Goal

Goal:  Be comfortable in my own skin.

Friendship

Secrets

I am a good listener.  People tell me things.  I am glad to hold on to their secrets because I know how good it feels to have someone else hold my secrets.

Want to see lots of secrets? 
Check out www.postsecretcommunity.com

The thing is, these days... I don't have many secrets.  I've become a great tattletale.

No, you don't have to worry.  If you gave me a secret to hold, I'll hold it till you tell me otherwise.

I'm talking about tattling on myself.  I'm great at telling on me.

Lately, well, for the past year or so, I've been great at doing stupid things.  Like really, really dumb things.  Things that could get me into a heap of trouble.  No, not that kind of trouble.  I'm not that dumb.  The kind of trouble that ends up hurting only me.  The kind of stupid that causes me to suffer more, that causes me to hurt, that causes damage to my body.

And when I do things like that, I have such a guilty conscience, that I have no choice but to tell on myself.  It's the right thing to do.  It's the right thing to do, and if I ever want to grow past this self-loathing phase I seem to be in, it's the only thing to do.

Sometimes I don't even realize I have a secret... sometimes I've let myself get so wrapped up in the illusion that I don't even realize I've been lying to myself for days.  Not good.

I guess it's good that with my team, no secret stays secret for long.  Well, it's a good thing AND a challenge... cause with this team, there can be no secrets.  I have to keep it real, keep it honest, and keep telling on myself... 

I just hate those secrets that are so hard to tell the fist time, and then I have to repeat it enough times so that everyone is in the loop.  Guess it's a good thing I like to talk...

Here's a secret I'll share with you.
Yes, you.

When it comes to Secrets... One Republic explains em really nicely....

The B word...

An article came across my twitter feed today that has me thinking.  A lot.  And not about stuff I wanted to think about.... About stuff I've been trying really, really hard to avoid thinking about.

Body Image.

I'm not a fan of my body.  I know I don't "fit in" with how society thinks I should look.  I did... until I was about 9 years old.  Then puberty hit.  It hit me hard.  And I've been hard on myself ever since.

I know I should just accept my body as it is and move on, but I can't.  I'm sure there are millions of people that deal with what I deal with, and I truly don't know how they do it.  I just know that I don't do it well.  At all.
 
I'm rather tired of living in this body. I know I shouldn't be.  Instead, I should be grateful that I have a body that works, despite a few hiccups.  I have legs and feet that will carry me wherever I want.  I have clear vision (as long as my glasses are on) and good hearing and I can smell chocolate chip cookies baking a block away.  I can talk.  I can read.  I can draw.  I can type.  I can think.  I can breathe.  I can teach.  I can make people smile.  I can make people laugh.  I can be a good listener.  I can make magic happen on computers... I can do all sorts of things, actually.

Why can't I be grateful for that?  I mean, I have sooooo many good things going for me... Why do I let this "image" issue create such chaos for me?  It makes everything hard.  I seem to be the only person that has a problem with the way I look, too.  No one ever says anything to me, but.... they don't need to.  I say it to myself.

Here's a link to the article... the title itself says a lot: Stop Fighting Against Yourself and Start Fighting for Yourself

Week 13: Forgiveness

I have thought a lot about forgiveness, and who I need to forgive in life.  I've spent lots of therapy hours dealing with the topic as well.  I'm pretty sure that I've forgiven my parents for all they did or did not do when I was growing up- neither of them had the best childhoods, and I know they did the best they could with my siblings and me.  In the grand scheme of things, they did ok, even though it wasn't always enough, it was all they could do.

The person I really need to forgive is myself.  I am a pretty mean person when it comes to self-talk.  Try as I might, when it comes down to it, I'm not my biggest fan.  I am working on that, though.  It isn't helpful when I spend my day verbally attacking myself.  The reality of it is that I too, am doing the best that I can with what I have.  Thankfully, I'm working on changing the way I treat myself, and it is so not easy.  As much as I wish my therapist had a magic wand and could *poof* make nicer thoughts come out of my brain, she can't.  What she can do is help me learn to be more kind and compassionate toward myself.  And that seems like it's going to take more than forgiveness.  It's going to take a miracle.

We may not know how to forgive, and we may not want

to forgive; but the very fact we say we are willing to

forgive begins the healing practice. -- Louise Hay

Sadness

"The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad.  

You know, when sad tries to bite it's lip and not cry and 

smile and go "no, I'm happy for you."  That's when it's really sad." 

-- John Mayer

I'm sad.  I'm really, really sad.  And I can't shake it.  It's been building for a few weeks.  I knew the day would arrive.  I knew I'd be sad.  I just figured that since I'd been prepared for it for months, that it wouldn't be as hard.  But it was.  And the sadness?  That's even harder.

