Friday, February 24, 2012

Either? Or? Both?

Two weeks ago I found myself consumed by anger, something I generally try to, and have successfully been able to convince myself I was able to avoid.  Unfortunately, actually feeling anger is only delayable, not completely unavoidable.  And dealing with that anger?  Not avoidable at all, unless, of course, you want to spend your life feeling like you are going to burst at any moment.

Pretty rain chains at my favorite place to visit in LA.
Last week I wasn't feeling all that much anger, or so I thought.  Instead, it was replaced by sadness.  This week has been no different.  I feel full of this horrible melancholy that won't let up.  I feel like I'm being followed by a grey cloud of tears.  While I can occasionally escape the cloud by throwing myself into my work, or a project, or some other equally distracting activity, the cloud is always there as soon as I pause to breathe.

And that doesn't feel very good.  At all.

On the one hand, sadness seems to be more socially acceptable than anger.  Sadness is something that doesn't make my heart pound and my vision cloud over (though my vision is awfully blurry when the tears fall!)  Anger, on the other hand, makes my body feel like it's going to burst, literally.  I can't breathe, I can't focus, I can't concentrate.  Well, I guess the lack of focus and concentration are the same for sadness, too.

Los Angeles DOES get rain!
I've heard that it's possible to actually feel multiple emotions or feelings at the same time.  I just never thought that one could feel both sad and angry at the same time.  A part of me is quite angry about some of the things happening right now, but then sadness takes over, and buries the anger, which leaves me feeling even worse than when it was just straight-up anger.  Confused yet?  I am.

I know it doesn't have to be an either/or, but considering the fact that I don't know how to deal with either sadness or anger in a healthy way, yeah... no wonder I'm confused.  Now, dealing with confusion... That's probably a whole different skill set, right?!

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