A Shocking Tragedy

Photo Credit: Enchanted Photography

I have no words.  Only shock.  Only grief.  They were just babies.  It could have happened anywhere.  Any school.  Any teacher.  Any child.  I am numb with shock.  

May the violence end here, and peace forever reign.

Protection?

Right now, I'm working my @$$ off to protect myself from sinking deeper into the sadness that has been my world lately.  Everything feels like another reason to be depressed, sad, frustrated....

I didn't think about the fact that when I protect, or shield myself from sadness, I'm also shielding myself from the rest of the feelings out there, including happiness.  Happiness.... Reminds me of another quote, the one that says that happiness is not a destination, it's a way of life.

My way of living life has been in the depressive fog of my situation.  I'd like to change that...

From Bad to Worse

Things just seem to be going from bad to worse.  Friday it was a complete stranger that sent me into a tailspin, today, it was a situation at work.  Lately, I feel like I can't catch a break.  Which sucks.  Big time.  (and apparently, I'm not the only one who's noticed the target I seem to wear, as colleagues have commented on "things" too.)

It's as if I'm walking around, as a colleague described it, with a giant target on me.  When anything at all goes wrong in the building, I'm blamed.  It is irrational and illogical in every way.  But unfortunately, it is what it is, and I have no choice but to ride out this wave of insanity.  And not let it break me.

Cause I'm stronger than my eating disorder.  And I'm stronger than a blame-game target.  The question is, how long will I be able to maintain that strength, maintain my dignity, maintain my life.... without breaking completely into un-fixable pieces.  Cause sometimes, you just can't fix the platter that's shattered into hundreds of pieces.

Mother Teresa said "I know G-d won't give me anything I can't handle.  I just wish He didn't trust me so much."  I know what she means.  I know I am meant to learn something from these past few days.  Maybe it's that I can't give one person the power to make me feel bad about myself, or worthless, or self-conscious.  Maybe it's that I am meant to handle situations like this because I'm strong enough to do so.  Maybe.... I dunno, but I wish, whatever the lesson I'm meant to learn, would show itself soon, because this is getting really hard to handle...

Words and Music

I guess this fits in the ongoing "Week 7: Words that Give Me Meaning" series.  Lately I've been really challenged to find the words to express myself.  I feel full of this false sense of good, and if I open my mouth, I'll lose it all.  I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, but this time, the shoe is in my hand. 

And I know I'm going to drop it.

In fact, I might already have.  That would explain the tearful mess I've been this evening.  On the heels of a pretty decent end to the week, as life would have it.  Now, though?  I just feel like....

Some Nights by Fun

Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw
Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know anymore...
Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa oh oh
Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa oh oh

This is it, boys, this is war - what are we waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype - save that for the black and white
I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked, but here they come again to jack my style

And that's alright; I found a martyr in my bed tonight
She stops my bones from wondering just who I am, who I am, who I am
Oh, who am I? mmm... mmm...

Well, some nights, I wish that this all would end
Cause I could use some friends for a change
And some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again
Some nights, I always win, I always win...

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know... (come on)

So this is it? I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my mom and dad for this?

(Come on)

No. When I see stars, when I see, when I see stars, that's all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like this one, so come on
Oh, come on. Oh, come on, OH COME ON!

Well, that is it guys, that is all - five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands
This one is not for the folks at home; Sorry to leave, mom, I had to go
Who the heck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?

My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she call "love"
When I look into my nephew's eyes...
Man, you wouldn't believe the most amazing things that can come from...
Some terrible nights...ahhh...

Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh oh
Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh oh

The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... oh...
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... oh... 

Always Remember 9/11

Always Remember...... 

Living through history isn't always pleasant,
but this is one event we can never forget......

September 11, 2001

I was nannying.  I had just dropped the kids off at daycare
and was headed to university.  I was listening to my favorite radio
station, and heard my favorite DJ mention something about planes
crashing into the towers.  I thought it was a joke of sorts, but in flipping
channels, it was on every station.  I headed home instead of to school,
just for a few minutes, to turn on the news and see what was really going on.

I was shocked, dumbfounded, and completely frozen.
I immediately went back to daycare to pick up the kids,
and we went straight home.  For the rest of the day,
they never left my sight.
I will always remember that day.....
with sadness, for the lives lost,
with gratitude for the heroes who found miracles in the rubble....
with hope, that a tragedy like this need never happen again....

Reality

Don't Want To Think...

