mind been telling me that as soon as the surgery is over, and I'm recovered from that, I'm going back to my (not-so) good buddy who never has my best interest in mind in the first place?  Why then, would I throw away the hard work of the past few months once the surgery is done, only to go backwards in my recovery?  Why on earth would I even entertain those thoughts?

I just don't get it.

Friday, April 6, 2012

One down, three to go

It's been exactly one month since I tearfully said good-bye to a very important person in my life.  In just under three months I'll get to welcome this person back, and yes, it will probably be rather tearful too.

I feel like the month has crawled by.  A part of me really wants the rest of the time to go quickly, but even that is bittersweet, because around the same time this person comes back, I will say farewell to my class, send my students on to the next grade, and head into summer, anxiously awaiting what lies ahead in the coming fall.

Time is such a funny thing.  It reminds me of the riddle, "What weighs more, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers?"  (In case you forgot, a pound weighs the same, no matter what you're weighing.)  It's been unseasonably warm here, though yesterday, it was unseasonably cold.  It's amazing, though, what time does.  If you think about it, 38 degrees Fahrenheit feels a lot colder in October than it does in April.  38 degrees is 38 degrees.  But time makes it feel different, at least to me.

In the fall, we've just come off of summer, and 38 degrees feels rather cold.  In the spring, we've just come off of winter, and 38 degrees feels nice and warm.

Does this mean that the time that is passing right now, is passing extra slowly because I miss this person way more than I care to admit?  Or does it mean time is passing quickly, because I'm already not looking forward to saying good-bye to my students at the end of the school year?

Time.  A funny thing it is.  Mixed with a little perspective it can sure make things complicated.

"Time is the longest distance between two places."
-- Tennessee Williams

Monday, April 2, 2012

Autism Awareness 2012

Today is Autism Awareness Day.  
People everywhere are wearing blue.


To raise awareness....

Did you know that 1 in 88 children are diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder?
Did you know that 1 in 54 boys are on the spectrum?
Did you know Autism is the fastest growing developmental disability?
(check out lots more facts here: I'm Just That Way)

Throughout the month of April, people all over are lighting it up blue to promote Autism Awareness.  If you buy a blue bulb from Home Depot, they will donate to Autism Speaks to raise awareness for Autism.

So what are you waiting for?
Go out there, get a blue bulb, and make a difference!