Patience

Just last week the topic of patience came up.  

Turns out I have none.  

At least when it comes to myself.  

I've been living in a depressive fog for oh, eight weeks now, 

and I am impatiently waiting for it to lift. 

But patience is the only thing that will bring relief.

 So I'm looking to purchase some. 

Please let me know if you have any to spare!

Waiting

Ugh.  My therapist said something very similar to me this last week.  She brought up the whole idea of "fake it till ya make it" which is a very popular and much-used slogan in the 12-step world.

And let me tell you it's exhausting.  It takes so much effort for me to "fake it" that by the time I get home, all I want to do is sleep.  It seems like it shouldn't be this much work!  I know, I know, change is NOT easy.

Especially when you despise change the way I seem to.  I do like to hang back and say things like, "I'll try that when I feel better."  Or, "I'm not ready to try that yet."

You know what I'm talking about.  So does my therapist.

Avoidance.

If nothing changes, then nothing changes.  

And something's gotta change.

Hitting the Wall

Figuratively, of course.  But that's where I am.  I've finally hit the wall.

I've made it three whole days (which I know in the grand scheme of things, isn't very long) at school, busying myself as best as I can helping others get things done and get rooms ready, all the while, patiently waiting for my room to be ready.  And I have been VERY patient.

But today, I reached my limit.  I am a very emotional person, but I have been very proud of the fact that I haven't once cried at school over the situation.  Other teachers in somewhat similar situations as mine, have been in tears multiple times.  I'm the only one who still isn't in my classroom.  And had this been last year, the year before, heck, had this happened any other year, I'd have been in tears at school.

This year, instead, I'm holding it together at school.  All day long I'm able to stay upbeat and positive, and truly enjoying having time to be helping others.  Then I get in my car, and cry my way home.  I have cried my way to therapy twice this week, and cried my way home.  I cried my way to my nutritionist's office, and cried my way home.  And it's only Wednesday.

I have finally hit my breaking point, and tonight has been a tear-filled, messy, messy night.  I crashed into that wall hard.  And it hurts.

I know that by the time my students walk in on that first day (only 5 short days away) my room will be presentable.  It might not be up to my standards, but it will work, and when those smiling faces walk in, I will be smiling right back at them.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

I really like lemonade.  Like, it's one of the few "juice-type" beverages that I actually enjoy.  But only if it's fresh squeezed - that powdered crap?  Yuck.  To me it tastes like chemicals.  My therapist actually used this line on me the other day.  She started the sentence, but I cut her off... cause sometimes, it is true that lemonade just doesn't cut it.

This is one of those times.  I've been handed this bowl of lemons, and instead of making lemonade and giving it away so I'm holding less lemons, more lemons keep getting added to my bowl.  By the dozen.  And it is getting really heavy.  And it's all out of my control.

The good news (cause you know me, I always try to find something positive!) is that I know it will all work out in the end.  It always does.  The bad news is that my stress level is off the charts as my classroom was not finished on schedule.  It wasn't finished on the back up date.  In fact, it won't be finished until the holiday weekend.  Literally, that Friday.  Which means I'm in school on my three day weekend preparing my room, and during this time this week that has been designated as prep time in the classroom, I'm twiddling my thumbs.  Which I don't do well.

Believe it or not, once school starts my stress level will actually go down.  The excitement of a new year will kick in.  My days will be long, and I'll have worked in my classroom for 12 days straight, but come Tuesday morning when those kids arrive?  My stress level will trickle down, and maybe I'll be able to enjoy a glass of lemonade...

Challenge 3, Part 2: Becoming Self Empowered

Becoming self empowered is not easy, or at least it has not been an easy journey for me. I still fear the path one must walk to become self empowered, especially as I head toward learning to speak up for myself, learning to ask for what I need, and actually giving myself what I need. Funny how that works, what we most need for ourselves, the ability to meet our own needs, something we should be empowered to do at least once we reach adulthood, is often a very hard task to accomplish!

