Change

I loved the TV show The Wonder Years.  I loved following Kevin Arnold as he meandered his way through adolescence and puberty.  His family was very down to Earth, and reminded me much of my own - three children, always enough money, but never an abundance.  I kind of wished that I could have been in their family, because at least in the 30 minute episode, the ending always came to some complete conclusion, wrapping things up in a way that didn't always make a happy ending, but sure made things simpler.

Anyway, this quote stands out to me, especially right now, because I'm both fighting the new changes that are necessary at this point in my life, and also fighting the old ways that needed to be changed anyway.  Change is for sure never easy.

I know that while the recent changes in my life have left me reeling, and sometimes hanging by a very fine thread, yet they've also been very necessary as a part of my growth in recovery and overall.  It's as if I'm fighting to start fresh, yet fighting to stay the same all at the same time.  Almost frustrating, actually.  Or, if I'm being honest, it's really frustrating.  Being in that space where you know what you're doing is necessary, but you hate it at the same time?  Yep.  I'm there.  And while I know in the grand scheme of things, this will be a good growth period, right now it just sucks.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: FIGHT

June Blog Challenge Day 21: FIGHT

I am involved in an ongoing fight that I call the battle between my heart and my brain.  My heart plays the emotion department cards, while my brain pulls out all the stops in the logic arena, and it is never a fair fight.  When it comes to work and school and others, my logical brain generally wins.  When it comes to me, to my body?  My emotional heart wins, hands down.  Doesn't matter how much logic my brain throws out there, or how much that logic makes sense, the emotions always win. 

Outside of my head, I'm not a very confrontational person (and if you ask my therapist, she'll probably say that I'm not one to confront myself, either!)  I don't like to make waves.  I don't like to argue (unless you are my parents....) because rarely can I keep my emotions in check, and as I said before, no matter what is going on - happy or angry or excited, my response is to cry.  Therefore, I try to avoid arguing all together.  I can't yet speak up, even to myself.  The negative, mean spirited voice always takes over, and resist as I might, it always wins.

Through the work I've been doing with my team, I'm learning what it feels like to have someone fight for me.  To have someone value me enough to fight with me (figuratively, of course) about the importance of taking care of myself.  I finally have something worth fighting for - fighting myself and my behaviors in order to keep my team.  Ultimately, the goal is to fight for myself because I'm worth it.  But for now, I'm fighting for myself because my team is worth it.  Without them, there'd be no point in fighting at all.

I know that somewhere, buried deep inside of me, is a person who wants to recover, who wants to be healthy, who wants to be happy. Otherwise, I would have given up the fight a long time ago.

Prompt: You can talk about the fight through recovery, for your life.  You can talk about a fight you’ve had with someone. With yourself. You can talk about fear of fighting with others, the inclination to be reserved and avoid confrontation. The word “fight” can hold so many different meanings depending on how you look at it.