I think that turning point was when my therapist told me she had gotten a call from my doctor. They've been working together for 15+ years, and this was only the second time my therapist ever received a call from the doctor. That's how serious things had gotten. That's how worried my doctor was. I had hit what I thought was rock bottom. It was time to commit or be committed. And I was not willing to be hospitalized. That was out of the question in my mind.
Unfortunately, just a short week later, I landed in the hospital from passing out at work. I had never been so appreciative of being pushed as I was at that moment. Had I not spent the previous week working my @$$ off to bring my intake up, I'd likely have been checked in right then and there.I think that was the time when I decided to really commit to recovery. From there, though, it has been quite a process. That was just over a year ago. And here I am today. Still working hard every day. But stable for going on nearly five months.
It is a risk to think about recovery. I find myself scared of it. What about you? I do not have an eating disorder, but do have depression related to pain and illness. I have fibromalygia and polyarthritis. Recovery is something out there in neverland. No known cure for the things that cause me pain, but I hold on and try to take my meds. Maybe one day .... I know what it is like to deal with illness and I empathasize with your journey. :) Thanks for being so open and sharing.
ReplyDeleteMary, to be honest, the thought of recovery freaked me out for the longest time. I'm talking years. Even as I worked through the beginning stages of recovery, I was still terrified. I mean, it was as if my ED was my safety net, taking care of me, keeping me stuck cause that was familiar.
DeleteWhat I think has helped the most is that I have started sharing more, through the blog and online community, which helped me feel less alone and more aware. While my ED has been the focus of recovery, I also deal with depression, anxiety, and a bunch of other alphabet soup acronyms. Nothing is easy, but working toward not as painful is better than staying in pain!
Thank YOU for reading and commenting!
Oh, I enjoyed reading your post and the visual is absolutely awesome. I need to show that to my daughter. I have a bunch of alphabet soupyness in my life as well.
ReplyDeleteLove how NaBloPoMo brings folks together!
Alphabet soup sure makes things interesting! And yes, I love the community building aspect of NaBloPoMo!
Delete