19. What scares you most about recovery?
20. What scares you most about your eating disorder?
Lumping these two together because ironically, they are reflective of each other. I know. Seems kind of bass-ackward to be fearful of recovery AND fearful of the eating disorder. But I am, which fits, as I've always been a little bass-ackward.
The thing that scares me the most about both of these issues is the loneliness factor. My eating disorder kept me protected, safe, and numb, which meant that being alone didn't bug me. I actually liked it. Or at least the eating disorder liked it. Now that recovery is in the picture, the loneliness factor hasn't lifted, instead it's shifted - now I can see how alone I am, without the eating disorder to fill my world, and that feels lousy.So the scariest thing about recovery has been learning to be with my feelings as they arise, and do so, most of the time, alone. (Can't exactly schedule an emotional meltdown for when I'm with my therapist now can I?) The scariest thing about my eating disorder is how it kept me isolated and emotionless.
Truth is, that as alone as I feel, both in recovery and when I was actively engaging in disordered behavior, it's been my choice to be alone, isolated, apart...... It's a pain in the @$$ learning how to change such behavior, as it's so ingrained. But I'm trying. By golly am I trying..........
Keep trying! That's the important thing. Any movement AT ALL in the right direction (even a fraction of a centimeter), counts as progress.
ReplyDeleteLike I've learned, sometimes you gotta take things one moment at a time. And as long as you're moving, you're making progress - be it forwards or sideways :)
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