Prayers for Paris

Jumping Ship

Tonight I did something that I haven't done in over 20 years.

A part of me is really sad that I caved.  I almost feeling like saying "you win" to my team.  I mean, after all, this was their idea.  Sure, it took four years for it to move from idea to encouragement to consideration to well, basically I've gone through the stages of grief, actually.  And I've finally moved from acceptance to action.

Tonight I intentionally ate meat.
And I didn't vomit.
And I didn't die.
And I didn't melt like the wicked witch.

Who knows what tomorrow morning will bring, or even the middle of the night, as my stomach is quite the hyper sensitive beast.  But I ate.  An entire cup of chicken rice soup.  I even drank the broth at the end of the cup.

This was (as exaggerated as it sounds) an excruciating task.  It meant giving up the title of "vegetarian" which I've coveted since I was 13 years old.  It meant giving up on what has proven to be the most useful tool in my eating disordered box of supplies.  My eating disorder has one less ally now, and that worries me.  Maybe it shouldn't, but it does.

It worries me because the path to recovery, which has been a dirt road littered with gravel and rocks, often challenging to travel, might just be starting to smooth out.  That should be good.  Making traveling forward easier, leaving more and more disordered eating behaviors behind me.  But those behaviors have been my travel companions for so long, leaving this one, the original, the biggest supporter behind?  It's anxiety inducing.

On the up side, it means that there is room for another tool, a healthier eating tool.  It means that, as long as there are no detrimental reactions to meat becoming a part of my body (and yes, I will give it a full six weeks to try out,) my menu will grow astronomically.

A part of me feels like I failed.  Like I couldn't keep up, even after more than 20 years, a vegetarian diet.  The reality is that when I became a vegetarian at 13, I only had one known food allergy.  20 some years later, I have a dozen.  Those are not choices.  I must avoid them.  The vegetarian avoidance is a choice.  It always has been.  One I hold very tightly to.  I mean, I am a vegetarian.  Period.  It's my choice to continue with that vegetarianism at the potential expense of my body, or make the choice to eat meat again as a way to better take care of my body.  I might hate the outside of my body, but I really do want to take care of the inside.

Distressing.  Confusing.  Sad.  Anxious.  Remorseful.

But also kinda proud of myself for pushing through this massive hurdle and making the attempt to take care of my body in the way it needs.  Kinda.

Picture Day

There is one day of the year where parents win the battle of what to wear, brushed hair, and washed faces.  Picture Day.  It's the day everyone in elementary school panics, making sure the kids get their pictures snapped before they head to gym or recess, so they don't muss up their appearance for the day.
Recently, my school experienced our annual picture day.  400 shiny, smiley faces, all dolled up, patiently waited for their class to be called.  Interspersed between the class photos, teachers and staff members slipped in, cringing as they sat on the stool in front of the back drop, waiting for the camera flash to pass, and comparing this year's picture with the pictures of colleagues nearby.

This year marked the 30th school picture in a row.  In a row.  Yup.  I've been in school since I was in kindergarten, and without missing a year, my picture has been taken every year since.  All of elementary school, all of junior high, all of high school, all of college, and since I went straight from college to the classroom, I truly never missed a year.

Part of me wants to have all of those pictures in my hands right now, so I can line them up and compare how adorable I was as a child, to how absolutely and completely anti-adorable I am as an adult.  It would be a great excuse for a beat-the-crap-out-of-me session that could span many hours.  Productive?  Nope.  But likely exactly what would happen should I get my hands on all 30 pictures.

Another part of me wants to compare the last 12 years worth of pictures, all my years in the classroom as a teacher, and see what changes I notice.  Unfortunately, that will also result in a less-than-pleasant me-bashing experience.

Like many recovering from eating issues, appearance is a sticking point for me.  I whole heartedly believe the lies I tell myself - that I am hideous, a monster, a mirror-breaker, that my appearance makes me impossible to befriend, much less love.

I know they're lies, logically.  My therapist reminds me that they are lies I tell myself, and that I've been telling them to myself
for so long, I now believe them, even though they logically don't fit.  I know that.  I mean, I head into the grocery store and no one avoids me in the aisles.  I walk into school and no one - kids included - run from me.  I guess I don't look that bad outside, even if that's how I feel on the inside.

This year, picture day was a very reflective one.  Looking at my picture, I kinda didn't recognize the person looking back at me.  That person is put together, coordinated in dress, a warm smile, and wrinkly eyes that show laughter.  That person looks like someone who knows what they're doing.  It looks like someone who can take charge and accomplish things.

Which is what I kinda do.....

So while it IS most definitely my picture, and this IS what others see when they see me..... what's it gonna take for me to see the "me" that they see?  What's it gonna take for me to shut down the lies, once and for all, and replace them with truths?  Something has to change.  And while picture day might not ever be a favorite day, one day, hopefully, I will look at my school picture and go "oh, yeah, I like that person!"

Thankfully, I have a long career ahead of me, with many more picture days to practice!