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: END

June Blog Challenge Day 17: END

I am not a fan of most endings.  They are usually rather sad and emotional for me, and lately, it's hard to keep my emotions in check.

Take the end of the school year, for example.  I always, always cry.  Never fails.  Even the year I was moving up with my students, I still cried on the last day of school.  Even the year I couldn't wait for the school year to end, I still cried.

I think back to the end of undergrad.  I was so in denial that it was over, I almost dropped out, and I didn't attend graduation ceremonies.  I just couldn't face the end of what I considered my youth.  High school graduation was even worse - I was a blubbering mess of tears much of the day.  I even went back to school after graduation, and attended my favorite classes till the last day of school, even though I didn't have to.  Talk about holding on to the past.....

I equate endings with sadness.  All endings but one. 

I look forward to the day when I end my relationship with the self-destructive behaviors and intrusive, unhelpful, thoughts filled with self-hatred.  I look forward to the day where I end the internal attack on my self.  I look forward to the day when I am no longer my own worst enemy.  I look forward to the day I leave behind the self-inflicted misery of my inner-life, and step into the endless possibilities that await in the outside world.  It will happen.  I know it will.


Prompt: Can you remember the end of an era in your life that was important to you? Was the end sad? Liberating? What is it like to end your disorder? What is it like to realize that for every end there is a new beginning?

Three down, one to go

I have made it three months.  The first two months d-r-a-g-g-e-d by, the last month, while slow, wasn't as torturous.  That's likely cause I was rather preoccupied with recovering from surgery.  Doesn't mean I didn't think about her every single day.  One month from today, she'll be back.  Three months ago, I was shocked I survived the first month.  One month from now, I'll be able to say I survived four whole months without someone pretty important in my life right now.  

Like that Kelly Clarkson song...

There were lots (I mean lots) of ups and downs.  There were a few scary moments, where all I wanted was to be wrapped up the safety of a hug, but I survived.  It was really hard for me to admit how much it hurts to miss someone special, but strangely, there was a sense of relief once I did.  I still am not comfortable with this attachment, with this idea of missing someone that much.  But I'm dealing.

My therapist would say that because of all the challenges over the past three months, because of those ups and downs, and because of the emotional pain involved in missing someone... she would say that surviving this ordeal has made me stronger. 

I think she's right... kind of.  I don't know that I'm any stronger, but I do agree that I've changed, that I've grown as a result of this experience.  I've been more in touch (reluctantly) with my emotions than ever before.  I've felt very supported and cared for, despite this absence, my therapist has made sure of that.  I don't know where I would be without her.  My whole team is incredible, but my therapist?  One of a kind.  I've learned what it's like to feel some key emotions I've repressed for my whole life.  No, I don't enjoy that whole feel-the-anger-feel-the-sadness part, and I'm not terribly good at it, but I've experienced both over the past three months, and as promised, neither killed me.

Life has a funny way of teaching lessons.  All I know right now, is one month... I just hope it doesn't go as slowly as that first month did!

They Paved Paradise

You don't know what you've got till it's gone.

Nine simple words.  A million complex feelings.

The hardest part is when you get an emotional punch in the stomach that knocks the wind out of you for a little while.  While gasping for air, the overwhelming sense of longing weighs you down, pinning you to the spot until the moment(s) pass and you can breathe normally.

Often, for quite a while after, my heart aches.  In those few moments, all I want is whoever it is I'm missing.  Just for a few minutes... I know it won't fix things, but in that moment?  It's all I want.  Doesn't matter how many times I revisit old emails or notes or pictures or whatever.  Sometimes that makes the ache worse, not better. 

I guess the good news is that now I know what it's like to have people around you worth missing.  I guess I didn't have that very often, so I never realized how painful it can feel to miss someone.  Supposedly, this is a good thing.  (Jury's still out.)  Good or bad, I'm chalking it all up to another learning experience during this journey called life.  I guess it's a good thing I like to learn...

(In case you don't get it the title, click here.)

Coping Mechanisms

How do you react under stress?  How do you respond to stressful situations?  How do you handle things that are out of your control, yet impact you rather a lot?  How do you catch life's curve balls in a healthy manner?

I ask... cause I don't.

My biggest coping mechanism is probably one of the most unhealthy ways to cope.  Period.

Right now, I'm in a myriad of stressful situations.  Between school, health, work, and life in general, there are at least 3 major stressors in every area right now.  As in, this very moment.

