Five letters.
Just five little letters.
Four consonants, one vowel.
A loaded word if I ever saw one.
I trust few people in this world. Very few. I attribute that to the fact that I have been hurt so many times by people I was supposed to be able to trust....... people who took advantage of me, who hurt me, who deceived me....... who "earned" my trust by building me up, only to abuse that trust, until I finally broke.
Now, I deal with the intense fear that the world is an unkind, unsafe place, full of untrustworthy people. At least that's the reality I created for myself, based on my past experiences.But it's time to change that. It's time to start giving people the benefit of the doubt. Now, we're not talking trusting complete strangers here. We're talking members of my treatment team, my two BFFs, and a few colleagues here and there.... people that are deemed "safe" in my world.
Except I'm SO freaking afraid to trust.
My therapist said something that really stuck in my head. She said that telling me not to be afraid wouldn't be helpful. Instead, she told me that even though I'm scared, she thinks it will be worth it to push through that fear and trust this person, the newest member of my treatment team. Trust that this person, who has given me no reason not to trust her, is trustworthy. My therapist trusts this team member. I trust my therapist. I totally and completely trust my therapist.
So I guess it's time for me to try and trust this team member, too......
I could've written this post ... it makes sense to me on so many levels.
ReplyDeleteI too, struggle with trust, and my biggest fear now is that people are earning my trust only to let me down soon enough. I didn't realize that until I read your post.
I like the way your therapist put it - and will keep hold of that thought myself.
"that people are earning my trust only to let me down soon enough." This is such a painful realization, or at least it was for me. It was even more painful to realize that I play a role in that. That I'm a big contender in allowing people to earn my trust before I really truly can trust them. Then I'm the one falling apart after.
DeleteWe're gonna figure this out one of these days Amanda, I promise!
Trust is SOO hard! It requires a great deal of resilience to let those walls down when we have been let down in the past. Knowing that trust is part of the growth process is one thing, actually believing it and living it is another thing altogether.
ReplyDelete"Knowing that trust is part of the growth process is one thing, actually believing it and living it is another thing altogether." Well said my friend! Believing it is ok.... it's the whole idea of living it that is seemingly impossible!
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