Almost Famous

I love this movie.  It happened to be on today when I got home,  and when I turned to the channel, this scene was playing.  I love this scene.  There are so many things I love about this scene.  On so many levels.

I am a Kate Hudson fan, and always have been.  She sends a very positive message to the world, and while I know TV is not real at all, she comes across as a person who would make for a good friend.

This.  Scene.  Where William yells at Penny Lane about the Real World, and the confusion all the rules and sayings and nicknames.... I get it.  While this movie is completely fictitious, the idea of being in a false reality, as in on tour with the band, is familiar.  The rules of this "world" and all the sayings and such?  I get it.  And I get why William is mad.  He sees the potential.

I've lived in this world.  I think I still do.

For years, I participated in a sport that was more expensive than I could afford.  I was literally surrounded by people who dropped $15K a weekend, and purchased horses worth more than a new car.  I lived in that fantasy world for years.  At first, I loved it.  But deep down, I knew I didn't fit.  I tried.  I tried hard to fit.  And there were times, moments like Penny's reaction at the end of the clip, where I swallowed the "this isn't right" and "I know I am worth more" feeling and shoved ahead, even though I knew there was a better place for me in the world.

I relied on humor a lot back then, and I'm finding myself relying, once again, on humor as I navigate my new world.  Yes, my new world.  My new job that I began this summer required a massive change of venue, and a huge shift in working overall.

All good.  All good for sure.

Except.  Once again, I feel like the end of this scene, where no matter what Penny is thrown, she will always, always, always smile through the tears, lighten the situation, and not let it get to her.  But I saw her face.  I saw her reaction.  The tears.  The brief but powerful shift of her gaze.  I recognized it.  Cause I do it.

And this new job?  Yes, it's my dream job.  And yes, I love it.  But I feel like an outsider in the "real world" of this community.  I do have a commonality with everyone, which is good, but.... the rules... the nicknames.... the sayings..... the confusion..... the inner hurt because I don't get it.  It's outside of my knowledge base.  And it makes me feel uncomfortable and bad about myself.

Here's the thing.  Everyone has said if I have questions, feel free to ask.  And I have asked questions, and people have patiently explained and clarified.  And like in the movie, everything in the end comes around, through the road blocks and confusion, there is a sense of peace as the credits roll.

Right now, though, I'm in the end of the scene.  The first few weeks of school were crazy, and it would have been no shock to anyone if I broke down at all.  What people don't know is that on the inside, I was frustrated to the point of tears.  But on the outside, I was smiling and cracking jokes.  And keeping everyone shielded from any emotion that wasn't positive.

I'm really getting tired of smiling through those tears.  Really tired.

When You've Got it All....

and you still feel like crud......

Then you'd be me.

Cause right now, my life is really, really good.  My new job is ah-may-zing.  Seriously.  I am up well before my alarm goes off for the first time in years.  And my alarm now goes off early!  I have already faced many challenges at work, and yet, working through them has not deterred me from loving my new position.

While my new colleagues have me up on a pedestal right now, I know that the truth is, I'm walking with them, not ahead of them.  They just don't realize it.  And for every time they try to push me onto that pedestal, I lift them right up there with me.

The kids, though I don't have my own class, have been inspiring and motivating.  There is such a vibe at this new school, unlike any school I've been in before.  I love it there, even with the challenges and flaws, it's already feeling like home, and it's only been a month.

But inside.  Eating disordered behaviors are surfacing again, and I didn't even realize it.  I've been watching the depression creep up, slowly at first, and rapidly the last week or so, until now, where I'm buried in it again.  My doctor is worried.  My therapist hasn't figured this out yet, I am that good at hiding it.  My dietitian is on to me, though.

The worst part is that I actually have no reason whatsoever to feel this way.  Walking into school every morning, I'm invigorated.  The opportunities I've already been given, in this first month of school?  I know that I'm in the right place, where my talents are embraced and utilized.  I finally feel a sense of contentment.  I'm with my "peeps" who accept me and all of my quirks, just as I am.

And yet.  I am depressed.  Again.

Will this cycle ever end?

Thankful Thursdays - Year 3

Day 251 - Thursday 9/3/15 -  Had a blast teaching a lesson to a group of kids, who while they aren't my students, it didn't matter - they listened and we all had fun learning!

Day 250 - Wednesday 9/2/15 -  Learned that smiling through tears for all these years paid off - I can now smile through challenges, too.

Day 249 - Tuesday 9/1/15 - Pulled off a great surprise for some old colleagues today, that made a lot of people smile, which in turn, made me smile.

Day 248 - Monday 8/31/15 - First day of school with students, the exhilaration of my new school outweighed the sadness of not having my own crew this year.

Day 247 - Sunday 8/30/15 - I love the joy in my new position, and the flexibility and freedom I have to be me.

Day 246 - Saturday 8/29/15 - The most wonderful time of year around here!  The Cider Mill opened!

Day 245 - Friday 8/28/15 - Feeling accomplished from the past week of workshops, and ready to tackle the new year!