And I want to go back.  I want to go back to the coping mechanism that has been helpful for so many years, and at the same time, has been so hurtful and unhealthy, I know I shouldn't go there.

Right now, I'm trying to invest myself in a project for school that I have no energy to do.  I want to do it, I know I could, but since I don't have the energy to do it to my standards, I don't want to do it at all.  Right now, I'm trying to organize some support, unsuccessfully, I might add, to help me through a big medical procedure I'm having in just over a week.  Right now, I'm trying to put together lesson plans for four weeks.  Yep, four.  This week, the two weeks I'll be out of school, and the week I return.  Right now, I'm wishing I knew how to better communicate with those I care about cause it's going to be really hard to pull through without them.

The sadness of the reality in my head is suffocating me right now.  It's clouded my vision and strained my breathing so that I can't see clearly what really is.  The reality in my head isn't some place that I like to spend time.

But until I learn some healthier coping mechanisms, it's where I tend to retreat, cause at least it isn't as bad as what I used to do, what I want to do... run back to the place of familiarity, where I am comfortable listening to the grumblings... in fact, they're music to my ears.

47 days down, 71 days to go.

One down, three to go

It's been exactly one month since I tearfully said good-bye to a very important person in my life.  In just under three months I'll get to welcome this person back, and yes, it will probably be rather tearful too.

I feel like the month has crawled by.  A part of me really wants the rest of the time to go quickly, but even that is bittersweet, because around the same time this person comes back, I will say farewell to my class, send my students on to the next grade, and head into summer, anxiously awaiting what lies ahead in the coming fall.

Time is such a funny thing.  It reminds me of the riddle, "What weighs more, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers?"  (In case you forgot, a pound weighs the same, no matter what you're weighing.)  It's been unseasonably warm here, though yesterday, it was unseasonably cold.  It's amazing, though, what time does.  If you think about it, 38 degrees Fahrenheit feels a lot colder in October than it does in April.  38 degrees is 38 degrees.  But time makes it feel different, at least to me.

In the fall, we've just come off of summer, and 38 degrees feels rather cold.  In the spring, we've just come off of winter, and 38 degrees feels nice and warm.

Does this mean that the time that is passing right now, is passing extra slowly because I miss this person way more than I care to admit?  Or does it mean time is passing quickly, because I'm already not looking forward to saying good-bye to my students at the end of the school year?

Time.  A funny thing it is.  Mixed with a little perspective it can sure make things complicated.

"Time is the longest distance between two places."

-- Tennessee Williams

Sadness

"The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad.  

You know, when sad tries to bite it's lip and not cry and 

smile and go "no, I'm happy for you."  That's when it's really sad." 

-- John Mayer

I'm sad.  I'm really, really sad.  And I can't shake it.  It's been building for a few weeks.  I knew the day would arrive.  I knew I'd be sad.  I just figured that since I'd been prepared for it for months, that it wouldn't be as hard.  But it was.  And the sadness?  That's even harder.

A friend of mine told me a story about her daughter.  When her daughter was 2, the family moved abroad for two years.  They came back to visit a few times a year, and each time they left, their little girl, so smart for her age, would never say goodbye.  Instead, she said see you later or something of the like.

I get it.

Saying goodbye hurts.  It hurts so much I can't put words to it.  But saying see you later is a lot less finite, a lot less hurt-filled.

For me, at least in this case, I don't think it would have mattered how I said it.  It was going to hurt.  A lot.  A lot more than I was prepared for.  Thing is, in the grand scheme of things, it's just a short farewell.  Just a few short months (15 weeks) until  that painful goodbye turns into a cheerful welcome back.

It's going to hurt for a while.  I'm going to be sad about it for a while.  I'm going to cry about it for a while.  All that might be perfectly normal for the situation, but I still don't like it.  I don't like that I spent my last 45 minutes with this person in tears, and not the pretty "dab at the corner of your eye with a lace hanky" tears.  The messy ones.  The  "I hate that someone is even looking at me cause I'm that much of a mess" tears.  Unfortunately, as much as we've been preparing for this day, this departure, there have been more messy tears than I care to admit.

Supposedly all this sadness and emotional stuff is a really good thing.  It means that I allowed myself to trust someone enough to care about them, and to let them care about me... which is why their departure hurts so much.  Both the sadness and the tears are natural and appropriate in this situation.  Supposedly all this is a good thing.