Think about it.  Once you reach a certain age, you learn to feed yourself. Yes, the food you are given may not be a choice, but you get to feed it to yourself. I mean, how many people fawn over baby as he grasps that first fistful of Cheerios and shoves them adorably in his mouth? Same with potty training- to be free of that diaper means "I'm a big kid now."  Riding a two-wheeler. Learning to tie your shoes. Being home alone for the first time. All empowering milestones that we pass through as we grow.

For some, those milestones are celebrated and begin to instill that sense of accomplishment and pride in oneself. This can pave the way to a life where the feeling of accomplishment, of pride, comes from within. Self empowerment to the maximum level- believing in yourself, not needing external praise to know you've done well. This boost gives one the power to try new things without worry of failure.  All those little milestones along the way were sprinkled with failures, but because the successes were celebrated, the failures just became a part of the process, and not the end all self belief.

For others, that is not how their journey went. Successes weren't as frequently celebrated and failures filled the gaps between. Becoming empowered was feared, and developing a reliance on those around you (your family) was the expectation. Sure, some milestones were celebrated and many skills were learned. There was even a bit of fun sprinkled along the path. But that self confidence that grows as a result of positive experiences that are praised, and failures that are encouraged to be challenged into successes, well, that is often missing. Instead of looking at a failure and saying to yourself, as was modeled to you by your parents, "I can do it, let me try again, I know I can do it," a failure means the end. A failure means you need someone else to help, and you always will.

Which, in reality, is not true.

Because EVERYONE can become self empowered. Everyone. Doesn't matter how old you are or how lousy your life was growing up or how little you were celebrated. It IS possible to learn to lean on, to empower yourself to reach for those experiences, to learn to nourish your body, feed your soul, and love yourself. No, you might not be able to do it alone, at least not at first. Yes, it may take a long time, and you will need to have people that are walking along the path with you. And yes, at first you will need them to feed you the praise and encouragement you missed as you grew. But eventually, at least I'm told, you will no longer need the encouragement to come from those walking with you. Eventually you will be able to internalize their positive words, replace the negative tracks with positive messages, and empower yourself.

Challenge 2, Part 1: Self Nurturing

I look at this week's topic and feel the same twinge of panic that I felt in addressing last week's topic on Self-Care and Self-Soothing.  They are all intertwined in my mind, and they are all strugglesome areas.

Self nurturing means the same thing as both self-care and self-soothing combined: They are all ways we need to take care of the self.  The difference in my mind is that nurturing is often seen more motherly, whereas self-care and self-soothing are more self-care.  Nurturing the self seems rather challenging, as I still sometimes wish I could be mothered the way in which "typical" kids are mothered, even though I'm a grown adult!

When I nurture others, which I do daily in my job as a grade school teacher, I am offering positive and constructive feedback, praise, encouragement, support, and loads of other things to my students, as a way of coaxing out the best "them" they can be.  There is lots of laughter and fun, and sometimes tears and unhappiness, but we work through those spots together, calmly and with care.  No child is ever made to feel less than for any reason - all abilities and differences are embraced.  I listen objectively and with an open-mind to all ideas, and we move forward collectively, yet each individual child is still at their own pace within the grand scheme of things.

Do I apply that same understanding, acceptance, patience, kindness, and compassion to myself?  No f*ing way.  But I'm starting to at least try, rather than avoid the self-nurturing piece all together, which is what I've done for years.  I lived in survival mode, and there just wasn't room for any of that self-nurturing, lovey-dovey crap.

I stop myself from caring about myself because I don't like myself.  I like others.  I love my students (in a teacherly sort of way) so I want to help them.  I don't love me (yet) so I don't want to help me.  I don't feel worthy of anything positive, which is why, especially when things are rough, I sometimes I still step back and marvel at the good things I DO have in my world - my home, a job I love, an incredible therapist and support team, a family that loves me (even if I feel smothered by them) and lots of other things.  I often am caught breathless when I think about how much I do have, and how little I believe I deserve that goodness.  Instead, I deserve all the crap-ness that comes my way.  That is what I am worthy of, not the good.

Step by step, little by little, one day at a time, I'm working to change this.  With the support of all of you reading, with the encouragement and support of my team, and with my sheer determination, I know that once I put my mind to it, I will be on the top of my list of people to help..... one day....

I think I can, I think I can...