A friend of mine told me a story about her daughter.  When her daughter was 2, the family moved abroad for two years.  They came back to visit a few times a year, and each time they left, their little girl, so smart for her age, would never say goodbye.  Instead, she said see you later or something of the like.

I get it.

Saying goodbye hurts.  It hurts so much I can't put words to it.  But saying see you later is a lot less finite, a lot less hurt-filled.

For me, at least in this case, I don't think it would have mattered how I said it.  It was going to hurt.  A lot.  A lot more than I was prepared for.  Thing is, in the grand scheme of things, it's just a short farewell.  Just a few short months (15 weeks) until  that painful goodbye turns into a cheerful welcome back.

It's going to hurt for a while.  I'm going to be sad about it for a while.  I'm going to cry about it for a while.  All that might be perfectly normal for the situation, but I still don't like it.  I don't like that I spent my last 45 minutes with this person in tears, and not the pretty "dab at the corner of your eye with a lace hanky" tears.  The messy ones.  The  "I hate that someone is even looking at me cause I'm that much of a mess" tears.  Unfortunately, as much as we've been preparing for this day, this departure, there have been more messy tears than I care to admit.

Supposedly all this sadness and emotional stuff is a really good thing.  It means that I allowed myself to trust someone enough to care about them, and to let them care about me... which is why their departure hurts so much.  Both the sadness and the tears are natural and appropriate in this situation.  Supposedly all this is a good thing.

I think it's a load of crap.

I guess it's good that I have the next 15 weeks to deal with it. 

For now, this sadness and these tears just suck.  Anger was easier to deal with than this.

Week 7: Words that Give Me Meaning: Take 6

No explanation needed for this one. The lyrics really say it all.

Introducing Song 6: 

Waiting For The End by Linkin Park

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty's within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And I don't even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So I'm picking up the pieces, now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again

All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
I'm holding on to what I haven't got
I'm holding on to what I haven't got

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty's within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it let it all disappear 

Stand up.

Today kicks of Reading Month, and in the education world, that's a pretty big deal.  I like to promote reading whenever I can.

This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week.  I made a commitment to myself to post a fact or a link or something each day this week on my FB page in order to promote ED awareness.  It's felt a bit risky to do so, but I think it's important to spread awareness for things that are important, that matter, to me. 

Which is why I wore orange today.  I wore orange for a friend of mine who underwent a stem cell transplant today.  She's one tough chick, and her attitude is one worth catching.  No matter what she has going on, she's always the first one to lend an encouraging word to anyone who asks.  Orange is so not my color, but today, it was the only color I wanted to wear.

So stand up.  Or sit down.  Or walk.  Or run or draw or bike or swim or whatever you do... do it with a purpose.  Do it to raise awareness for something that matters to you.  You never know who will be reached by your effort, or who will finally speak up and get help, or give help, because of what you stood up for.

The Power of Sleep

It is amazing how important sleep is.  I know that my body needs 7-8 hours of sleep every night.  I'm an absolute mess if I get less than that multiple days in a row.  It's kind of ironic, though, that the times that are most important for me to get enough sleep, like, say, when there's a big event coming up, or I have a presentation due, or something like that, are the times when I get the least amount of sleep.

This is one of those times.  I have a pretty big weekend coming up, and am going to be going pretty much non-stop for three straight days.  You'd think I'd be certain to get enough sleep!  I really planned on it, tried to, was all set-up for sleep success.... and then my computer decided to act up.  Which mean that the little project that was supposed to take a half hour, took longer.  Like 10 times longer.  Literally.  Five hours.  Five hours of work on a very simple, already done project, that just needed to be exported.

Nine.  That's the number right now.  Nine.  It's the number of hours of sleep I've gotten in the last TWO days.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I've gotten 4.5 hours of sleep for the last two nights in a row, and something is going to have to change ASAP if I'm going to stay healthy on this little sleep.

So what to do?  Can I just throw the computer out the window?  I don't know that I've ever been as frustrated with technology as I was last night.  Usually, me and my tech toys are connected at the hip, but last night.... oh was it a mess.  I actually had no choice but to give up and go to sleep, otherwise I'd have been in big trouble today.  A nap today would be nice, but I'm not sure my students would go along with the afternoon nap plan... sleeping on desks would get uncomfortable.

I'm going to go to work and try to make the day as simple as possible (and might actually play a video for my class, something I rarely do!) so that all that needs to be done can get done.  I actually don't plan on even opening my computer tonight when I get home from the festivities, instead, I'm going to go straight to bed.   That's not going to be easy, but as a good friend once said, we don't need easy, we just need possible.

Life is full of possible... I just like the possibilities a lot more when I'm well rested!