I think it's a load of crap.

I guess it's good that I have the next 15 weeks to deal with it. 

For now, this sadness and these tears just suck.  Anger was easier to deal with than this.

Week 7: Words that Give Me Meaning: Take 6

No explanation needed for this one. The lyrics really say it all.

Introducing Song 6: 

Waiting For The End by Linkin Park

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty's within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And I don't even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So I'm picking up the pieces, now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again

All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
I'm holding on to what I haven't got
I'm holding on to what I haven't got

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty's within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it let it all disappear 

Either? Or? Both?

Two weeks ago I found myself consumed by anger, something I generally try to, and have successfully been able to convince myself I was able to avoid.  Unfortunately, actually feeling anger is only delayable, not completely unavoidable.  And dealing with that anger?  Not avoidable at all, unless, of course, you want to spend your life feeling like you are going to burst at any moment.

Pretty rain chains at my favorite place to visit in LA.

Last week I wasn't feeling all that much anger, or so I thought.  Instead, it was replaced by sadness.  This week has been no different.  I feel full of this horrible melancholy that won't let up.  I feel like I'm being followed by a grey cloud of tears.  While I can occasionally escape the cloud by throwing myself into my work, or a project, or some other equally distracting activity, the cloud is always there as soon as I pause to breathe.

And that doesn't feel very good.  At all.

On the one hand, sadness seems to be more socially acceptable than anger.  Sadness is something that doesn't make my heart pound and my vision cloud over (though my vision is awfully blurry when the tears fall!)  Anger, on the other hand, makes my body feel like it's going to burst, literally.  I can't breathe, I can't focus, I can't concentrate.  Well, I guess the lack of focus and concentration are the same for sadness, too.

Los Angeles DOES get rain!

I've heard that it's possible to actually feel multiple emotions or feelings at the same time.  I just never thought that one could feel both sad and angry at the same time.  A part of me is quite angry about some of the things happening right now, but then sadness takes over, and buries the anger, which leaves me feeling even worse than when it was just straight-up anger.  Confused yet?  I am.

I know it doesn't have to be an either/or, but considering the fact that I don't know how to deal with either sadness or anger in a healthy way, yeah... no wonder I'm confused.  Now, dealing with confusion... That's probably a whole different skill set, right?!

Count on Me

I wasn't going to mention the loss of yet another great artist.  I generally try to avoid getting wrapped up in the celebrity gossip train, but I have a soft spot for Whitney Houston's music.  One of my favorite episodes of my favorite childhood show, Kids Incorporated, was an episode that included the song How Will I Know? (It's not the greatest quality, but here's a link to the song in the episode, which is still one of my favorites!)

This weekend I wandered down memory lane a little bit.  I weeded through many childhood pictures in preparation to make a photo montage for an upcoming family celebration.  There were a TON of pictures to go through, full of memories, some good, some not so good, but all reminders of what was, and what now is.

There's a saying I've learned that talks about "going to the hardware store for bread."   I recently had to undergo a simple medical procedure that required anesthesia, which meant I needed transportation.  So I asked my parents to help me out.  Pretty simple.  I do know that this kind of help is something they are not capable of easily providing, but I asked anyway because it was the simplest route.  Sometimes simple is NOT better.

I have some great friends in my life that I can count on to be there for me when I ask.  When I ask.  That's the problem.  I really struggle to ask.  Even when they offer, I still struggle to take them up on their offer.  This weekend was a reminder that I sometimes need to actually let people help when they offer, and ask for help if they don't.

While I wish I could count on my parents for the support that parents are theoretically supposed to provide for their children, I can't.  And that's a pretty painful conclusion to arrive at.  Especially considering I've been here before, but seem to enjoy going to that hardware store for bread, and beating my head against the wall after I remember that I wasn't going to shop there anymore.

While the medical procedure was easy, working on the photo montage has been anything but.  The aftermath of the whole experience with my parents has left me feeling vulnerable and sad, not to mention lonely.  I know that there are friends I can count on, and I know that reaching out will help.  I'm just not quite there yet.  So if you offer to help me and I say no,  I won't be offended if you offer again, a little more insistently, cause sometimes it takes me a while to realize I'm worth accepting the help.

I'll leave you with this video... and the reminder that sometimes it's ok to go to the hardware store, but don't plan on picking up a loaf of bread while you're there.

Count on Me by Whitney Houston featuring CeCe Winans