Deja What?

Have you ever had a deja vu experience?  I used to think I had them a lot and, oh, how I hated them!  I always felt like I was punched in the stomach when the moment passed.  Not to mention, the memories were never pleasant ones!  Seriously, who wants to go back and re-live painful memories?  I don't know about you, but I sure don't!  It always amazed me when people spoke of "fun" deja vu experiences.

From the time I was ten (maybe eleven, but I'm pretty sure they began around my tenth birthday) I have experienced these sort of "flashbacks" at often the most unwelcome times.  Like when I was at a friends house.  Or in the middle of a baseball game.  Or getting ready for school.  They always arrived unannounced, and always left me feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me.

I now know that these moments have been PTSD flashbacks. 

Funny thing is, though two prior therapists have told me that I have PTSD, I never believed them.  Somehow, though, my therapist explained it in a way that made sense to me.  She helped me understand what PTSD is, and how it "works," per say.  And after all these years, I now know what these moments are, and why they are not in the least bit fun.  It's not deja vu that I have experienced, it's PTSD episodes.

And this week has been full of them.

I was always very afraid of the idea of PTSD, or any sort of trauma, often cringing when the word was connected to me and my life.  It scared me to think that my history contained any traumatic experiences.  I worked hard to keep them hidden from my memory.  At least I know what is going on, and why I feel so discombobulated after each episode.  Though they last only a few moments, the effects linger for hours. 

The good news is that since we now know what is happening, we can look better at how to treat it, and to help me work through these moments.  After all, knowledge really is power!